when i was
five i was first
given information that
affected severely the rest of my life.
it was then i was told i was adopted.
i found this out, younger than i was meant to. my parents had every intention of telling me, but were going to wait, most likely, until i was seven or eight.
i found out sooner because i asked the wrong question. you see, my brother (also adopted, genetically unrelated) was born a week before the family next door had their second son.
being the observant, and deadly curious little girl i was, i came across this thing that puzzled me.
"mommy? how come mrs. (neighbor's name) got fat when SHE had a baby, but you didn't?"
they told me then, because they had no intention of lying to me about something that fundamental.
i didn't really understand what the implications were, for years.
i was literally in denial for years. texas places the *adoptive* parents names on birth certificates. i caught a snuck glance at mine. and saw my parents names. and convinced myself *i* was their biological daughter, but my brother really was adopted. but because they didn't want to make him feel bad they told us *both* we were. but they were going to tell me the truth that *i* was really theirs, when we were older and he didn't ever need to know.
i had no idea for years the impact this would have on my life and my personality. and i'm only now even beginning to start to see.
i know it's left me with insecurity beyond expression.
i know it's left me with the highly damaged ability to trust.
i know it gave me my fear of abandonment.
i know it's left a *lot* of residual anger in my system.
i know it's left me disillusioned with people.
i know it's left me damaged in many, many ways.
but i know also it's left me as i am. as me.
i recently found out the whole truth, or the bits of truth the state's red tape will actually allow me to have. i have all that is known, all they can give me. and i'm slowly adapting to that information i now know, that i did not a month previous.
and what happens now, remains to be seen. i don't *know* what comes of all this, yet. i'm still thinking, still deciding. time alone will tell. only the years themselves hold the answer now.
to my EVER so kind malicious softlinkers: fuck y'all. i've been writing this node in various forms for months. literally months. i'd have written almost the identical piece in any other location, and in fact planned to. but when i stumbled upon this node title, it *fit* so bloody well it made as much sense ot put it here as anywhere else. so please do us all a favor and if you've got a *problem* with what i say, tell me to my face, and give up your 'oooh look i can get away with being an ass because its anonymous' crap. thank you. that is all.