May 2, 2002

I don’t want to be that person.

Bad things happened the first time we drank with them. Justin and I blacked out for anywhere between 2 and 3 hours and threw up everywhere. Branden had fun with a random girl in a random bedroom, and regrets it to this day. Our words told of responsible drinkers, while our actions told of people out of control.

I already had a full summer planned when the issue of a trip to North Carolina came up. All my friends, and a couple of people I didn’t really know, would by our lonesome in a rented condo multiple states away from any parents. It sounded like a dream come true to all of us. I changed my plane flight to after the trip, and started asking people for alcohol orders as I am the only reliable one who can supply.

I brought it up one day online, just to make sure everyone was okay with the idea of alcohol on the beach. The pair, or the vocal non-drinking duo of Ryan and Amy, said no. They said no and everyone said no with them.

Everyone other than the pair was lying.

All my friends said they didn’t need alcohol to have fun. The day after every single one of them other than the pair reversed their decision, and began talking of sneaking it down. The orders are coming in, and I’m up to $60 worth of booze.

To go on this trip means I stay in a state without a home for an extra week, which warrants finding a place to sleep. Amy told me out of nowhere that I could stay at her apartment for the whole time no problem, and if I needed a ride anywhere just to ask. I was very surprised to hear this news from her as I have never been especially close.

Now I feel guilty every time I think of bringing alcohol to North Carolina. She is the one who is organizing it; it’s her trip, and it’s in her name. And I am the stereotypical frat boy who is smuggling alcohol for his friends.

The last time my friends and I drank together two of us nearly went to the hospital and the third nearly had unprotected sex with a stranger. Now I’m the one who wants to do it again, this time in another state with the stakes much higher.

I don’t want to be that guy who brings booze and trouble with him everywhere. I want to be the guy who brings thought and wisdom with him. Peer pressure is having it’s effect, this time not to have myself partake in a beverage, but to allow others their choice.

Justin said he was playing $200 to go to the beach, why the hell couldn’t he have some vodka before bed? I agree with him, but I also agree that alcohol could be an explosive element that could be the harbinger of doom for the trip, and even some friendships.

I couldn’t even write this node without two people messaging me making sure I could get alcohol or double checking their order. I don't know what I am going to do, but I will not be that person.

I guess I'm beautiful.

Oh, wait, that would be Asian women. Not Asian men. Sorry, my mistake, won't happen again. I was flattered at first that you wrote that about Asians, until I really thought about it. I'll just move along.

Oh, but we're smart, aren't we? But I still want to feel loved. Just being intelligent isn't all that it's cracked up to be, especially when there is no one to love you for it.

Don't get me wrong, please. I'm glad that Asian women have been so heartily accepted into this culture. It makes the burden of being Asian all that much easier, really. Of course, they carry a lot of other baggage with their acceptance as well, but generally, it works out to their advantage.

Perhaps it's my fault, though. My fault for not being outgoing enough, for not letting people understand me. I guess sometimes I lock up and become hermitic. I should really go out and meet people... but, people just ignore me, unless I have a good idea, and then they steal it from me.

If I'm not intelligent, then people want me to kick someone's ass just to impress them. I am not freaking Jackie Chan, OK. I am not going to kick anyone's ass, so don't ask.

So that's what I'm going to do. I am going to socialize. Perhaps this will make things easier for other Asian men. At the very least, I can be beautiful.

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En mi vida faltas tu,
Y sin ti que triste estoy ...
-- Sparx

Golly. Ha venito al fin una epoca.

Monday night I emailed Nolan and asked him to read my last two daylogs, and deliver his verdict as to whether I am being too sensitive. I didn't, and still don't, think so. Well, he did think so, but also addressed the question of why we don't hang out together by telling me that my feelings for him do, in fact, make him uncomfortable, and as long as they continue, he won't be able to see much of me.

He was very gentle about it, and in the dead of night sent a series of messages reiterating that, and expressing that he didn't want to hurt me. I have no doubt that he felt badly saying it, and in my answer I told him I knew full well that he didn't want to hurt me, and thanked him sincerely for being honest about the matter. Despite whatever discomfit he felt, I imagine there was also a sense of relief, as he probably has been restraining that voice for quite some time.

