new life trajectory
In two days I am going to start taking a very intense computer programming class, specifically in the IBM-i operating system and the Report Prompt Generator programming language. The textbook is much thicker and more dense than my old uni textbooks, and the class is half the length of a university semester. I had a meeting with the guy that runs the school and he said each class tries to cover two university semesters worth of content. The IBM-i class is 8 weeks and the RPG class is 10 weeks. The textbook, it is very thick, and very dense. It wastes no time. So it is twice as much ground covered in half the number of weeks. I am extremely nervous about this class. I'm worried I won't be able to keep up and I'll fall behind.
I am in my mid 20s and I have no marketable skills. My father is financing these classes. He is paying $5000 out of pocket. Enrolling in them was his idea, I didn't know about any of this until he told me he wanted to get me through this program. He told me that if I get certified by this program and I'm able to comfortably program in this language, he will pull some strings and get me a programming job at the company he works at. His job is to boss around programmers all day. I feel kind of guilty, because I'll have a leg up on people that do not have an inside connection. But I need to work, I need to start saving money, right now I'm only getting $600 a month of disability income, which is just barely enough to pay all my goddamn bills because I see doctors for my various disorders.
In one week I went from having zero ideas for future employment, to (in theory) being thoroughly trained in a marketable skill, with (in theory) a job lined up.
I'm scared I'll mess this up. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and my future depends on it. What if I fall behind and can't pass the class, waste all his money, make a fool of myself. Or what if I do succeed, get a job as a programmer, and then somehow mess something up and break something and ruin everything for everyone. Or maybe I'll work for a while and find out that I absolutely hate it, and he will have spent all this money on me for nothing and I'll be back to square one. I need to take this as seriously as possible.
I find that I can only be motivated to do one specific thing at any time. One thing will occupy all my thoughts and everything else gets pushed to the fringes. Last year it was working on my high fantasy project; it consumed me. For a couple of months it was learning latin, and I was a model student for those months. For a while it was the piano. I need to get obsessed with this programming class, and with learning to program. I need it to consume me, it's the only way I'll be motivated to work on it.
miscellany
In other news, I just bought a computer keyboard I have wanted for years. The IBM Model M keyboard. This keyboard came to my awareness when Wertperch glowingly recommended it to me a couple of years ago and the writeups on this website seem to affirm his attitude; people say it is the best keyboard ever designed. One noder says "When I die, my IBM clicky keyboard will be willed to one of my children." Another noder says "I will die slumped over this keyboard. I wish it to be buried alongside myself." It is supposed to arrive by the 23rd. My birthday is on the 21st of this month so I'm calling it a gift to myself. I'm just worried that it won't last very long before breaking -- after all, it is 37 years old. I spent $90 on this thing so it better work.
The keyboard also seems appropriate. I am going to learn an IBM programming language from the 80s. The keyboard fits the task. No Windows key though. I don't know if that's going to be a problem for me. I use the windows key constantly. But I can probably remap some other key, maybe one of the function keys. Time shall tell.
Writeups of these technology things to come.
I could write about my creative projects here because they have been eating up a LOT of my time. I spend most of my time writing when I'm not messing around with other things. But the thought of talking about them here somewhat nauseates me. I don't know why. I think I'm starting to burn out from pushing myself so hard. This project is the thing that I've constructed my self-worth around, it gives me a sense of "meaning" and without it I feel aimless. But it's fine. I'll get over it.
I drank alcohol yesterday for the first time in years. A canned peach tea. I don't really know why I bought the drink but it didn't taste very good either, way too sweet. It'll probably be the last time I drink this year. Not for any particular reason. I just don't really enjoy alcohol like I used to. Which is probably a good thing.
If I'm being honest I have no idea why I'm writing this daylog. I guess I have an impulse to write about my life somewhere, so that I can come back in a couple of years and read it, and I can never keep the momentum for private journaling.