February 4, 2008

THE SUPER BOWL GLORY HOLE

Once a year the doors are opened so everyone can take advantage of the National Football League's spectacular display of perversion. It's a cornucopia of jaded schemes to make money, and there is nothing more amusing and disgusting --all in one swoop-- than the glory hole of the Super Bowl. It's now the end of the craziest come back victory ever and my work can start. I have really only a few minutes to put together this article to keep in the gonzo form I have adopted. Two strong rum and cokes, and a Tombstone pizza later we put Brady's perfect season to rest. I for one am happy about the loss but shouldn't be too worried about rubbing salt in the wounds the Patriots might be nursing. I want to focus my sharp wit and razor tongue on the decadent and depraved advertisements. Ah what the hell, may just a little salt.

I sit here looking at my jumbled notes in my red notebook, asking myself how would the late HST word this, in such a way, that it illustrates how much pleasure it was for me to watch the Giants to hand Brady and his team their only loss of the season. I bet right now as I speak they're in the locker room holding back their tears, trying to act all macho for each other. They will be reinsuring each other, "There is always next year". Yeah fucking right, this is a once in a life time event they just fumbled. Good-job Jerk-offs! Your performance was just as pathetic as the damn commercials I tuned into watch. I can remember back to a time where the ads were actually funny.

I want to briefly mention Budweiser's fall from grace before moving on to what I consider a complete and utter cluster fuck and waste of money. I was disappointed at first, feeling that one lame ad was going to be followed by more, like in a string of standing dominoes, where one falls and knocks over another and then the next. But there was one ad that made me smile, even if it was for only a second. Budweiser's only saving grace was the cavemen dragging a stone cooler full of bud light and ice, but when the wheel is introduced only humor ensued. The idea of the wheel was not well received, only adding to what they had to carry already. As I said, only a smile crossed this face. I guess when you're already pissing money down the drain it isn't hard to keep pissing. Four out of five bad commercials isn't that bad, they could have blown their load with all five.

As you can imagine, it's really hard to describe these ads in such a manner that I transfer "the funny". If you didn't watch the perversion unfold, you might want to go back in time, it could be the only way of understanding what I'm talking about. What am I talking about? We have the Internet, it's much better for watching old TV spots than a time machine.

Honestly, I've been trying to keep focused but a new House M.D came on after the game. I've been distracted. Not really being able to really swim in my work, as it would be, like Brady's swimming in vodka right now. Trying to drown his sorrow. Pure assumption of course. He might be the whiskey type. Yeah, I know the saying, I even invented a better one from having to say it so much as a kid. "When you assume, you make an ass out of yourself before me." The operative word being before. When many say 'and' they're being presumptuous to include the other person in act of being an ass, when this is not always true. This is why I prefer using 'before' over 'and'.

A little side note, I hope that I can edit this sufficiently before submitting. Looking back at that last paragraph, it's looking kinda rough. I wouldn't want to leave this alone for too long, or I might come back and find I don't understand what I wrote down. Let me tell you up front, weaving all my interjecting thoughts together is difficult, and I have already failed a miserable death in trying to write a gonzo piece. I have regrouped any ideas I once had in order to finish the mission to the best of my ability.

Now, the Gondor and witch doctor ads, I think they were for the same online company, but couldn't capture my full attention much like that Geico insurance caveman commercial. The price tag that came with these failures was a hefty one, the most expensive time slot on television, it was expected that a lot of people tuned into watch Brady get his ass handed back to him by Manning. There it was, a perfect season hung in the air, this is big, that means a price tag asking for big money. If you're not going to go big then go home. It's a waste else wise.

If you managed to stick with me this far, you must have been waiting for more references to Thompson's work, but up to this point I have been struggling to just keep afloat in this sea of ethanol. So I am not about to try anything fancy right now. I also really need to get stoned, trying to beat down all these random thoughts can become stressful. I find I'm asking myself, "what's important when trying to expose filth?" I could throw a fucking dart anywhere, at any organization, and find them hiding some dirt. But, the NFL handles its filth with such a perverse form of dignity that the only thing comparable that comes to mind, and that is a glory hole. For those who don't know what this is; this is a place where men go to stick their erect dicks in a wall to receive fellatio other types of gratification. The act can be rewarding if the loss of a good portion of your cash isn't a problem, if you have got money and are trying to save what dignity you have left then you can get blown in a somewhat anonymous fashion. If you pay for space during the Super Bowl then you should splurge on the writing for your advertisement. If you go small, it's like he's a small man with a flaccid penis, what did you expect? He isn't going to be getting any love even with the little blue pill because he is not equiped with the proper goods. You have got to stand out and flaunt all that you have got to be noticed. If you don't, it is best you go with you run-of-the-mill street walker.

