- Nobody says anything about the bathroom.
- People in my family brought over food,
- they stand around in uncomfortable
- groups, gathered around the veggie
- tray and fruit plate, nibbling on
- celery while trying to think
- of something to say that
- will maintain the proper
- tone without upsetting
- anyone, like me.
- There's no such thing as a healthy
- obsession, I've written about this
- before, but let me reiterate it
- another time so everyone is
- clear. Healthy people don't
- redo their bathroom just
- because they think that
- someone else might
- be stopping by for
- a glass of wine.
- It started with a bath. I sank into
- my pile of bubbles wondering if
- he preferred red, or white. As
- I made a list I was thinking,
- this shower curtain would
- never do, I thought to
- myself as I separated
- the cloth from its
- sharp metal
- fastenings.
- I felt better when I had finished
- painting the trim. New towels,
- I had spent quite a bit of
- time researching which
- ones were going to
- dry the quickest,
- another sip, I
- savored it
- slowly,
- calmly.
- Minimalism would make him fall for me,
- this was another lie I told myself as I
- bundled up things I had recently
- purchased, nothing was good
- enough for him, I made trip
- after trip to the thrift store,
- dropping off like new
- items on my quest
- to give him peace
- and tranqility.
- Food was important, I know that we need
- to eat which makes me wonder why I
- skipped so many meals during my
- remodeling high. No expense
- was spared. I bought new
- dishes, bedding, silk
- sheets would be
- more fun than
- the ones I
- had now.
- Music was next on my list, you can't very
- well enjoy the perfect glass of wine
- without selecting the notes that
- accompany it, my neighbors
- complained, actually, that
- was just my imagination,
- it gets away from me at
- times. I left them a
- bottle of Chianti;
- just for fun.
- Greenery and nature are important to me,
- maybe it would impress him if I learned
- how to train a bonsai. When other
- men asked me out I told them,
- I'm not sure exactly what I
- said, eventually they
- stopped speaking to
- me, at the time I
- was glad; more
- time for him.
- I had never ordered anything off of Amazon
- before, but I thought he would be proud of
- me if I tackled a fear of mine. Some day
- the world will be a barren landscape of
- Home Depot, Best Buy, & Starbucks;
- I cried when I thought of small
- local stores like the one where
- I worked going out of
- business, then I lost
- my job.
- Maybe you think that was a bad thing, but it gave
- me a lot more time to plan. This glass of wine
- was going to be perfect I told myself as I
- sorted through stemware. I threw out
- the clothes I had, it was time to
- reinvent myself, to become the
- woman I knew that I could be.
- Don't ask me why I bought
- what I did, I thought he
- would like more color.
- Not eating, barely sleeping, losing the pitiful income
- I had took a toll on me. The few friends I had gave
- up on me; no calls, no texts, I didn't go on
- Twitter, I quit writing entirely, the only
- thing that mattered was the perfect
- glass of wine. The job loss was a
- temporary setback I said to the
- clerk as I handed over a credit
- card I had opened for the
- occasion.
- Today I have a healthier relationship with reality.
- My family came over to clean up the splatters
- of blood that decorated my bathroom after I
- did who knows what to myself when my
- mind took its break from patching a
- hole in the wall behind the closet.
- I didn't recognize my writing,
- but I guess he did. I wasn't
- drunk, I was half dead,
- but still mostly alive.
- The other day my friend told me not to be too
- embarrassed about what happened, I'm very
- sensitive, probably more so than others
- realize, when I thought that he had a
- girlfriend because I saw him coming
- off the wrong exit of the freeway,
- I didn't know how to cope with
- that. Nobody was safe to talk
- to, I kept everything inside,
- until I couldn't.
- Mental illness isn't the easiest topic to write about,
- but if I choose to remain silent other may think
- that they're the only people who are suffering.
- This isn't true. If I can recover, and go on
- to reclaim the job I had, get help from
- qualified professionals, and turn my
- life around very slowly, there's
- hope and help for others too,
- Maybe one day I'll even pour
- you an (imperfect) glass of wine.
- PSA - There is no such thing as a healthy obsession.
***
This is the original version for your comparison purposes:
- Perfection and our chase for it
- has been well documented
- over the course of history.
- Wine comes in different
- colors, perhaps you have
- a preference. Possibly you
- have a budget, that may
- determine whether your
- wine comes to you in a
- bottle, box, or bag.
- The perfect glass of wine
- is a ritual for me. First a
- bath; this may necessitate
- the need to redecorate my
- bathroom, but this is the
- perfect glass of wine, not
- the really good, or the best.
- Redecorating requires
- research, I find that wine
- helps this process along.
- After my bath I'm comfortable
- and relaxed. Now it's time to
- get dressed. When my friend
- asks why I'm spending that
- kind of money on lingerie
- when I'm single I tell her
- that I'm the most important
- person in my life, I love me,
- and I demonstrate that by
- wearing things I really like.
- Now that I'm clean and dressed
- I can move toward food. Drinking
- on an empty stomach causes one
- to become intoxicated more
- quickly, strictly speaking wine
- is a carbohydrate, alcohol is
- absorbed into the bloodstream
- so I make sure there are fats
- and protein on my platter.
- Pecans, chocolate, caviar?
- Fresh flowers are always a nice
- touch, I prefer the kind that
- are attached to a plant, serving
- an orchid along with whatever
- else has been planned pretties
- up the plate, sometimes it's fun
- to scatter petals around, I like
- to fling them up in the air and
- watch them descend, each
- delicate object floats, and falls.
- Sound is another element that
- must be considered. Music
- varies with the varietals. I
- experiment to determine which
- flavors go best with each genre.
- Generally speaking I feel as if
- richer and more complex music
- pairs better with deeper darker
- reds, but there are times when
- a lighter white is a fun contrast.
- The area must be temperate,
- neither too warm, not overly
- chilly. Room temperature
- wine appeals to me more
- than the refrigerated kind.
- Stemware is another
- category, with some
- forgoing the stem all
- together. But my hand is
- small so I prefer the stalk.
- I can spend long hours by
- myself; picking out paint
- for my bathroom, choosing
- the perfect toweling, I find
- that striped Turkish towels
- are lightweight, playing
- with the fringe can be fun,
- and they dry quickly. I
- decide to redo my apartment
- so only the essentials remain.
- By now I've invested thousands
- of dollars, hundreds of hours,
- written millions of words, put
- together dozens of puzzles,
- things are coming together.
- I hear the door, footsteps,
- I receive a smile, neither of us
- speaks, is kissing its own
- language? I ask because
- I'm learning new sounds.
- Evening shadows chase
- daylight from my place.
- We're lying next to each
- other, silently contemplating
- whatever is on our minds
- at the time. When he
- chooses to speak I'm told
- that he can't believe I
- went to all of this trouble
- for a single glass of wine.
- Maybe I didn't have to
- redo my master bath, it
- may have been overkill
- to graph out where the
- dishes were to be set,
- I probably didn't need
- to ruthlessly declutter,
- or purchase silk sheets,
- but, pleasure in the job
- puts perfection in the work.
- For a very special someone;
- Xoxo
- J
- P.S. You may have heard
- that perfection is a chase
- and practice is the only
- way to approach this
- elusive goal. Fortunately
- for us, we are both
- extremely dedicated.