There are several ways you can go about getting out of work. Sure you can just not show up, or just get up and leave, anyone can do that. This gets you marks on your record and gets you fired, however. The REAL show of
style and
skill is taking a deserved
vacation and
getting away with it.
Having a
job is a great thing, provided you actually WANT to be there. Getting out can be more difficult though, especially if you want to be able to return to said
job later in the
future and still find you have a
position there. The most common method of getting around this is
calling in sick.
Calling in Sick:
Doing this can be quite simple, and when pulled off correctly can even let you get by without a write-up or occurence. Step one of this method is to
pick up your
phone, usually the day of your desired
absence, and
call your place of
work. Many places have a
front desk number or
hotline that you can call to
report your
absence, which can make it far easier than talking to your actual
boss, which can cause unneeded
stress that may cause you to
fuck up. Don't be too elaborate on this one, just state that you are
sick and give a believable
symptom. It's much easier to accept, "I'm not going to be in to work today, as I've got a nasty
stomach cramp," than to sit there and mill over, "Well, I ate a
taco from
Taco Time lastnight, and apparently it must not have gone too well, because now I've got a nasty
headache, can barely move, and my head
hurts like a bitch. I also suspect I'll be
constipated and stuck around here all day." The
latter provides way
too much information that a person who should not be able to show up to work would likely give. Think about it. If you really ARE unable to move, are you going to care about giving a
paragraph on your
troubles, or are you just going to want to utter, "sick... tummy funny..." into the
phone?
Now that we've got that done, you may go
enjoy your day. But what if you don't want this going on your
record, or you want an excuse for being sick... say... THREE days in a row? This too, is not too
difficult to
prove. Check your
employer's tardy/absentee agreement, usually they have a
stipulation for serious illness, which is fortunate for you. If you were the kid who could pass himself off as sick to your nurse mother during
school, you can go to the doctor and try to
feign illness. Suggesting something along the lines of
food poisioning or a previously unknown
allergy could get you the required note to
waive your absence. If this fails, you can usually
hack it from a previous piece of
paperwork from your doctor you may have around, or just swipe some of his
stationery and do one yourself. Imagine the possibilities!
Explosive Random Hemmhoroidal
Discharge! Who's going to want to argue with, or even BEGIN to discuss that? You can also, with some skill, usually cook up a
document from scratch with a name of a
doctor and that
hospital's
logo, though this is quite time consuming and could lead to
accusations of
fraud if you happen to be called on it.
Death in the Family:
A lot of companies also have a
policy that
immediately waives
absence to take care of a
death or
crisis if needed. The advantage to this one is that as long as you don't mind
exploiting "poor sick
granny" for your own
vacation time, you're set. Usually an
employer won't want to
insult you or set you off by asking for
proof, and it's
perfectly normal to be gone for up to a week taking care of your late grandmother across the country. Also, your employer or boss can't do much about this, as (s)he could get in serious trouble for pushing the matter and sending you off the deep end.
Should
proof be
required and your
job threatened, however, you've got a few choices. First off, you could procure a
copy of a
death certificate for a
relative of yours, altering the name and date of death as to make it more
plausible. Second, depending on your
employer's policies, you might be able to threaten
charges of
harassment on the
matter, the major
downfall to this being if your employer decides to call your bluff, you're pretty much
done, seeing as the courts can procure the
REAL death certificate. This is why it's sometimes a better idea to go with...
Family Crisis:
The Family Crisis is a
timeless escape from
work and
school and can be pulled off anytime and for various
durations.
Modify the Death in the Family excuse and you get a week to take care of a
relative who may be passing at any
moment. Have a
friend call you up at work. Be
creative here. "John? Dude, I'm at
work... OH JESUS
FUCK NO! PLEASE NO! I... I... I'll be right there!" Just make sure to look
bewildered and urgent. Should your boss hold you back from this, you truly work for the world's biggest
asshole. It should also be noted that this works quite well on a
bad date also. The main advantage to this
technique is that it's great for an on a
whim need/want to leave work.
In General:
Just
watch out when you're using these
methods. They could get you into more trouble than it's really worth, and possibly some
legal trouble, so BE CAREFUL! And remember, if you REALLY want out, the best way to go is with a method I call the "
resignation..."
Other Stuff:
This is misc. stuff myself or friends have done or thought up that was entertaining or whatnot.
- As my VERY brief stint as a
telemarketer, I decided to see what I could get away with. Told my direct
supervisor I had a nasty case of "Retekramelet's Disease," He actually bought it, acted very
concerned, and wanted to know when I'd be expected
back to work.
- A friend of mine once was being quite vague, and just called in saying he had some "problems" preventing him from reaching his workplace. They were quite cooperative with him and
concerned about him when he got back to his place of employment. Well he had forgot that he had left
Die Hard playing in the background, and everyone knowing he lived in a shit part of town... :)
- A fun
variation on the Family Crisis is to toss in a
reference to some form of
pop culture. I've always wanted to see the reaction on someone's face when I pick up my cell phone, and answer, "yeah... uh huh... Timmy? The WELL?! What about La-... Shit. Be right there."
- I wonder if it'd be a
lawsuit if you accidentally got hit by a car in the parking lot if you claimed you were
distracted by work issues...
- Should you really want to
screw your
employer, especially in the food industry, get up and walk out in the middle of a busy time. See if you can get anyone else to do it and watch the higher-ups flip out as they're left to run the place on their own. That'll teach 'em to give such
shit pay!