Inner Turmoil

April 30, 1996

Inner turmoil is how I describe my situation now. Since my parent's serparation I have tried to appease two individuals at the same time, which is virtually impossible. Maybe I am making a much bigger deal out of this whole thing than it truly is, but I don't perceive that to be true. I have been shaped by experiences. These experiences have helped me to mature and grow in ways I cannot understand fully. This growth has caused me to realize all this situation really is, and all that it can be defined as, a game. It is a game between a number of beings of unknown identity who may or may not know that I am being spiritually and mentally harmed in some manner. Perhaps I am not being harmed. Perhaps this hurt and ignorance is purity. A being who does not know right from wrong is in its purest form. It cannot perceive that what it is doing is "bad" or if it is "good." The being simply knows that it does what it does and that is the way everything works, has always worked, and will always work. There is no definition of good and evil because they should not exist. If mankind had simply stayed an ignorant creature created by a supernatural being, that universe as we know it would be entirely pure. Mankind, by persuasion, was made to become intelligent, to realize that they were naked, to know the shame of nakedness. Look at the animal kingdom. They show pride and admiration and love for one another not because they desire to, but because it will further their causes. They do it because that's just the way it works, show respect to those who can help you in your survival. They do it because it is the way it is. The it "it" in question here is life. They do life because life is the way life is. One must consume to survive, so one consumes. One must mate to reproduce in order for life to continue, so one mates. Life is simple. Now, throw in the ability to reason, which is a highly over-rated ability in my eyes, and you have corrupted the entire system. Now that the creatures have the ability to come up with their own idea and laws, life becomes complicated, and thus not worth continuing. It is a never ending cycle of debate after debate. End becomes beginning and vice versa.

I just got home from IHOP, and from talking with Daniel Rupley, Satyananda Wall and Joshua Clay Mitchell. (Author of the ever popular My Imploding Monkey) We had a conversation along these lines and I thought it interesting, so I wrote it down. I hate it. I hate discussion. I enjoy it. I will not continue.