It's 3:47 AM. I have not slept. I've planned to sit down and record the podcast at 5:30 AM. We have been trying to schedule this for months, so I don't plan on missing it. I tried sleeping tonight, I think I'm having a manic episode. I guess I've decided to sit and write this daylog just because I have a lot on my mind and typing these daylogs helps me process.
A song I've had on my heavy rotation the past few weeks. Slow and sad, I know.
My internet friend is still MIA. No idea where she is. Last online on all platforms the day she disappeared. Blocked everyone. The longer she's gone the more it upsets me. I know it's outside of my control. It's not strictly logical to allow myself to be upset, for that reason. I don't care, honestly. Maybe I should. I mean, if she's dead, I guess there's no point in feeling sad because everyone dies eventually, I guess objectively it literally doesn't fucking matter if it's today or not. I will still feel sad. It's selfish, and I'm an asshole. It's just the idea of "I won't be able to share moments with this person anymore." But, I guess if she killed herself, she did what was best for her happiness, so I'm not going to be angry about it. Just selfish. But good for her, right? Regardless, it's on my mind a lot. I still check my socials a couple times a day. Has she changed a profile photo? Has she been online on Steam? Nope. I tried pseudo-doxxing her to myself -- looked up her name on the dean's list on her university, tried searching for a contact. Too many irrelevant results. I texted, a mutual friend texted. The mutual friend said she might contact the missing friend's sister on some online dragon-training video game. So silly. Also, I learned today that her old username on Steam was "Gypsy Pimp". Honestly, I know it's not classy, but... god damn, that's simultaneously really surprising and also somehow in-character. I get that it's offensive and whatnot, but I find it... fucking awesome.
Anyway, the benzos didn't work so I'm off those and back on the Zyprexa. The theory is that the zyprexa without the Depakote will allow me to sleep without zonking me during the day. I'm very skeptical. Frankly, I think a higher dose of the benzos might have helped, but I'm not going to suggest that. I don't want my psychiatrist thinking I'm a fucking junkie. I've always been very conscientious about my meds and very open with him, and I think he trusts me. I've just been on maybe a couple dozen medications and honestly it's so fucking depressing that I'm exactly where I was years ago. In fact, today my psychiatrist told me that exactly -- since I got off the antipsychotics, he said "you're about where you were when you first started seeing me." His words. It just makes me feel so hopeless. He's suggested a couple of times trying lithium. He says that it might work really, really well -- however, I don't want my kidneys to fail in a decade. It almost invariably causes eventual kidney failure or serious kidney problems. That being said, I honestly can't take this anymore and if I have to fuck future Nicolasstag over, I'll do it. If this new medication change doesn't work, I'll just say to him, "I can't do this anymore, put me on the riskiest meds you're comfortable with, I need to function." I even prayed today for the first time in ages, asking for literally anything in the way of "help". Treating God like the cosmic vending machine. Fucking pathetic. I did it anyway though. I'm that desperate. I'm considering flushing the pills, just so I don't get tempted to sell them because I'm so fucking broke. It'd be a new low for me, but to be honest I don't think I'd ever do it.
Withdrawal is real, too. I'm really fucking thirsty. I have have a 64oz water bottle, and I drank 4 of them today. I drink water until my stomach can't take any more, I wait until it empties and then I fill myself again, and I'm still thirsty.
I made all my money back on ebay and I have a bunch of shit to sell. The trading/selling thing is working. It's inefficient but at least I'm getting some income, since I can't work. It'd be nice to get my windows 98 computer but since I didn't get financial aid this year, I'll either have to somehow scrape together the cash, get my father (who comfortably makes six figures) to miraculously agree to pay (he's frugal as shit), or skip the semester. Depressing because I've been working toward my associate's degree for four years now I think. I'm not even sure if I can do it, either. I'll keep trying for now.
In other news, I bought another chess game for my eventual Windows 98 computer. Platinum Chess. It has Battle Chess, Battle Chess 2, and USCF Chess. Apparently when it came out, you could play the USCF Chess video game and get an official USCF rating. Cool shit. I wonder if I'd make someone at USCF chuckle if I played for a while and then sent them an email asking for my rating. Hey, the box said I'd get my clout! I got it for mega cheap. I wonder if I can just burn the disc and resell it. I'd have to look into the piracy laws. I don't know if the company gives a shit about software that's 25 years old, but I don't want to take any chances. Yet I'm talking about it on here, where my real name is used. Maybe that'll raise an eyebrow. To be honest, the company might not even be around anymore. I will become a chess master. I will easily beat Magnus Carlsen... and I will also defeat him in chess. (Bad joke.)
