Around the time of the holidays, there are ads aplenty for snake oil products that apparently people actually buy. Some of them are year round, but they really come out at Christmas. These ads (on YouTube in particular) can be up to an hour long, considerately inserted into the middle of the four minute program you were watching. I don't know what it costs to run these ads, but I'm sure the sponsors aren't losing money doing so.
Regardless of the product, there is a group of pitch lines that all the ads draw from, intended to make the gullible reach for their phones and credit cards. The line will be repeated throughout the ad. Here are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.
· This product is not available in stores
Somehow this is supposed to make it sound special. In truth, most stores would be embarassed to have this stuff on their shelves where their customers can see it.
· We sell direct to you, so middlemen don't jack up prices
Yeah, we're all suckers for spending too much for amazing items in stores. Some vendors selling this stuff actually had the great idea of letting amazon.com deal with the selling and the shipping for them, but they're not the ones running these ads.
· Order now, stock is limited
Yes, unlike all those other products with infinite supply sitting in their warehouses.
· High school student makes physics-defying discovery
Yes, all those brainwashed scientists couldn't figure out how to make this breakthrough heater that heats a room by twenty degrees in three minutes, using just five watts. But our genius kid did.
Of course, amazing discoveries that mainstream science knows nothing about are a staple here.
· This product has been banned by all the big chains
Banned how, exactly? Banned from their inventory by a reasonable middle manager who knows better than to carry it.
· Chain stores hate this, but they can't do anything about it
Yes, they keep trying to get the police to stop us, but they just can't.
· Order now while it's still legal
I guess this is aimed at people who think government bureaucrats are on the lookout for products that might be "too good" for the common folk and will "shut it down".
· The Product Safety Committee will consider this too advanced for civilians
This one is new to me for 2024. The what? Scary.
· The normal retail price is $89.99, but this special offer is just $39.99
Not that this product has any normal retail price, nor has it ever sold for any other price.
· Call now! When stock runs out, this offer will expire and you'll have to pay full price.
Sometimes followed by "If you see this offer on our website, it means we still have some". Of course, the offer is always on the website. (Until the website (and the sponsor) goes away.)
All of those can apply to any product, but doctors pushing medicines or nutritional supplements have more that they use.
· Secret ancient recipe that I've discovered
This is similar to the genius high schooler. Yes, people in far off lands have been keeping this secret, but after years of research I was able to uncover it.
· Your doctor doesn't know about this
Of course, there is much that your doctor doesn't know, but this is just a variation on this doctor being so brilliant to have found the secret to long life, clear skin, and three hour erections.
· Of course, there's the special $39.99 price, but if you buy three bottles of my potion, they're just $34.99 each
'nuff said
· Money back if not satisfied
Use it for 90 days. If you don't agree that you have more energy, lost twelve pounds, and your spouse just won't leave you alone, send it back — or just the empty bottles — and we'll refund your entire purchase.
Of course, they know that maybe one person in a thousand will do so, if they even remember.
· My Miracle Mixture Makes Microbes' Mitochondria Merry
And of course, they have to sound all science-y.
Please don't fall for these things, and have a happy holiday season.