This probably sounds weird, but I am especially certain of his sincerity and concern (not that I doubted it) because his notes consisted of whole paragraphs of complete sentences -- with punctuation and capital letters and everything! -- which, IIRC, he has never done.

And today doesn't mark a withdrawal from me on his part, but simply my discovery of why I have so rarely been able to share time with him for so long, and I will stop asking to do so. I'm definitely not reading his message as saying that he never wants to be with me again, but simply that it will continue to be as it has been.

Fortunately, I think I have grown over the last year, and can accept that I've done nothing wrong, and he's done nothing wrong, and in fact, going back to what Joanna and I used to talk about, while I had problems being no more and no less than a friend to him, he has been having problems allowing me to be just that.

Just goes to show, life can be a bitch. Well, I'm glad to know that he will be happier not having to contend with my unwelcome attempts at fraternization, and I will continue to treasure the time that I can spend with him whenever that happens to happen.

You can't choose who you love.
-- Nina Borowski, The Object of My Affection

Querido Nolan
He visto ojeada del amor que vive dentro tu alma
Y para siempre haré un pedozo pequeño en mi corazon.
Por eso, te doy muchas gracias, amigo mio.

My God, I am so tired right now. Today was one of those work days that leaves you completely drained, and looking at the clock hours out from home time. Normally, I get home after these days, and can only think of everything that went wrong, how many servers crashed, how many people called at exactly the wrong time (uncanny how after a period of silence, 5 people can call at the same time!), and how much I can't wait for the week to be over. Well, I still can't wait for the week to be over, but my tiredness tonight isn't so bad, because it's the result of talking to a truly awesome man today.

I work on an IT Help Desk, supporting one of the branches of Australia's Judiciary system. There are normally five of us, supporting around 1000 or so users, from the people who sit at the counter, to the Judges who sit in Court. Today there were three, the others being in Brisbane preparing to replace all of their aging computers with shiny new ones. Again, it's uncanny how the days when we're all there can be so quiet, but when we're one or two down, everybody has problems they need fixed. So it was with a somewhat sinking feeling that I answered the phone to hear the man on the other end introduce himself as Justice Smith (no, not his real name).

His notebook computer had already been upgraded, and he was now working through Windows 2000 (previously, it had been Windows 95(!) ) He is the only user in the Court to have an HP OfficeJet Pro 1175C sitting on the desk next to him - a combination fax/colour printer/scanner. He went on to explain how since the upgrade, after reinstalling the software that hadn't been carried over by us, he hadn't been able to get the automatic document feeder attached to the scanner to function. In fact, every time he tried to start a job, OmniPage Pro 10 would freeze up. I suppressed a sigh - a user who has a non standard piece of equipment, running through a non-standard application, is our worse nightmare. Normally it's not so bad - we'll do our best to help them, but if it's not a standard application or piece of hardware, there's not too much more we can do. When it's a Judge, the rules change. We bend over backwards to help our Judges as quickly and fully as possible. That doesn't mean our normal users are less important - but if a Judge is about to go into Court and deliver a Judgement, and they can't print it - well, it's a very big deal. There's also no concept of not supporting non-standard apps/hardware where they're concerned. If they need it, or want to use it, we support it.

So I started to troubleshoot. On these type of jobs, remote control access to the user's desktop is just automatic. I began looking at the scanner, checking it's drivers. Seeing what happened when jobs were sent to it through OmniPage. We uninstalled software, then reinstalled it. Downloaded updated drivers, removed hardware then reinstalled it too. I was madly searching HP and OmniPage's web site support areas for a clue about just what was going on, patches, anything that might help me. And we were making very little progress, things still didn't work properly. Time and time again, I'd make a change that may have helped - the scanner was initially being recognised as a 1170C, which doesn't have an ADF - bingo! Updated the drivers, tried again...it still fell over in exactly the same way. Patched OmniView, changed CAERE settings, used different TWAIN drivers. Every single inch of progress was a victory.

