April 23, 2002

For You Know Who,

I hope you have found what you are looking for.

Today, a return to Everything2, in desperation.

A pile of work, a long list of tasks to complete, a letter saying "As yet, we have not received your form." Personal achievements to be accomplished.

This is the daunting hurdle, steep climb and precipitous cliff that faces me this day. I'm weary I tell myself. Does sleep count? For lack of sleep I have plenty. 1am a child's crying comforted. 4am, a cat cries wickedly from the balcony, the child awakes at the sound again to be comforted. At 5am, crying again, comforted. It is 6am, and we joyfully greet the day along with the crying child, vainly struggling to assemble clothes, and breakfast. Along the journey the child struggles against fatigue, and cries some more. I reach behind my seat holding sultanas out as solace, my arm twisted backwards, half an eye glancing on the road before me.

At my desk, I long for those close to my heart, to hold and cherish them. What comfort do I have? The list of ten tasks I drew up yesterday has had only two items drawn through. I remind myself of the scale of things, but my confidence is undermined.

"It is now a matter of urgency that you complete the form and return it by post as soon as possible."

See also Bubble Cup.

Took a trip to the states this weekend, to clear my head.

It was good to get out of the city. Watching the world go by in a car window, meeting new people, being able to spend a few days without worrying about job, house, money, or girl stresses was good. Very good.

I'm thinking about moving to Kitchener for a while, to take some time to chill out. Jessica and I aren't together anymore, and I don't want to live in Toronto if I'm not living with her. She's the reason I came here, and I don't want to stay here, alone. Maybe come September, October, I might move back, but for now...

I need to figure out who I am, really. I'd like to go there for a while, get my own place (my own place!), and just work for a bit, try and remember what it is that I like to do. Geek out a bit, DJ a bit, read a bit. Keep to myself for a bit.

It might be good for me. I'm not sure.

...

The hardest part about this breakup is the fact that I would still drop everything for her, in a heartbeat. Even with the problems we've had, I'd do it all again for her, in a moment, if she asked.

The hard bit is that she won't. She doesn't want this relationship.

Something interesting (or so I think) happened to me today. Someone shot something at me--either a bb or a bullet, not sure which. Perhaps more than one of whatever it was. I was walking towards my bus stop from a previous bus I had taken, and I heard a few sounds, kinda like a bb gun, but louder, from nowhere I could really tell. Looked around, didn't see anything I could identify as making the sound, walked to my bus stop, and waited. Heard the sound again (paired with the sound of cracking glass,) noticed the glass near me in the bus stop at about head level had just cracked a bunch, started walking to a different bus stop. It disturbed me a bit to know that someone would be shooting at me, and to think that there was a greater chance of my life ending at that time, but I remained pretty calm as I walked away. I'm really not sure what the deal was at the time, but a police car shortly drove through the area (perhaps the police presence saved my butt, don't know,) presumably just patrolling (the car didn't do much but pass by.) I suppose I could have handled the situation better (running may have been a better idea,) but there was a lot of traffic in my way at the time. I don't know what to say, or even to think about the situation. Guess I'm lucky to still be around. That particular situation did reveal to me, though, that I am not completely neutral on all things...apparently I have something against dying. I mean, I knew I'd try to avoid dying, because I have no clue what happens after death and I like to avoid things that aren't fun, but I didn't know I'd have any emotional involvement (after all, I don't know anything about death. It might be fun.) Not that its been bugging me horribly, but the whole thing's been weirding me out. I don't understand just what would make a person want to shoot me, even with a bb. I didn't think I bugged anybody all that much, and I never did understand what would drive a person to shoot someone they did not have something against. Perhaps this is a lacking in my own understanding. To think that someone might end my life without first establishing at least to themselves that it would improve things in some way bugs me. Something about it makes me a little sick, too, but I'm not yet sure what. I'm going to take a different bus route to/from school. Maybe me not being around there will help whoever it was. I'm pretty sure not being shot at will be good for me.

Its stuff like this that makes me want to appreciate the world (and people) around me as well as I can for the time I've got. Someday someone might get the jump on me, and they might just aim well enough. That gives me the shivers, possibly because I've been pampered most of my life, not sure.

Gah.. Perhaps a good day perhaps not. Of course, it's not over yet, but the portion of any significant importance to the outsiders of my life. That's over.

