The long search is over.
Finally, after years of uncomfortable
testing, I've found them - the perfect
pair of underwear.
I have an obsession with comfort. It's,
by far, the most important aspect of
anything and everything. If I'm
comfortable then I'm happy; it's as
simple as that. You know how socks,
after a few laundry cycles, have
oriented themselves with a particular
foot? Fresh out of the bag, a sock is
neutral; the toe is perfectly rounded
on either side but, after wearing them
once, the big toe has stretched out one
of the edges a bit and even laundering
won't correct it. From that day
forward, the sock has chosen a side, be
it right or left. Eventually, the sock
can never go back to neutral no matter
how many times you wear the Right Sock
on the Left Foot, it will always be the
Right Sock. A standard tube sock
orients itself by two factors:
1. The Heel - A neutral tube sock has
no top or bottom until you wear it
once. After that, The Heel has
stretched out a little home for itself
and it becomes possible to wear the
sock upside down (never do this.)
2. The Toe - The Big Toe will stretch
out a little home for itself creating
the Big Toe Indentation. This is very
difficult to reverse and should only be
attempted if you lose 2 socks and are
stuck with the dreaded Same Footed Pair
(one of the many forms of evil.)
It's easy to maintain a working,
comfortable pair of opposing socks by
labeling them "L" and "R." A Sharpie
works fine but a gentleman would
embroider the letters using a curvy
script (something the ladies will
love.) I've never been a gentleman
(because I'm way too hardcore) so a
simple Sharpie has solved my sock
issues for many years. Any of you who
know me (which is no one 'cause ya'll
are a bunch of freaks!) know that I
wouldn't be caught dead without a
labeled pair of opposing socks (one of
the many forms of everything that is
pure and true.)
But underwear...
I thought I had found the pair to beat
all pairs but the availability shrunk
while the price rose. Some corporate
bastard must have known a good thing
when he found it and made my underwear
as easy to find as a fnord (and equally
as important.)
The search is over. Hanes® has
unexpectedly created their masterpiece.
So soft, they wear like a pair of
prayers. So "unencumbering", it's like
running nude through
a field of
awesome. I'm proud to have my boys
cradled gently in their comforting (and comfortable)
hands (that's right - I said it!) The
waistband is covered by the same magic
material that the
rest of the undergarment is made from (cotton, I think)
creating a seamless unit of pleasure.
All undies are NOT created equal and
Hanes® has birthed the messiah (only,
hopefully it won't be crucified for
Mel Gibson and all of mankind.) Comfort goes by a new name: Hanes® Knit Boxers with ComfortSoft™ waistband.