Leonardo DiCaprio

Quite possibly the most hated and ridiculed movie actor ever. The main reason reason movie critics and other cinema fans disdain him is the cadre af squealing 13-year-old girls who go see every film he's in. He gets the girl every time, despite the fact that he looks to be about 14. His most famous role was as Jack Dawson in Titanic, the longest movie ever made without the aid of a scriptwriter. However, he played a good Romeo in Romeo and Juliet. There was a rumor that he was goint to play Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars episode two. George Lucas has since stopped smoking crack and realized that casting DiCaprio as Anakin would lead to his lynching at the hands of Star Wars fans already disappointed by the fact that Jar Jar doesn't die.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: So, you like the environment and stuff, right?

President Clinton: Yes, I think that the environment is a very important part of our future that we should try to protect at all times.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: That's cool. People are saying my new movie The Beach hurt the environment by destroying some beach in Thailand, but that's not true. I love the environment. It's good and stuff.

President Clinton: That's very brave of you to say, young man.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: You like sex too. That's cool. I voted for you, you know. At least I think I did.

President Clinton: Thank you very much.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: That whole impeachment thing was stupid. I bet if I was president, they would have impeached me like a billion times by now. I'm glad that now you can finally get back to the important work you do for the Armenian people.

President Clinton: American.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: Oh yeah, duh. Well, I think I speak for all of the youth of America when I say that you rock, dude. You're like the coolest president ever. You just do so much for the economy, man, and stopping those fuckin' Republicans from like ruining the country. You're the best. So, what are you doing later today, man?

President Clinton: First I have a photo shoot with the Girl Scout who sold the most cookies. Then I'm going golfing with Steven Spielberg.

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: Cool, man.

President Clinton: So, are you the new White House correspondent now?

ABC News Correspondent Leonardo DiCaprio: I don't think so, Pres. This is hard. Plus, ABC told me that if this works out, next week the Backstreet Boys are going to interview you about social security.

Feminine looking actor, if you can call him that. Leonardo DiCaprio (or as I like to call him, Leonardo DiCrapio) is an actor who made it big in Titanic, but has starred in numerous other movies before. Interestingly, nobody has ever heard of them. They have something to do with grapes and basketballs, last time I heard.

The rise of this person in the entertainment industry can be explained by the change in preferences of 14 year old teeny boppers in America. Whereas in Brazil, he has always been liked because his whitish, pale and bony appearance apparently is different from the darker skinned men in the region. However, polls in America show that the average teeny bopper prefers guys that are pale, skinny and sick-looking nowadays. As compared to before, where figures such as Harrison Ford and Sean Connery embodied handsome, being the traditional definition of the term. I guess culture has changed.

Apparently, he is as despised inside the entertainment industry as well. Claire Danes described him as "very immature". Kate Winslet flirted with him briefly to increase her status, then called him "childish". Panned by critics and men everywhere, his only solid fanbase seems to be the endless mobs of crazed adolescent girls between ages 12 and 15.

Today, when he isn't acting (snicker), he travels around the world partying with his posse of brainless friends. Rumor has it that several resorts around the world are refusing to let him in any more because of his reckless behavior. IMHO, this is one person who is heading toward the sink. I expect him to burn out and lapse into insignificance within the next 5 years. Then again, they said that about John Travolta too some time ago. I wouldn't be surprised if he returns. Oh boy. I can't wait.

Recently did a ridiculous little publicity stunt with President Clinton. Doesn't that say something about both Clinton and the entertainment industry? Sick, sick, sick. I liked Uberfetus' parody immensely.

Has been called the new Marlon Brando. If that implies ending up the same way as the original, I feel pity for him.

Otherwise, a good-looking boy who (believe it or not) also happen to be a real actor, and a good one at that, even if Leo-bashing is highly fashionable these days.

Has shown in Gilbert Grape, Titanic ("I'm the king of the woooooorld !"), Romeo and Juliet, and Celebrity, among other, less valuable movies - see The Beach (although a film with Virginie Ledoyen in it cannot be an absolute failure).