Essential dirty jokes

While browsing through E2, I am often reminded of a quote by John Pilgrim.
But it's hard to find good dirty jokes. So as a service to the public, I will bring forth a bundle of dirty jokes. These are jokes that I consider to be classics in the dirty jokes department. (So you may know some of them).
Essential? Essential to whom? You may ask. Well, Fuck You, Clown.

Making Cakes

5-year old Jennie and her mother are walking in the zoo. They walk past the monkey cage, in which two monkeys are having sex.Oh, what the hell, this IS a dirty jokes node. I mean in which two monkeys are fucking.
Jennie asks her mother, "What are the monkeys doing?" and her mother, thinking quickly, answers, "Um, they're making cakes, dear."
They keep on strolling through the zoo, and they walk past the lion cage, in which the lion is making love to bonking the hell out of the lioness. "What are they doing?" Jennie once again asks. The mother replies, "They're making cakes too, pumpkin."
Soon they find themselves in front of the elephants, where the elephants are copulating screwing like there is no tomorrow. "What are they doing?" Jennie asks, and her mother replies, "They are making cakes, darling."
The next morning, Jennie's mother is cooking in the kitchen, when Jennie comes in. "Mommy," she starts.
"Yes, sugar-plum?" her mother prompts her.
"Did you and daddy make cakes on the couch last night?"
Well, naturally, the mother is rather nonplussed, but she keeps her cool, and asks, "Why, did you see daddy and me making cakes on the couch last night?"
"No, but I licked the icing off the upholstry."

Don't give me crap about 5-year olds not knowing words like upholstry. Which, incidentally reminds me of another joke:

3-year old old Joey and Lisa are playing in the living room.
Joey: Lisa, do you want to give me a blowjob in the patio?
Lisa: What's a patio?

But I digress...

Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest to Grandma's house. Suddenly a big bad wolf appears.
"Hello, Litlle Red Riding Hood," says the wolf. He stands up on his hind legs so that he towers above her menacingly. "Take off your clothes," he commands, "I am going to fuck you."
Litle Red pulls out a 44 Magnum. "Oh no you're not," she says. "You're going to eat me like the book says."

Dirty Dishes

Joe wants to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until, one day, he comes across a beautiful Harley Davidson with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even more beautiful than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolutely mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so pulls the Vaseline jar from his pocket.
The father backs away from the table and shouts: "All right, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"

Superman

Superman wakes up one fine morning and realizes that he has done everything he could in Metropolis. There are no more criminals and no more action, and he is bored senseless.
So he flies to see whether any of his buddies need help. He flies over to Gotham City and comes across Batman riding around in his Batmobile. Superman yells to him, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?"
Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control."
Superman flies towards that city where Spider-Man lives. (Chris-O tells me it is in fact, NYC). He sees Spider-Man lazily climbing a building, and asks him if he needs assistance.
"No, it's pretty quiet around here, right now." Spidy replies.
By now, Superman is getting quite exasperated. Not very hopeful, he starts to fly back to Metropolis. All of a sudden, he sees Wonder Woman lying completely naked on the beach.
"Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quickly, she'll never know what hit her!" So Superman swoops down, does his thing in about 5 seconds, and flies away, faster than a speeding bullet.
Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says, "What was that all about?"
The Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my ass hurts like hell."

The Lady and The Bartender

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman, clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him," she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

The Professor

Professor Murray and his wife went to bed, but instead of falling asleep like his wife, the professor decided to read for a while.
Every minute or so, Murray reached over and tickled his wife's pussy. After fifteen minutes of this, his wife turned over and said, "Look, if you want to fuck me, fuck me, but stop teasing me like that!"
"I'm not teasing you," he replied, "I'm wetting my finger so I can turn the page."

I'll end on this, one of the more classic classics. Chances are you've heard it, but I did call this node Essential Dirty Jokes, (watch it, clown!), so I'm including it.

Daddy, can I borrow the car?

The 18-year old girl comes up to her dad. "Daddy, the prom's tonight, and I promised my date I'd pick him up. Is it okay if I borrow the car tonight?"
Her father thinks, and says, "Okay, but only if you suck my dick."
Naturally, she is shocked, but her father's mind is made up. She really wants the car. So, resigned to her fate, she get down on her knees and starts doing the deed. But after about 2 seconds, she looks up in disgust, and says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!"
"Oh yeah, that reminds me," her father replies, "you can't have the car tonight; your brother's borrowing it."

Out in the country, there was a poor farming family. The old farmer lived with his wife and three sons, and had one cow, on which they depended for their livelihood.

One particular morning, the farmer wakes up and goes outside to milk the cow. Upon going into the barn, he sees that the cow is dead. The farmer panics, since the family had depended on this cow, and, hoping that his life insurance will support his family, he gets his gun and shoots himself.

The farmer's wife, hearing the shot, then wakes up. She goes outside and finds both their precious cow and her beloved husband dead. In a fit of grief, she decides she can't go on and hangs herself.

The oldest son hears this, and wakes up. He goes outside to investigate, and finds both his parents, and the cow, dead. Overwhelmed by this loss, he can't go on, and runs down to the river to drown himself. In the river is a beautiful mermaid. She says to him, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 5 times." Unable to resist such an offer, the son accepts, but is only able to do it 4 times. So the mermaid drowns him in the river.

Shortly thereafter, the middle son wakes up. He goes outside, sees his parents and the cow dead, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid is there, and says, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 10 times." The middle son accepts, and after 8 times, is completely worn out. So the mermaid drowns him in the river.

Finally, the youngest son wakes up. Like his brothers, he discovers his dead parents, and runs down to the river to drown himself. The mermaid says, "I'm the Magical Mermaid of the river. I've seen all that's happened, and I will bring your family back to life if you can have sex with me 15 times." The horny little 13 year-old says, "Only 15 times? Why not 20, or 25? Hell, why not 30 times?"

Hearing this, the mermaid is shocked. Skeptical, she replies, "All right. If you can have sex with me 30 times, I'll bring your entire family back to life and in perfect health." They're just about to go at it, when the boy stops, and says, "Wait a minute...how do I know 30 times won't kill you like it killed the cow?"

The doctor walks into the examination room. There is a very beautiful woman lying on the table. The doctor begins his exam, and lets his hands wander. He strokes her neck, and asks "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies "Your checking my lymph nodes."

He moves his arms down, unbuttons her shirt, and fondles her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Your checking for breast cancer" she replies. The doctor figures since the woman is obviously depressed and being very complacent, he'll try his luck.

So he pulls it out of his pants, takes off the patients skirt, and goes to work. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "Your getting Gonorrhoea, thats what I'm here for."