At the end of the day, I'd spent over three hours on the phone with this Judge, as he watched what I was doing, suffered through the lag I had from my location to his, made him reboot his computer countless times. And after those three hours, the problem wasn't fixed. He still couldn't use the ADF through OmniPage. It would work in the standard Kodak Imaging software included in Windows 2000, but OmniPage - no way. So I investigated using the Kodak imaging software to do the scanning, and opening that in OmniPage to do the OCR that he needed to do (the point of the whole exercise). I was so confident that I'd found a work around for him, I could give him something at the end of the day. Until that software fell over when attempting to save the scans as tiff files, and refused to use the ADF to do more than one page at a time.

Now, normally, I'd have been pulling my hair out in the most incredible frustration, totally clueless about where to go next. Today was different though - and I owe it all to the Judge on the other end of the line. Not one single time did he get frustrated - not once. I was trying different things, even though I was 99% sure my attempts would be doomed to failure. I got him to restart a good dozen times - every time he did this, my connection would be lost, so he'd have to re-establish it on restart. My vision of what was on the screen would sometimes be 10 of 15 seconds behind what he could see in real time - he understood this, and would read out what he could see, and ask me whether I wanted him to press ok, if it would be easier. Not once did he try to move the mouse on his end, and engage in the mouse control wars that are so common when remotely viewing a user's screen. He thanked me for my patience!

Three hours working on the one problem, with the user on the phone the entire time, is almost unprecedented. Three hours on the phone with a Judge...well, I don't know that anyone will ever beat that record. He had every right to be frustrated. This was one of the oh so rare days where he wasn't listed to go into Court at all, he had an entire day to work on Judgements, research cases, catch up on things he wouldn't normally have the time to do. I have a headset phone - he doesn't. He sat for three hours with a receiver to his ear. I hope his arm isn't too sore tonight, let alone his ear - at least I have a soft foam cushion surrounding the ear piece.

So I still have work to do for him, I still have to find a solution to his problem. It didn't end there however. Another piece of software he wants to reinstall after the upgrade is Dragon Dictate. This software allows him to dictate, directly to text, the things he needs written. He is the only Judge at his site who has the luxury of taking his associate into Court with him - the reason he can do this is the time saving he has created by scanning documents through OCR, and dictating directly to documents. Personally, it saves him no time. For his associate, he saves a huge amount of time. So he's got a brand new version of Dragon Dictate, ready to install. Asks for my help to install it - I'm happy to help. He puts the cd in the drive....and nothing happens. I look in explorer, there's no cd detected. After a restart (again!), it's still not there. I ask him to try it in his associate's computer, and it works perfectly, straight away... Still, after a day of everything failing, he doesn't sound the slightest bit annoyed, or grumpy. I'm sure that it's frustrating him greatly, it must be by this stage, but he doesn't ever take it out on me, or blame me for the trouble he's having.

I just have to say, that I'm in awe of this man's patience. If I ever have a need to go into a Court, I hope it's him who's sitting on the Bench. I may not have been able to fix his issues today, but I learnt something from him. He had the ability to make my day a living hell. He could have gotten frustrated, angry, annoyed - but he didn't. And now, I'm sitting here, feeling ok, because even though today was totally draining, and frustrating for me too, his attitude and understanding didn't ever make me feel like I'd failed. I hope, that out of today, I can learn to show the same understanding towards others, and recognise the real difference my actions, and attitude, can have on them.

Now, I sit with my eyes heavy, and my body drained...and I can't help but smile.

First things first:

Gwenivere Danielle Maurer, my daughter was born yesterday at 3:32 AM. 8 lbs, 1 oz, 21 inches long. The most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

4:30 PM, yesterday, I lost my job.

11:30 AM today, I find out that I don't qualify for unemployment insurance because I didn't make 411 dollars in some quarter in the past year. I will qualify for it in July, 2 months from now.

I have no way to feed my family. Or, probably, to keep a phone line or my cable modem.

