I don't even know where to begin.. I am going to
Seattle in 9 days. Of course
im neurotic about it.
I hate my
empathy at times. Sometime I see someone, and I want to reach out.. and let them know that they
can trust people.. that they can open up without someone sticking a big iron spike in their soul.. it causes me
to say the wrong thing at times.. other times it causes me to say nothing at all.. I am confident.. too confident
for some.. I know im not perfect.. we all have faults. I sometimes point them out, my faults.. and the faults of
others.. not to be mean.. but to show them that people will still adore them for them.. and not cast them
aside.. some people dont take to that very well.. others .. i dunno.. i try to open up.. show them i am willing
to make the first step.. and i get slammed.
I think i come off as arrogent or cocky at times. I know I intimidate some.. others dont see me as a threat to
anything.. I think both are false.. I am confident in who I am.. that doesnt mean i am sure of who they are.. I
dont have the upper or lower hand.. human interaction is importent.. and i realize that I dont get out as much
as i should at times.. its frustrating.. finding people who stimulate me.. I can't deal with
spending time with people who arent a challenge.. im not looking to play games but be real.. no masks.. no
facades.. just unfilter humans connecting.. I have met a few nice guys as friends lately.. they all seem to spend
their time with people they have control over.. people who are afraid to question them.. and when they meet
someone who does.. they cant deal.. as someone recently put it to me "telling the emperor he has no clothes
on" ..
I am
in love.. I am publicly declaring it.. I am in love. He is amazing.. it scares me.. we both know we have
faults.. we both respect and understand ourselves, and each other. I'm scared to tread quickly.. He is not
perfect.. no one is.. if he was .. I would be totally inadequete.. but he is himself.. and that is all i ask.. "To
thine ownself be true" or sumn.. I wanna be as perfect as I can be for him.. without losing myself.. and
sacrificng who I am. I have this amazing amount of control in my life right now.. It is a bit rad.. I have this
total feeling of
self-actualization. I would be a liar if I said I wasn't a bit nervous/anxious.. I am scared that
being so far apart.. well you know.. how they say "absense makes the heart grow fonder" .. and when we go
for it.. his expectations will be way higher than I could ever hope to achieve... Iknow that it is just me.. and
my anxieties.. but still
Control.. perfection.. will power.. stregnth.. too much of a good thing is bad.. I lost 20 lbs or so.. I wanna
lose another few.. I look cute.. I can look cuter. Even at my heaviest, I was ok looking.. I had cute
boyfriends, who were smart and rad. This isn't about guys.
It is about me. I know I can look better, I know I
can be sexier, svelter, and just as cute. I would never loose or gain weight for anyone but myself..
My past hasn't been staying there lately, I think I see a chance to close a chapter in my life. I will be 21, on
9/11. Out of nowhere, every serious ex I have ever had has contacted me in some way. I see this as a
chance for closure, or acceptance that there wont ever be closure. This has great timing, since I go to Seattle
on the 24th.
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