July 27, 2001

Greetings, noder of the future! I am speaking to you from the distant past, in fact the month of May, which is for you but a vague memory. I apologise for intruding upon the space designated for what we in my time call your daylog, although this term may have fallen out of currency in the long months since I wrote this.

In any case, I add this message only in the hope that somebody will see it, and perhaps grant the following simple request: simply to type the below message into the chatterbox, and press "talk":

/tell ryano It's July 27th, 2001, your third Everything birthday!

Of course, I cannot predict where I will be when you read this, but I hope that the months will have been kind to me, and I will receive your message, and be capable of replying with my thanks.

Installment #3 in GoodKingNerdnor's.... THE DAY LOG FILES

*Last Time, on the Day Log Files...* - July 21, 2001: Our main character GKN forgot all about how shittily women treated him in the past (July 8, 2001) and fell in love with the "Perfect" woman, despite her being Baptist (something he - in all his agnostic glory - was willing to overlook). Whilst preparing to make a trip to Willis, Texas to meet her, he buys a teddy bear from UNT to match the one he purchased her at Baylor.

*Now, back to.... THE DAY LOG FILES....

We enter in to see GKN making a phone call to his beloved...

GKN: Hello, may I speak with Jessica?
Jess: Hi!
GKN: How are you?
Jess: Fine, I fell and hurt my hip, but fine.
GKN: Sorry you hurt yourself, it's good that you're ok though.
Jess: I have to tell you something and you can't get mad at me.
GKN with slightly worried look on face:Ok....
Jess: Remember, I TOLD you I wasn't good with long distance relationships....
GKN: has look of worry, and obviously knows where this call is headed...
Jess: Friday night I went on a date with this guy, and we've kinda decided that we won't see other people.
GKN: umm, didn't you call me telling me you'd changed your mind about not having a long distance relationship MONDAY night???
Jess: Yeah....
GKN: I see...

Obviously hurt and disappointed, GKN attempts to plead his case and begs her to reconsider, but alas all is in vain for our hero.

GKN: Is there anything I can say to get you to change your mind?
Jess: I'm sorry...
GKN: Fine, well, if there's nothing I can say to change your mind I have only this left - I hope you and this honorless-son-of-a-motherless-goat-bastardare happy, though I can't say if it doesn't work that I'll be sorry.
Jess: His name is JOSH (slightly angered tone)
GKN: Oh yeah, one more thing
Jess: Yes?
GKN: Fuck Jesus
CLICK!

Somewhat disappointed, angry, and betrayed - though not heartbroken - our hero goes off to work, to live another day in the life of Good King Nerdnor, to try and find - yet again - the perfect woman, should she exist....


"The hunt... is on....." - Nelson Muntz: The Simpsons

---

And on an ENTIRELY unrelated note - I hit the 1000XP mark today! wheee! *sirens and horns going off in party manner*

I am really drunk at the moment, however I think I should write this node before I forget my feelings at this point.

I am a very trusting person, I always believe that you should give people a chance after their mistakes. My (now most definately ex) girlfriend had been indesicive in the past and I had given her the benefit of the doubt.

And how does she repay me?

By betraying that trust and does exactly the same fucking thing again right in front of my friends who I had previously been singing her praises to.

How do I feel? Like a bloody idiot. I'm an idiot for placing my trust in her once again (my previous day logs have shown what she is like) and once again I feel empty and pointless.

What particularly hurts is that over the 20 years of my life this is actually my best experience so far. even my own fucking mother left me with no regard whatsoever for christs sake.

I can't think what to do. I know I must do something and I'm too tired to stay awake but I don't want to do anything. I can sit and think, but it isn't going to make anything happen.

I know a few of her friends and mine read this stuff - and if she does read this then I want her to know that I've given her more compassion and taken more indecision from her than anyone I have ever met and this is the final straw. I can't even stand to face someone who can't stick to a decision for more than 2 weeks (or on occasion days) at a time. I've got to move on now and the best thing you can do is leave me be. Don't try to be friends - you'll only try to apologise as before and your apologies mean nothing to me. In my mind an apology is a heartfelt and sincere regret of doing something and an undertaking that it should never happen again. to you it's just an emotional crutch - a way to wipe clean your sins before repeating them regardless. Please don't phone me or interfere with my life - ever!

I figured it out.

Around three monthes ago, I met a person who seemed to be able to look right down into the heart of me and see what I was feeling...crazy people, these fellow psychics. He asked me what it would take to make me happy.

I of course, replied that ice cream would make me happy, and a conversation about various types of ice cream soon followed, resulting in the acquisition of a large tub of it. But this question came up a few times in the conversations he and I would have, and each time, I'd be unable to give an answer.

But today, today my everythingian chums, I have figured it out. I have decided what it is that would make me happy. I want life to be...uncomplicated.

However, the big bad problem is that I am just not capable of simplifying my life. It's just not my nature. So today is the first day of my quest for, no, not happiness, because I know now that my happiness is somewhat unattainable, but to find something so close to happiness that not even I can tell the difference.

This is my first ever daylog and while it's actually about something that happened yesterday as I'm thinking about it now, it seems appropriate to place it under todays date.

Yesterday I found out that as many as three of the people that used to be in my social group (I wouldn't call them friends but I knew them enough to talk to on social occasions) are, or have lately been, in jail. This doesn't upset me, or particularly suprise me, but it makes me wonder what causes people to do the sorts of things that get them to that stage.