I do have a job interview today at 4. I hope it goes well. I just feel like dying, though.

Today was the "big bike ride" for the Heart and Stroke Foundation. It's an idle Thursday mid-morn, and I am distracted from grocery shopping through my mother's cupboards by "Who let the dogs out" playing loudly outside, without any sign that the offending car was actually driving anywhere. So I look. And to what should my wondering eyes appear, but a bicycle built for twelve. Riding this bicycle, very very slowly, were twelve white-haired locals waving to passers-by and blaring annoying pop music.

made my day

since my day so far has been dreaming of escape and wondering how I could raise $7500 to take an "adventure tourism" continuing education course at Kwantlen while paying off my student loan accumulated over useless courses, and feeding and housing myself for a year. because adventure tourism is sounding a lot better than education.

I also don't have a job yet. But how will I have fun and enjoy the sunshine and summer months if I slave for minimum wage at Tim Horton's? I was going to work at camp. The interview couldn't have gone any better. They don't love me. /whine/

meanwhile, my roommate and my best friend made plans and didn't even pause to consider inviting me. i was home. i had nothing better to do. they knew this.

"You need to stop doing that, as the account is no longer your property."

--Amanda Rios, Internal Revenue Service

I woke up yesterday feeling good, as I always do when the month of May begins. And, as I always do on the first of every month, I take care of a bit of financial business.

Some of that financial business concerns a joint account I hold with my mom. My rent, for one thing, is paid out of this account.

Imagine my surprise when attempting to withdraw the required sum being told that the account had been frozen by the IRS.

Several frantic calls (It was a May Day mayday!!) later I discover the IRS has found several 'irregularities' in my mom's tax returns from years past and the dispute over them has grown to the point where the IRS feels it necessary to cover everything my mom has her name on with red tape.

And, apparently, they did this a month ago, and have only now gotten around to telling me. When I explained that the account was mine as well as my mom's (actually, it's all mine, the funds coming from various bequests from relatives over the years ... but since they're all from the maternal side of the family, my mom wanted administrative powers over the funds when I was younger and we just never got around to taking her name off) and that I regularly used the account for my modest living expenses, I was told "You need to stop doing that, as the account is no longer your property."

Boy, it's things like this that make me want to become a fire-breathing libertarian (but I resist when I realize I'd like my vote to count for something). And I guess I should be a little mad at my mom for not keeping cleaner books, but dammit, she's been sick and I can't find it within myself to get mad at her. To be fair, I also should be mad at myself for not insisting ... at least by age 30! ... that I was a big boy to my mom and that we needed to remove her name from the account. But it's family money, and that always complicates matters.

"The account is no longer yours," indeed. We'll see about that Ms. Rios-lady. Hmph.

Today is an interesting day. I had my last class ever at Cornell, as a freshman. Well, I do have to go to chemistry lab tomorrow morning (8 in the morning!) to check out, but that doesn't really count. So I went to my last chemistry lecture, which wasn't all that interesting, had lunch with a friend, came back to my room and took a shower, then went to pick up my last paper in my writing class. Luckily my TA really liked it so I don't have to do much revising. Then I got back to the dorm and received an email saying I could pick up my plant lab practical, which had been graded. I trudged all the way back to central campus (I live on north campus, here at Cornell) to pick it up. Unfortunately, I only got the mean grade (I know, I've disappointed E2...), but it could have been a lot worse.

I decided to waste time and write a silly little poem about slope day, which is tomorrow. It's an annual tradition on the last day of classes where all students come out on Libe Slope and get drunk together. There are plenty of other activities to participate in too, like laser tag and [free food (although you don't really participate in free food but you know what I mean). So this is my poem:

Twas the night before slope day
And all though the school
Not a student was working
That would just be uncool


Tonight there are parties
So that all can cope
With having to wait
To be on Libe Slope

Friday will come soon
We will have fun and drink
We will not go to classes
And forget how to think

So to all my Cornell friends,
Let us unite
Happy Slope day to all
And to all a good night!

Pretty silly, huh, but that allowed me to waste a good couple minutes. What fun.