Well. I woke quite the contrary to a bushy tailed bright-eyed squirrel. Well. Maybe bushy headed. I've acquired a nice growth of sleek black hair. I like my hair. I usually get it cut twice a year, but no. This time, I’m 18. I wont cut my hair. Why should I cut my hair? Why I ask. Well. Rhetorical questions.. .. Nah. Cutting hair is a waste of my time. Maybe like Wang lung, i could sell my hair, but I think I’m not living in china on it's advent of an industrial revolution. Life is Grand. Well, Anyway. I woke up all groggy and brain-dead, flatlined, shuffled off to the dark kitchen, only to find out that indeed, there was no milk, no cereal, But w00t. YEAH! There was ONE, mark that, ONE, package of pop-tarts left in the box. No single human could understand the enlightenment I attained from that. I hurriedly ripped open the bag. Well. Actually, following a zombie's view of the world. I just opened the bag.. it ripped, like they always do, But also following a zombie's thought pattern, i failed to open the package over a plate. Unless a trashcan is a plate. Needless to say, they both fell into a foul pit of death and destruction, wait, a glowing happy pit sugar spice and everything nice. My poor breakfast. I rounded off that nice morning as happily as a wraith of hell might do so. With a Glass of milk.

Following that morning, i arrived at school by way of my father's carriage. I arrived 5 minutes late. Fortunately my first period teacher was still in the process of checking off the attendance, and i got off free. The classes went my slowly. I just sat there, in those classes, trying to find a way to pass time effectively, to have 'fun'. Well, I suppose what i did was fun, but it's also a bit, how should I say this, confounding. I thought of my lovely girlfriend. Of her deep eyes, and mischievous smile. I still get that warm and fuzzy feeling When such an action is followed through fully. Ahh. The comfort. The day passed. Things I’m just too lazy to type. My fingers are tired. Well, the day passes, and now I’m in the school library. I’m a senior this year.. I was last year too. Unfortunately, the fat slovenly counselors that wield the powers of schedule regulation put me in a class that they left me out of my previous year. Health. Oh how O loathe that class. It is the perfect class to ignore. I've yet to crack open the book at home, or to even study, and I still hold an A. .. Thinking. Now i remember. Since that health class is a junior class, and today is the college day for the juniors, i decided that I'd just skip.. I’m a nice child at heart, a follower, a quiet individual. People see me that way at least. They don’t understand the rife in my heart, the pain. But alas. I still ask people for help, I still act courteous because it is probably the most intelligent way to progress in this miserable society. So i asked my teacher for a pass to the library. I got one. And now. Here I am, typing my life away, shriveling down at the mercy of the glowing box that I’m situated in front of. The day following this no doubt will be miserable. The only thing ill ever look forward to in life it seems, is entertaining my notions of self-enlightenment, or showing homage to the one I love so much.

Well today I discovered what a gullible fool I am. Today as I was chatting, I was talking to a new acquaintance of mine. She let it slip that she was using me to relieve herself of boredom. Well I laugh at this, because I was bored out of my mind as well. Well as I mention that this was my first time “being used”, to my best friend, she says, that actually she used me first. Well I could not divulge how she used me, I did find out that it was during the period that she liked Harry Potter, and that I got her the books, as Christmas presents. Immediately she apologized, and since I always try my best to forgive and forget, I immediately did.

After going offline, and thinking what just happened over and over, I became very enraged at her. It was an emotion where you don’t let out anything, but stays within you. I believe I became far too calm about this too quickly. I am still letting this anger seethe inside of me, but I am writing this node to let it out. I remember that she told me that she used all guys that liked her. Yes I did have a crush on her, but not any more, she is just my platonic best friend. My mind, did not take it kindly knowing that it was used by her. My respect for her now was at an all time low.

Now I feel terrible for feeling this way. I have never in my life ever been so caustic about anything. I find myself wondering if that she is now using me to see Star Wars Episode 2, or actually to see the movie with me. Is this feeling good for me, because I don’t think so, and I know I should harbor no ill will towards her, for doing what she always has done with any guy that liked her. I cannot expect people to follow my morals no matter what, because other people’s morals are completely different. I know that by tomorrow morning, I will have forgiven her, and forget this incident ever happened. The only thing that I will happen after this is that I shall now become more wary of all women now, even though I know most do not deserve my wariness.