I had abandoned my notes up to this point, and I don't think returning now will give me a better position or some type of greater wisdom. Returning now will just further prove I don't know what I'm doing. So, what's stopping me? Nothing. I have an extensive list of short descriptions to help me narrow down who got the most from their time slot, and I'm sure that nothing will come from these scribbled words. It wasn't clear who got the most love. Other than all the Budweiser ads barely getting anything, I enjoyed Coke's parade balloon battle over the bottle of Coke, that was a classic move on their part. The CGI was big this year and they went big with it, and I would like to extend them my props. Way to go, dawgs!

The giant FedEx pigeons and Napoleon's GPS ads also did a good job when came to stuffing sausage, the ideas were funny and set the hook for the punch line. The rest failed to find gratification from any opportunities they might of had with the NFL's Glory hole. Toyota's suckling wolverines and Planter Peanut's ugly seductress left me asking myself what the fuck was the joke. Oh, they were meant to be ironic, well nice try, they sucked. Now days, this is what we get mostly any more, non-personal trash that leaves us feeling hollowed out like the wall that once protected us from the smut on the other side. That was until somebody cut out a hole big enough to fit their member. It's the nature of man to stick his dick in things that it doesn't belong, and the erect cocks are commercial advertisements stuck in the hole that NFL provides so we the consumers can be gagged and violated willingly with relatively little interaction with either party. I leave with my belches tasting like spiced rum, and in the true spirit of gonzo journalism, my thoughts semi-incoherent like my state of consciousness and any perspective is purely one-sided...

Jaunaury 15, 2008 | March 13, 2008

Those who have recently been admiring my collection of graphic novels may be interested to know that I have helped pay the rent for Swindon's only comic shop (it's called Swin City - how cute is that?) by expanding it to include volumes I-VII  of The Invisibles, volumes 0 & I of Transmetropolitan, vol. I of The Authority and vol. XVI of Ultimatre X-Men (bringing me up to date with the series).

At a total cost of £120. Ouch.

This is after I had already treated myself to a holiday season binge of Dangerous Habits, vol. III of Girls, Fray (futuristic Slayer stuff from Joss Whedon - excellent) and vol. I of Brian Azzarello's new project, Loveless.

Never shop hungry, kids.

On reaching level 2

Fifteen months or so after setting up this account I have, through the benefits of the new writeup bonus system, attained the vote. I am now enfranchised.

The time has come for some minor introspection that might have some tangential relevance to the debates that seem to rage here about the future of this gloriously introspective community.

Those who choose to read my home node will see that I signed up for an account at the end of September 2006. About a month later, I heard through the catbox that a new user poll was more of a new-user poll than a new user-poll. Being at that time a new account holder, I applied for a vote to spend on that poll.

kthejoker was kind enough to grant me 25, with the following message:

2006.10.20 at 15:14 kthejoker says 25 votes for you. Please use 1 for the poll, and the other 24 to spread harmony and praise.

I was true to that admonition and spent the next 14 months holding them to myself like some digitised Scrooge, reluctant to dispense a single vote, for fear it would not be used to the maximum benefit.

I was so miserly that up to the moment when on Saturday that kindly gentleman Jet-Poop had the grace to promote me to level 2 -- of which more later -- I still had four of those precious votes left.

Parsimony has become profligacy. Instead of spending 20 votes in over a year, I can spend ten votes in a day. I am now able to vote on anything I like, knowing that next day, I will have further riches to spread amongst the nodegel.

Pause a moment.