The only thing I was looking forward to this past week was getting home and sitting outside to read my book. Nietzsche, currently. Every fucking night, though, the dog just barks and barks and barks. He has to be outside, too -- he's got a lot of energy, best he not get aggressive. Yesterday I was so livid that I was just sitting at my desk, fuming, thinking about how badly I wanted the dog to not be alive. I wasn't fantasazing about hurting the dog, but I was just... thinking about how nice it would be, I guess, if we didn't have him anymore. I wish I could just retroactively remove him from the timeline. I am fond of the dog. I enjoy his presence, and I might even miss him, but I don't think I'd shed a tear if he got hit by a car or shot.
That's not true, I was looking forward to getting home so I could ship some cards out... I also was looking forward to the podcast. That being said, I was really looking forward to the book. I don't really enjoy reading indoors that much. I need to be outside, in the evening, with a cup of Earl Gray. There's a bench nestled between a fence and a barn that I like to sit on. I used to sit on the deck, but the family neglected to put the patio furniture out this year, and I'm not going to do it. That shit is heavy, and I'd have to haul it across seven acres.
4:24 now. One hour until I record. Maybe I'll just brew up a pot of coffee and down the whole thing.
A guy I knew in highschool posted on his Snapchat story about being suicidal. I kind of hated him when I knew him but now I think he's really cool. It's been so many years. I messaged him and asked if he needed to talk. He talked a bit, and based on how he worded it, I think he was expecting me to try to convince him not to kill himself and honestly I think he wanted to argue. I'm not going to do that because when people do that to me it pisses me off. I basically told him that how he feels is very real and not "in his head", it was his choice either way, and that if he attempts suicide it will dramatically and permanently impact the people he cares about. He didn't seem to appreciate that, but he didn't seem annoyed either. I think he was just surprised. I guess I was just trying to objectify the perspective; what will the impact be? It's up to him if it's worth it. I know that when I've been suicidal, all I could think about was just how I felt.
I found my old cartridge of Pokemon Snap for the Nintendo 64 today. The premise is that you get to go through various environments and then try to photograph pokemon -- you can play a flute to soothe them, throw food at them to lure them, or throw stun gas at them. I cleaned the cartridge and played a game, trying to photograph Mew. I never figured out how to do it, and still can't. Good memories, but I think my system is getting old because the framerate was awful. Maybe it always was. I don't know. It was still fun.
I made a website for my podcast. It cost me money, but I'm hoping to monetize the podcast since the average downloads per episode is over 600 now. I made a Patreon, I made merch with Redbubble, we'll see how it goes. Maybe I can at least get it to pay for itself, since it does cost us each around $140 a year I think.
I watched a couple episodes of Star Trek on antenna TV today with my grandmother. It's been so long since I've watched them. They're my favorite shows. If I got them on DVD, it'd be the last day of my life -- I'd never be seen again, I'd just hole up inside and only watch Star Trek. Of course, the last episode ended on a cliffhanger and a "to be continued". I don't recall how that little arc ended. It's when Daniels brings Jonathan Archer to the 32nd century, but by doing so he accidentally turned civilization into a desolate ruin, and all the technology to send him back and "fix" the timeline is long gone. Enterprise is fucking shit compared to DS9 and TNG, but it's still pretty good. Unsure how I feel about Voyager still.
I kind of want to go to a bar right now. I'd really like a bullfrog. Too bad I'm broke.
MONEY!! Get away...
Tik Tok started showing me Andrew Tate videos. I report them when I see them. I don't even know how he exists. It's said that he doesn't see women as people, but to be honest I think he does -- I think he doesn't really care about how he treats people, collectively. Incels worship him. I'll probably crack a smile if/when I hear news of his inevitable imprisonment. Perhaps his showermates will be larger and darker than him.
I learned today that if you translate "semites" to Japanese and then translate it back, the result is "half-person". Semite, singular, translates fine. Don't ask my how I ended up translating that word into Japanese, I honestly have no idea myself. I just typed a bunch of garbage into the little box so I could search for Japanese words that were simulatenously questionable and also sounded like slurs. Yes, I was that bored. "No money" is a good one, though I found that one in a video.
I wonder where I'll be in a year. Probably where I am now, honestly, but anything's possible.
Spirit, let's hear it!
5:00 now. I've been writing this for over an hour. My phone's at 5% currently but I lost the charger. I've been using my mother's charger instead of buying a new one. Maybe I'll go order one now. As soon as I buy a new one the old one will turn up, Murphy's Law or some shit. Maybe I should buy a few and just stick a charger in a few different outlets. I should get a long one so I can have it at my desk.
My TV shuts off every so often for no reason. It cost me $75 though so I'm not upset about it, it's worth it. I just hope it doesn't do it in the middle of a game of Gauntlet Legends, that'd really suck. What I really wish it did was auto-shut-off. I've left it on for days before, I'm not observant. That thing gets hot, too, it heats up half the room.
I feel sick. Sleep would be nice. Let's see if I don't crash before 7:00. I'd like to get through the podcast.
20 minutes until I record...