Concerned Citizens United for National Terra-friendly Energy Sources - official press release
Dateline: June 11, 2009
FOR IMMEDIATE DISSEMINATION
Dear Madame Speaker,
You will no doubt be aware of the amendments proposed by Messrs Waxman and Markey to the American Clean Energy and Security Act to bring the United States into a modicum of sustainability and ecologicality while, at the same time, securing the nation's energy policy for the trying economic times ahead. While their aims are laudable, I, and indeed, the entire membership of Concerned Citizens United for National Terra-friendly Energy Sources feel that this does not go far enough in developing the renewable, sustainable sources of energy that the US already has unprecedented access to, and in particular, that it overlooks the environmental movement as a solution to their own problems, so to speak.
You may or may not be aware that, since 2004, the United States have been awash with celebrity activists, environmental lawyers, and miscellaneous windbags who spend their time demanding Governmental action on climate change yet, when asked what they are proposing, fall silent, or merely mouth platitudes about sustainability and how Big Oil is akin to the Antichrist. CCUNTES has calculated that all this pontification, awareness-raising, and similar produces over 9,000 tonnes of hot air every week. This is enough hot air to, given current technologies, power a medium-sized metropolis, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, even if less than 10% of this were to be harnessed. That could keep the lights on in DC all year round and save a significant amount of carbon dioxide, and in turn, the planet.
We also are aware, though, that both main parties in the US are compromised by a powerful cabal of vested interests, and have both proven themselves to, in the past, become inexcusably tainted by eco-sin. It is this that may block the passage of any, or all, of this Bill. We therefore call for the creation of a new political party that is not so run through with heresy, from which we can move forward with a consensus that will usher the US into an era of environmental responsibility. Ideally this must take place before this Bill goes through. This Party will also have, as part of its manifesto, the abolition of all term limits. It is regrettably the case that we are at war with the climate and as such the gross environmental irresponsibility of holding elections (CCUNTES has calculated that the carbon footprint of the 2008 presidential election was equal to that of deliberately flying up to the Arctic and back and punching 97,500 polar bear cubs in the face, five times a day, every day for a month) should be suspended until all this blows over. As such, certain other Constitutional rights and guarantees may have to be suspended until further notice.
With this in mind, CCUNTES propose the following be catered for in this Bill:
- All celebrity activists, officers of green charities, environmental volunteers, etc. are to be made to contribute 15% of their gassing to the Federal government each week. We envisage a network of specially-built turbine halls in which these tiresome individuals are sat in rows and made to flail the bladder about their ill-informed views on the environment for a full eight-hour shift. These "talking shops" will be equipped with special filters in the roofs that can harness all this hot air and convert it into electrical power, which can be sold to the consumer at prices that are competitive with even the most energy-efficient coal and oil fired plants.
- A new, ecological, sustainable political party is to be formed with the express intent of becoming the ruling party in both houses of Congress and in the executive branch.
- Anyone who has ever held stock in an oil or coal company will be publicly flogged with an eco-whip made of sustainable hemp. Anyone who has ever been an executive in such a company will be subjected to a special Environmental Tribunal, a climate Nuremberg if you will, and summarily executed.
- Hard labour to be reinstituted in the nation's prisons, to wit, in the form of treadle pumps wired up to dynamos.
- Anyone caught pontificating about the environment before getting onto a Gulfstream jet will be sentenced to ten to fifteen years hard labour.
- Anyone caught criticising, opposing publicly, or being skeptical about the science with regard to global warming will be sentenced to five to ten years' hard labour.
- Anyone caught doing the above in the presence of children will suffer the similar punishment, plus castration. A message should be sent that allowing children access to a dissenting view is tantamount to child abuse and should be punished likewise.
- A programme will be put in place by which children can gain consumer electronics and college scholarships by informing on anyone committing any of the above acts of treason.
- Any former President living in the region of Crawford, Texas is to be publicly executed in a manner yet to be decided but which will be both bloodthirsty and sustainable, perhaps being torn apart by four Toyota Priuses or something like that, I don't know.
- Actually, we might as well just expel Texas from the Union wholesale, they're all incorrigible Republican rednecks down there, waste of time trying to bring them round.
- And finally, vandalism of a wind farm or solar array is to be deemed an act of war by that person against the United States and thus treason.
I trust that you and the rest of the House will see the need for these measures which, although they may appear harsh, are perfectly justifiable in the light of the current environmental crises.
Now where's my Nobel Prize, bitch?
Yours in Gaia,
- The Right Honourable Jon T. Hazelnut, Order of Monbiot (First Class), Légion d'Écologie, Director of CCUNTES.
(Anyone who finds this writeup offensive is resoundingly uncool.)
(References to serious green activists who have endorsed quite some of these positions I have set out are available on request.)