For you old hands who have comparative wealth in this respect, do not scorn the enthusiasm of the newly-enfranchised. Until a newcomer passes the pre-determined threshhold needed for the daily ration of automatic free votes, that newcomer has little idea of what E2 thinks is good and what it thinks is not so good. We spend our precious, enthusiastic, excited early days discovering by trial and error -- by painful and de-motivating error -- what all of you learned many years ago.

E2 does not like GTKY, E2 does not like leet speak; E2 does not like immature poetry; E2 does not like self-reference; E2 does not like ephemera. E2 does not like poor grammar; E2 does not like unlinked nodes; E2 does not like unformatted writeups; E2 does not like cut-and-paste; E2 is not a bulletin board. There is so much that E2 does not like, that errors are all too easy to make and I see from the catbox that newcomers make the same mistakes over and over to the point where you, wise and experienced members, bemoan the lack of guidance.

I have heard that the great and the good are studying levels and rewards. May I humbly suggest that you find a way to let newcomers know what E2 likes, before they get frustrated and angry as they write for you and only after spending time and effort on writing and contributing, do they discover the truth about what is revered and what is reviled. Maybe allow all level one members to see the vote scores of everything they visit, even if they have not voted. Maybe give them 1 vote per day. Maybe give them 10 votes per day.

However it is done, I can say this, from direct and recent knowledge. The experience of a junior member who has votes and thus can see how others have voted, is utterly different from that of a newcomer who is unable to discover what is highly rated and what is not.

It seems to me that knowing how others vote is an essential part of the E2 experience. More critically, it is an essential part of the E2 learning experience. By excluding level 1 members from this experience, you give them no reason to stay. Bear that thought in mind for a few moments.

I have to thank kthejoker a second time. I wrote a few nodes soon after joining. By the time I had written them, I did not feel the effort of writing another 20 or so was worth the uncertain rewards of gaining the vote.

Please review that last sentence. Gaining the vote was not worth the effort of writing a couple of thousand words on this small corner of the world wide web. Emmeline Pankhurst and Dr Martin Luther King must be rolling in their respective graves. There is a difference. For all its strengths, the vote on E2 is not the same as the democratic vote. Voting here does not change the government. It does not change ministers and it does not change policy. Voting here is only about showing approval or otherwise for friends, colleagues and writers.

I have heard tell of a blab box on this site, but that was not available to me as a level one. Golfur tells me it is available to me, but I cannot work out how to enable it. The explanatory link on that node is dead and there is no explanation of how it is supposed to work.

Less than 24 hours after posting this whine, the situation has been remedied. Thanks are due to Oolong and to GolFur for correcting the situation.

The reason for my second public mention of that god of gods, Kyle, is the write-up bonus. I gained level 2 with just nine nodes. I have no doubt that you have good reasons for requiring newcomers to contribute 20 or more items before you will accept them as members. Possibly you have been burned in the past by people who abused their privileges after meeting a lower requirement. Possibly it was a sensible number in the far history of this webspace. I do not know and I do not want to guess.

Inexperienced as I am on this site, it seems to me that anyone who is likely to stay in this place will understand what is required after just a few attempts, Five or six is the number that springs to mind. Probably fewer if they had more information about what gets a high score and what gets a low score. No doubt these things have been discussed endlessly by those who are much wiser and have more experience than myself. But how many of those wise, experienced senior members have come to this site with fresh eyes and seen how much you ask of a newcomer, in exchange for the most limited rights to participate. And how little information the newcomer has to guide his decisions about what to write for your pleasure and delectation.

With no reason to stay (see above), they choose to slip away, with no-one here any the wiser as to their reasons.

To return to Kyle's writeup bonus. It works. I was fortunate that I was here while it was being introduced, so I understood some of the thinking behind it. Newcomers who arrive after me will not have that benefit, and will not necessarily know to turn on the option in user settings, and more particularly, will not know what spectacular savings it offers.

I do not know how the alternative system, the Honor Roll, works. For me it offered no benefits whatsoever. Even at level 2, it offers no benefits. The writeup bonus scheme by contrast makes the effort needed to advance to level 2 acceptable. I have to wonder whether by setting the level needed for good standing so high, you are not deliberately trying to prevent people from joining. It is not my place to speculate. You are clearly all smart people and you have made your decision, and I daresay it was not made lightly. I therefore have to stand back a little from my previous experience of web-based communities here.

