I miss many things, having endeavours, having stupid fights and dances. I watch the sky, moon everyday and I seek your face, your habits, your traits in them. I seek and search and look for you in many things in my life, in my surroundings. Even though I’m one of the laziest person when it comes to relationships, connections..I just don’t chase or pursue people. Because people are just people. You’re people, I’m people. We’re just someone else for each other. Someone else, in somewhere, in some timeline, in some reality, emerged with some problems, same problems?, different problems,?.It’s not like too much thought to be given, consumed, energised, vibrated around things. It’s just words and fire of emotions that take one from A to B without notice, notification.
“If you don’t catch me now I can't stop falling down..I miss you..”
Most of the time, I feel like..I’m losing my words, not just forgetting like detaching from them, I feel like I’m becoming two completely different people inside; one is self-critique and other is critique of myself, inside of me there is too much harshness, loneliness, fight, freedom and fluctuations, non-linear understanding, up and downs like a roller coaster. I just wanna be myself, comfortable with myself and everything I have. I just wanna look at the sky and see something that makes more sense than my own reality, my own existence, beyond reasons and results, beyond today and tomorrow, beyond Newtonian cause and effect. Everything my soul seek is not in this world anymore, everything it seeks is belong to some place that’s not on earth, not touchable, not seeable, not hearable, not sensible. It’s a sensational feeling of something, something that’s extremely precious, something that gave too much freedom and joy to my life once upon a time. When I start to write my words, when I try to create a voice of my own, of my own inner wisdom and layers, my cheeks and throat start to hurt, pain comes through from my veins down to up, right to left. Forces to me not breath, I can’t breathe most of the times. I can’t breathe in a way that I used to breathe. There a lot of boxes, pandoras to open, to solve but I’m all alone in darkness with my bright and shines that can’t even make an effect on. I see things no one can see, I see colour of people, I see faces of people, I see deep roots of them in their eyes, iris. Dark circled souls, crying in pain while sleeping, while to be seen, while seeking for validation and acceptance, while doing all the earthly things, obsessed with world and its own agenda.
Nobody sees the true colour of sky, sky that we see with our eyes is blue, like ocean but ocean is water, water is not blue. True colour of things hidden for one to see, for one to feel. You can feel colours of my own and I do feel your colour. And I know many things will change from today onward, today is one those days; I’m internally evolving something deeper, something hermit, something that carry its own house around the world. And there is a world to see, looking after for hidden to uncover. In the breeze moment of wind, I feel every sense of touch, of my hair movement, of my organ movement, of my own breath movement. In every pace, slow or fast, I feel every indentation..
“Do you ever ask yourself, there are heavens in the sky,
Do we live under the same sun?
Do we walk under the same moon?
Sometimes I think I’m going mad.”
Are you?
Are you in touch with your darkness? With all your dark fantasies, shadow and your past and your today, and your tomorrow? What are you in touch with? Are you comfortable in your own body? Are you in touch with all your secrets and lies that you tell, that you told before, and you are planning to tell? Do you have a “why”? do you have anything that’s belong to you, only you and yours? Who are you in your darkness? Where are you? What time are you? Which place are you?
I’m a person of questions, I’m a person of analytics and numbers and emotions and thoughts, ridiculous number of things..hard to digest, hard to process inside and outside. Are you ready for a ride? Are you ready for this journey to roll? There is a door nob for you to hold on, you can as long as and as much as you want. Door is linked you, you can leave whenever you want, wherever you want, as whoever you want. I’m the person who is never gonna insist you to do things, to please you, to uncover you, to change you. I’m just who I simply am, nothing more. Nothing to gain and nothing to lose.
Are you ready to gamble with me?
30th April 2025, 11:25 am