Ford Excursion

The vehicle that most closely resembles the Canyonero, the Ford Excursion is the largest SUV available today. It dwarfs the Expedition, and it makes the Explorer look like a Tonka truck. To get an idea of its gargantuan size, consider these facts: Promotional material claims that it seats nine passengers and their luggage comfortably. It measures 226.7 inches in length, 80 inches in width, and is 79.5 inches high (that's 576 cm x 203 cm x 202 cm), and has a 'blocker beam' under the front bumper to prevent smaller cars from going underneath it in the event of a frontal collision. 85% of the Excursion is recyclable, but the remaining 15% is still more material than two Honda Civics. It has a forty-four gallon gas tank, which, given its gas mileage, means it gets between 500 and 700 miles per tank. It weighs more than three-and-a-half tons, has a turning radius of over fifty feet, and has ten cupholders.

Seeing one reminds me of Big Daddy Don BoDean's monster truck, the Behemoth.

/me shamefully admits it

i like excursions.

oh it's true! the shame! the horror!

see, this summer, my brother and i went back to the Nebraska town we grew up in for a wedding. the closest airport we could fly into being 5 hours in any direction, we needed to rent a car. originally we were set up for an intrepid but *gasp* they didn't have our car! after a while we ended up with THE EXCURSION instead. the suv so gargantuan it demands to be typed in all caps.

and not just any excursion either.

V-10 4X4 All Leather Interior Excursion Limited

i simply could not believe the size of this thing. while driving from Denver to McCook my brother took a nap on the middle bench seat. lying completely stretched out! we fit 7 people in it and still had the rear bench seat and the cargo area with not a soul in them. we were easily able to look over the tops of suburbans as we passed them.

Mammoth!

and you'd think something so large, so heavy, would be pokey as all hell. o' my brothers. not true. driving down endless strips of two-lane blacktop, unable to resist randomly breaking out into Canyonero, the first time i got stuck behind a slow moving tractor, floored it to pass. the mighty roar of so much stump-pulling V-10 power as we accelearted to near 100mph before i'd even hardly noticed. i couldn't help but just yell "BOO-YAA!!!" and thus the mighty Excursion had been christened.

Excursion: The SUV that says "BOO-YAA!"

parking was a breeze too, what with the RADAR IN THE BUMPER and all...

and driving to the wedding, me in my maroon tux jacket with the black velvet lapels, and matching maroon velvet chucks, squarepusher blasting out of the premium cd sound system. i couldn't help but think to myself "cody, you are the smoothest motherfucker this town's ever seen"

or not.

paying $70 for gas sure did suck too.

When the Ford Excursion was first introduced to the American pubilc, the Sierra Club held a little contest to re-name the beast. The winning entry?

The Ford Valdez

It should be noted that an Excursion will not fit in a standard suburban garage.

Who'd have thought that Ford could take a Chevy Suburban, change the badge on the grill, add a couple of inches to each dimension, stick in a few more cupholders and turn the symbol of American vehicular ruggedness into something that people point at and laugh?