Beneficial though Kyle's system is, it still needs some explanation: when I wrote something that did well here (nodertising alert), the number of writeups required for level two seemed to drop, even though I did not write any more nodes. To a newcomer this is mystifying.

I now realise that the number of writeups required dropped when a node attained some arbitrary number of votes, or when a C! was awarded. But these are not writeups, or even nodes. The messages in the sidebar were confusing until I realised how things were working. But newcomers are not told any of this. They have to go to a tiny box in the settings and check a box, with no guidance or explanation, and then hope that they got the correct one.

In conclusion, I must note that when Kyle gave me those first 25 votes, there was a technical glitch with the system. I was unable to vote on the poll, even though I had votes. That glitch was sorted a couple of minutes after I drew attention to it. I was deeply impressed by that speed and flexibility of response. I learned from that that E2 can respond quickly to user comments. E2 does have a good and successful future. You just need to sort out the glitches and make it easier for newcomers to understand the place.

Finally, may I say in public, how much I appreciate Jet-Poop and the other users who helped me on the way to level 2. It has been quite a journey. I don't yet know if it really was worth it, I hope it was. But if nothing else, I do hope that this self-indulgent introspection has helped some users see things from a newcomer's perspective.

 

 

Ad Log

I'm going to say this slowly and clearly so as to, hopefully, permeate the collective unconscious of the advertising executives responsible for PGA coverage:

Golf can not be made hip. Ever. the closest you got to pulling in a new and vibrant demographic was when Tiger Woods proved that a brother (okay, fine; a half-brother) could swing a stick in a polo shirt with the best of the snowy white-haired geriatric crowd. Airing FedEx Cup highlights with a Beastie Boys riff playing in the background makes your entire enterprise look and sound fucking ridiculous.

"Golf: Kickin' it old-school since, um. Since just now.
(Not in that black way, though - get me those nice Jewish boys from Brooklyn instead, because that's better.
That there are some "Fresh" "beats".
Hold on while I pour our some Dom for my homies.)

Idiots.

Hey kids! It's time for another exciting episode of Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food! Yaaayyy!

---

KNOCK! KNOCK!

Mr. House-Owning Person, Door Answerer: "Hey guess who's here kids! It's Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food!"

Yay-saying Kids: "Yaaaaayyyyy!!"

Hello! I am Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food! Also known as Man Who Yells Very Loud All the Time For Unexplicable Reason! I here to eat all your food!

Annoying Kids Again: "Yaaayyyy!"

Step Aside! I HUNGRY NOW!

Mrs. House-Owning Wife, Also Sleeps With Brother: "Move aside, kids! Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food is here to eat all of our food!"

Broken-Record Kids: "Yaaaayyyyy!!"

OK I find fridge now!
And for some reason homeless man!
TIME TO EAT!

Please No Say Yaayy Again Kids: "YAAAAYYY!!"

MUNCH! MUNCH! SLLLLUUURRRPP! GAH GAARRRHHHLL UMPH MUNCH CRUNCH! MUNCH SLUUURRRPP!

OK I stop now to tell you: You cannot tell in this medium but I rollingk my ‘R’s OUTRRRRRAGEOUSLY! Now I eat again!

MUNCH! MUNCH! SLLLLUUURRRPP! GAH GAARRRHHHLL UMPH MUNCH CRUNCH! MUNCH SLUUURRRPP!

Oh wait writeup half no links, I feex now! Now I go to pantry!

MUNCH! MUNCH! RRRIIPP! SHAKE-A SHAKE-A! MUNCH CRUNCH! MUNCH SHAKE-A-SHAKE-A MUNCH CRUNCH!!

Mr. House-Owner, Who Secretly Love Scott Baio: "Look kids! Russian Guy Who Comes Over And Eats All Your Food has eaten all of our food! Not a single crumb left!"

Kids who Please God Shut Up: "Yaaaayyy!"

And I eat cat, too!

Kids Who Finally Say Something Else: "Awwww!"

Mrs. House-Owning Woman Who Likes Brother Waaaay Too Much: "It’s OK, kids! Kitty had lupus!"

Kids Who Say Yay Again: "Yaaaayyyy!"

I pass gas now!

*phhhhuuuuurrrrrrrrrUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!*

Mr. House-Owning Man With Pucker Face but Still Smile: "Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ, kids, does that smell!"

Kids Who Now Lying On Floor: "Yaaaayyyy."

OK I go now! Time to vote in primaries! I decide on Wesley Snipes! He runningk, no?

Mr. House Owning Guy: "Always bet on black, kids!"

Kids Who Get Up Now: "Buh bye, Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food!"

Mrs. Wife Who Give Brother Hand Job: "See you next time, Russian Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food"

---

All right, kids! Now back to your regularily scheduled writeup, German Guy Who Eats Your Face!

---

2008.01.31 at 20:49 - Junkill says "re E2 Scratch Pad: well, I'll tell you the truth. It had me rocking back and forth in my chair, laughing like a complete imbicile! I thought it was GREAT...Like a really sick Mad TV or SNL (back when they were good) sketch (Phil Hartman coulda played the russian guy) ... the links thing was also great fun... I have NO IDEA what people will make of it...but I laughed my ass off."

2008.02.01 at 01:52 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, Jet-Poop just cooled Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food, baby!"

2008.02.01 at 02:22 - Junkill says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!!!! I'm going to C! this, but I'm'o wait a bit so it either gets out of new writeups, or down the list a bit... Hehehehe..."

2008.02.01 at 03:18 - BookReader says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: Absolutely awful. I love it. Classic artman."

2008.02.01 at 04:31 - tWD says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: I fucking love you.

2008.02.01 at 05:23 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, passport just cooled Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food, baby!"

2008.02.01 at 07:07 - golFUR says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: heh, you are even getting your fair share of shaming softlinks. it's 'worthy' *ahem*"

2008.02.01 at 07:59 - themanwho says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: this is almost good enough for monty python :)"

2008.02.01 at 11:54 - the.web.hermit says "R.E. Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food- There is nothing else to say. When will the gods punish for stealing their fire?"
I asked if it was a compliment.
2008.02.01 at 15:16 - the.web.hermit says "Think of it as awe."

2008.02.02 at 03:17 - Sol Invictus says "I have no idea what the Christ this is, but I can't help but upvote it. -5 rep? Pssh. Cretins."

2008.02.02 at 14:49 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, sweet! Someone likes Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food!"

2008.02.02 at 15:39 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, sweet! Someone likes Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food!"

2008.02.02 at 17:05 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, sweet! Someone likes Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food!"

2008.02.02 at 20:42 - the.web.hermit says "It's my belief there is a god of the internet, who thrives on such madness..."

2008.02.03 at 00:29 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, sweet! Someone likes Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food!"

2008.02.03 at 00:29 - shaogo says "re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: You're a really silly, very funny dude. I upvoted but apparently there's a bunch of wood-brained dingleberries around here who can't just be silly sometimes. Or maybe they're just politically correct. If you'd called it 'Conservative Republican Guy Who Comes Over and Eats All Your Food' I'd hazard a guess that your XP would've gone through the roof."

2008.02.03 at 06:59 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, sweet! Someone likes Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food!"

2008.02.03 at 16:10 - Cool Man Eddie says "Hey, Junkill just cooled Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food, baby!"

2008.02.03 at 18:50 - Halspal said "When rootbeer said that your Russian guy writeup wasn't his type of humor he was being kind. It isn't anybody's kind of humor, artman. That writeup is anti-funny." (catbox)

2008.02.03 at 19:46 - Razhumikin says re Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food: "rockin. this reminds me of old country e2"

2008.02.03 at 23:51 - Timeshredder says "I deleted your writeup Russian guy who comes over and eats all your food. Reached -10. Even with C!s, that's a rather low rep. Node Heaven will become its new residence."

2008.02.03 at 23:54 - Timeshredder says "If you're really drawn to it, it would likely survive as a daylog. Obviously, some people really like this write-up."

2008.02.03 at 23:59 - Jet-Poop says "Phoo, I just saw that it got deleted. Very disappointing. :("

2008.02.04 at 01:35 - Junkill says "...Hey, to me it reads like good SNL (Phil Hartman era) or Kids in the Hall stuff..."

2008.02.04 at 19:01 - eien_meru says "re February 4, 2008: WTF."