So I haven’t been up to much recently, just finishing up work and stuff, waiting for finals to hit me with their terrible blows.

In other news, my roommate and I are now the caretakers of two baby hamsters, both of which are way too cute. It's nice to be able to take care of something in this dreary dorm. Also, I've pointed this out on my home node (as well as posting my poem there as well) that I am officially single now (watch out!). I broke it off with the jerk of a boyfriend who, even though he says he cares about, was acting like an ass. I handled it very well, with the grace and perfect bluntness that everything2 has taught me. You all would have been proud.

Okay, that's it from me for now. Hope everyone is well!

So tired, tornado sirens all night long, little fever babies. Then crack of dawn comes with “Miles took off his diaper and peed onna floor” and “put this dress on my dolly” and have I mentioned that I had only slept like, MAYBE, an hour. Picture me bloodshot, grit under the eyelid, whole head fuzzy and needing at least six more hours of rest.

So I was pretty cranky. Sitting on the chair, big circles under my eyes, and Katie started talking. She said a lot of stuff before I started taking notes. This is what she said:

Matters are feelings that make your body feel better for healing.

Eyes ocean wide, palms up and out, she is weighing something.

And makes your body…Columbusly, um, to chew your food.

Foot swinging.

Six days on one, and your body heals.

Eyebrows, little pencil thin arches, super high because she is on to something.

And tremendously comes up when you eat it! THAT’S part of your heart!

Lips pursed to one side, wee finger on cheek like a thinker.

And, inside your body you have a lot of food! And inside my body I have ice cream!

Quiet. Foot circles a foot above the floor.

And that’s how you loose your patience, and I run out of my spells.

Me, so glad I have been writing it all down. I could never remember the whole thing. Then, the kicker. She gets off the chair, folds her small self into my lap, puts her cheek on mine.

You know, I like it when you are my mommy. When you are kind and full of life.

Me too, punklin, monkey bean, little Katie bee, so good at being three. Me too.

Reed College, back to haunt me, through my own summoning.

I first applied to Reed College in the fall of 2000, using it as a backup (ha!) to Princeton, which I never had a chance of getting into anyway. Reed was the first school I was really interested in, and I liked the ideal of a small liberal arts college in Oregon.

However, private schools cost a lot of money. And as a middle-class wasp, I do not qualify for any particularly significant scholarships, even with excellent grades and SAT scores...except for the one I have now, at Ohio University, which is worth about $5,000 a year.

I got into Reed last year, and I just got into Reed again. I'm starting to wonder about the whole admissions process and how schools increasingly craft their entering classes with precision decisions, choosing one person over another because one plays the Glockenspiel ("And we've never had one of THOSE before," says the Dean of Admissions) and the other is merely smart. Having a unique talent or quirk is, according to the woman who interviewed me for Reed, usually the final factor in getting admitted to a competitive school. They want color and sound and the magical concept of diversity.

If Reed cost the same as Ohio University, I would go in half a second. I like the setting and the academic rigor and the connections to good graduate programs in everything. But it doesn't. It costs $32,000, and I can't count on getting much scholarship aid. Assuming none, that's a difference of nearly $25,000. Even over only three years, that's more money than I have ever had.

Add to this the complex family situation of a dead father and a mother who is rapidly approaching retirement and unemployment. My mom has maybe a half million in savings. She won't give me any for school. There are times I want to scream, "Damn it, I need the money more than you!!" but I know that right or wrong doesn't matter in an issue like that. And I don't even know if I'm right, anyway. I don't have the gall to just demand it. Nevertheless, Reed caused the only shouting match between my mother and I that I can recall in my entire life.

But I want to get the hell out of Ohio. I want to feel like I'm doing something new and something fresh, like I've actually taken control of my life and steered a new course. I've never felt that way before.

I tasted it this morning, barely. A hint. Does it matter where I go? Is Reed just an arbitrary rebellion? I always have done things the hard way...too bad I couldn't rebel by getting a full ride at an out-of-state state school...