All three of these people were young males. The first went in on attempted murder. He'd had a row with his girlfriend and just went to her house one day and stabbed her. I remember going to her 21st birthday. At that stage I was hanging around with quite a lot of crazy people, but this couple actually seemed fairly stable and he certainly didn't seem to be the 'attempted murder type'.

The second went to jail for dealing drugs. He was a raver boy, took lots of drugs, and so it was probably only a matter of time.

The last case is probably the saddest as he was quite young and now has 15 years for murder. I remember this boy as being quite strange, a bit trippy, but always really pleasant (even if he was out of it on drugs and alcohol most of the time). The story is that he went around to visit a dealer but the dealer refused to give him drugs and so he pushed the guys head underwater and drowned him. I wonder if he has any family. I wonder what they must be going through. Maybe they don't care. Maybe that's the problem.

In Ottawa, visiting family and friends. It seems like I never left, at times… I’ll walk down the street, and see people I haven’t seen in months, and just nod, or wave, and they’ll do the same, not stopping for even a few token words of greeting.

With others, there’s a big reunion scene, but five minutes later our relationship is exactly the same as when I lived here. No change in interaction, behavior, anything. It’s comfortable that way, I suppose. I don’t have to think about the fact that I’m leaving soon.

…

My mother is vacationing in Quebec with Charlie, my little brother, and she’s left me her place to stay at while I’m in town. It’s nice to be able to have the time alone with Jessica, to have privacy, and a room with a door we can close. I miss Venk, but it’s hard to want to be back in a house where your bed is in the kitchen.

We may be broke, with only enough bus tickets to get us out of the house once more before we leave, but it’s still a much-needed vacation.

With that said, I haven’t been sleeping well at all. Four or five hours seems to be the most I can manage. It’s unnerving, after spending so long, being able to sleep as much as I wanted, to have these problems pop up again.

It reminds me of being seventeen again, smoking cigarettes out the window in my room, watching the night go by, feeling as if my insomnia was a grand secret that no-one else knew about.

In the last couple days I have done some serious reflection. And I have decided that I have been faking myself to a high enough degree that I am not comfortable with what I do day to day.

It came about gradually. I started being fake because I was afraid to say something about things I disagreed with. And to do something different than those around me. And then I sort of got into the habit of not doing what was right for me, but doing what was right for those around me.

Specifically, I have not exercised or expressed myself creatively or used my social skills enough. Thinking that I didn't need to because others didn't seem to need to, I went on with their life style.

But as of last night I realise that in order for me to be happy, I need to do these things. It seems silly, but my happiness does rest on regular exercise, cooking and eating healthy food, keeping good contact with the friends I have, meeting new friends and playing with materials to express myself. I had forgotten that these things are a priority.

It scares me though, for some reason. I'm afraid that the real me won't mesh with my boyfriend, or my parents, or my job or people at work. But then I realised that if the real me doesn't mesh with them, then thats their problem. I will be happier with them when I am genuine. What a revelation!

Anyways, I don't know how I forgot this lesson. I'm pretty sure I have known it at different points, but how I forget it, is rediculous! So hopefully putting it here, I can refer back to it, when I notice I'm getting uncomfortable with myself again.

I was so ready to give up on the idea I've held so close to me since I was only a child. The idea that the movies weren't all crap, that the books weren't just decorated words, and that there was a chance in this world to actually find love and happiness and all that cheesy shit. Not to say I haven't experienced all the wonderfully terrible things that many associate with love, heartbreak, and the other emotions that seem to tumble into your lap when least expected, it's just that I simply figured those times were long past.

The plan has been for me to move in with my boyfriend for some time now. A guy that is perfectly wonderful, patient, understanding, smart, and enjoys many of the same interests as me. A guy that I've had no feelings for in return whatsoever that has ever gone beyond friendship or just plain sex. The plan is for me to move in with him today.

A week ago this was all fine and good. I felt okay about it. Maybe I wouldn't have been as happy as I possibly could, but it might have been enough. And yet this past week I feel nothing but a deep betrayal in my heart, as if I'm living a lie. As if this is so wrong I can feel it so deep down it hurts so bad to be twisting my feelings into shapes they aren't meant to be in.

I awaken each morning anxious to talk to somebody I've known for quite some time online but have only recently talked to on a more personal level. When I fall asleep he's there in my thoughts. But I'm not stupid. I've done the whole online relationship, I've met masses of online people, and I realize it's more than likely a passing infatuation. But what it does make me realize is I still am able to feel anxious to talk to somebody, that the emotions in me that I thought long dead are still there, waiting to surface. That for the few days he's awakened things in me I thought were asleep, I've been in a world of bliss where things actually look beautiful again.

Funny, really. I thought my days of chasing the impossibilities was over. I thought I wanted them to be over. But I'm not so sure anymore.

This was a pretty sad day, but it happened so long ago that it's now meaningless. I sure have noded some stupid crap...

Why do old men feel they have to marry women young enough to be their daughters? Does it make them look..macho or sexy? Like they're still hunks or whatever? So I'm watching CNN today..and I hear Paul McCartney, the sexiest of all sexy, is getting married to a

33

YEAR OLD. The man is 59, for Christ's sake. Paul must have some kind of underlying need to have someone. His wife died 3 years ago, and so now Paul has dropped to number three on my favourite Beatles list. But can you say "Trophy Wife"? Jebus.