I've got two weeks to agonize about it. What I really want, I think, is someone to tell me what to do. I lack an authority figure and find myself a wanting substitute. I have no real confidence in my decisions...and I feel as though by taking this one, and not compromising with anyone, I will establish that desperately wanted confidence.

Or maybe I should just go out and get laid.

Live with Willie J

In the news today, former US President William Jefferson Clinton wants to have his own talk show. According to CNN, he is considering a $50 million fee (presumably for a year?). No word on whether it would be a gross-out gab-fest, like Jerry Springer, or a sensitive show with pretensions of good taste, like Oprah Winfrey.

I for one hope the deal goes through. Its a natural; feeling our pain is his true vocation.

And imagine looking back on Reagan and thinking, "At least he was on the silver screen"...

Well, it's been a year since all this crap started.

I'm back in court, and things are not going well. I will be starting trial in the next few days. Jury selection starts in the morning, and the nightmare has already begun.

I did not get a new judge. The judge from last time is the only judge willing to preside over this case, so he's the one who has it. I would have gotten a new judge if it were only myself and my previous codefendant on trial, but unfortunately, we have been joined by a third codefendant.

This third codefendant comes from the other trial group, two of whom plead out in the last few days. She was not a bystander. She is charged with about 8 offenses, including conspiracy to riot, which means the conspiracy evidence is going to come in again, which means in turn that the trial is going to be about 3 times as long as if she weren't joining us. Original projections were for a 2-3 day trial, and now I'm looking at at least 6.

The judge is being, if possible, an even bigger jerk this time than last. He's allowing in evidence that I've essentially been acquitted of, evidence that doesn't pertain to my current charges but to the conspiracy charge, and is still not allowing in photos of my injuries as that might bias the jury. Apparently only the prosecutor gets to bias the jury.

To complicate things further, my new codefendant's attorney is not terribly competent, and has already started picking fights with the other defense attorneys.

I punched a good friend today.

I showed up for the robotics club meeting after school, and I see a big box of pizza, and everyone eating. I peer in and saw one single slice remaining. Who must this one be for? Well, everyone else's mouth is full, why don't I take it?

I reach in and Tim slaps my hand away.

"What's that about?"
"This isn't your slice."
"Then whose is it?"
"We all paid for it."
"Okay, I'll pay you for it. Here's $2" "No! We all chipped in!"
"All right, how about I pay you $3?"
"I don't care if you give me a million, I'm hungry and I want this slice!"
"Who else bought it?"
"Me, Frankie, and Renzo."
"All right. Hey Renzo, I'll pay you $2 for a slice!"
"Don't let him have it!"
"Why not?"
"Renzo? Ok, Frankie, I'll pay you $2 for a slice"
"Dude, you're not getting it"
"Fine! Take your stupid slice!" {grumble}

I walk away, leaving Tim to munch on his crust. Then I hear Frankie say, "I don't want any more, anyone can have that slice." I spin around and take the four steps back to the table, but I see my greedy friend already on his second bite. WTF? Wasn't he just holding a crust? Now he's looking at me, with a big grin on his face.

"Hey!" "MMghtzpt {mouth full}" "Oh come on! No fair!" He gives me a huge smartass grin, still stuffing his face.
Now I really get mad, madder than I ever have in the 3 years I've known him.

"You ASSHOLE!" I yell, in front of the group. I don't curse, so this suprised me, but I usually don't get that upset. This guy knew that I wanted that slice, and he would rather see me suffer than both of us smile over its taste.

I glare.

He grins.

"You Jerk", I say with my teeth gritted. My right hand opened. I swing it up and curve it left, so I catch him right in the side of the head, with all my strength. It must have hurt; it was a really hard smack that almost pushed him off the seat. If it were me, I'd probably fall over or yell or something, but these public school kids are probably used to pain. In half a second he's back straight again, looking at me, this time with a wider grin.

I'm unsure what to do. I feel as if people are watching me. "You SUCK." I say for lack of a better insult that's not a curse word and storm off. I would have said some more, screamed at what just happened, but I had to leave there immediately. Every part of me just had to run, it just felt horrible. Horrible for cursing at someone and actually meaning it, Horrible for striking a friend, horrible because he was really being selfish and dissing me in front of all our friends. Horrible because my great day of school now had a dent.

I sit down and have a deep breath, my mind is racing. It was only 10 seconds of confrontation, but I reacted in a direction I don't like. A minute later my sister comes over to me and says how when I left, everyone went and told Tim what a rotten thing he had just done, for no reason.

I still feel really bad about the whole thing. Yes, he started it, Yes, he was mean, Yes I shouldn't have hit him.

A few minutes later, I walk back in, nothing's different, except everyone is just about done with their pizza. I'm walking over there, but a friend stops me to compliment my shirt. That's what I wanted in the first place, but first I have to set things right.

I tap Tim on the shoulder, he turns and looks at me, again with that stupid grin, only about normal size this time.
"Hey, I'm sorry about that before. You okay?" I point to his head. He nods, and shifts his social smile a bit.

Good, I apologized, why don't I feel any better? Dang, I never curse, and especially not when I mean it. I don't hit people either, now I'm angry at myself for...everything. How I handled it, how I reacted, how I lost my temper.

As the class starts, I put my head on the table and think. Why did I lose it like that? Maybe it's anxiety over college? That stultifyingly bad test I finished an hour ago? The arguement with my mother? Nah, I wasn't angry when I walked in.

It must have been his look. He was looking in my eyes, and smiling. When I glared back, I saw this malicious look of pleasure in his eyes. Just feeling his aura of schadenfreude stunned me, it demonized him in my eyes. I'm glad i wasn't holding anything and I didn't glare at him long enough, because I would have hit him harder. The look just made me snap, shattered all the calm I had up to that point, and the expression on his face drove me to madness.

My sister didn't make me feel any better. "Yes, it was unfair, but so was you hitting him." I tried to tell my friend after school about how bad I felt that I hit someone, and the feeling they gave me was "Welcome to the Club."

I recount the whole thing to my father, who takes my side in the whole thing, but I don't feel any better. What do I want? I want someone to tell me things will be all right, I want him to accept my apology. I feel so weak and powerless.

I want him to say he's sorry for what he did to me, and he didn't know I'd take it so badly. Maybe I had extenuating cicrumstances, any person would have reacted the same in my case.

I want him to apologize.

--Dang, I started crying from another Daylog again

So am I really just not as smart as I thought I was? Did I just think the bullshit I bitch about was meaningful?
Does nothing I say have any value of any kind? I know I've always noded about noding. It's a bad habit to shake.
I have the urge to try and work my way up to the level of most of the noders I admire, but I seem to be struggling. It's been so long since I've been caught up in E2. I mean..I know that all that shit was written in High School (look at the dates on most of the nodes and also my Nodegel Visualization).
I desperately want to be considered apart of the intelligent noder group. I don't want to turn this into some kind of 'Fuck E2' rant, because that's not how I feel.

Recently, the only noding I've done has only managed to DISCOURAGE any further noding on my part. I have things I would like to say, but I am afraid of the outcome.
Most recently my nodes have been nuked on the basis that they were 'noding about noding'. I dunno if these nodes were a desparate attempt to convince myself and/or others that I could somehow get myself back into the noding game or not.

Maybe because I'm not settled down in the position in life that I desire I can't find a solid footing to get myself back into the swing of things here.

Don't get me wrong..I LOVE e2. I LOVE the people. I loved being in Boston, not only for getting to know the people I've admired for a long time but also because I made a step in the right direction for where I want to proceed in life. I've at least explored another enviornment than the one I currently reside in. And it has exciting and stimulated me.

I don't know if I'm writing this in order to get words of encouragement or if I just felt the need to bitch about getting a node nuked right off the bat again :)

I don't know what I expect from everyone else. Respect. Love. Caring. A Hug.

I just want to find my place that I thought I had had when I was just a little boy in HS. E2 was where I wanted to be in that time period. I want to go back to those days. Or at least re-insert myself into the machine that is E2.