Detection
Place: A neutrino detector just outside the universe
Time: Forever and ever... amen
Characters: Two monitors
(Two people dressed in lab coats stand on opposite sides of a swimming pool. They stare at the water through long tubes. After an interminable moment, one of them calls to the other:)
MONITOR 1:
There!
MONITOR 2: What?
1: There. Right there.
2: No.
1: No, yes: there.
2: Where?
1: Right there.
2: No.
1: I’m telling you.
2: No.
1: I’m telling you.
2: I’m telling you no.
1: I’m telling you; you’re telling me no?
2: Yes.
1: You’re wrong.
2: Let me ask you something.... Can I ask you something?
1: Be my guest.
2: How long have we been here?
1: A while.
2: How long?
1: Years.
2: Years?
1: Some years, yes.
2: How many?
1: Quite a few.
2: Quite... a few?
1: Lots.
2: How many?
1: Trillions.
2: Trillions?
1: All right, fine: forever.
2: Forever?
1: And ever.
2: Okay.
1: Amen.
2: And you’re telling me in all those forever and ever amen years just now there’s a there?
1: There! Yes.
2: No.
1: Unbelievable.
2: What are the odds?
1: The odds?
2: What exactly, statistically speaking, is the likelihood of something being there, right now at this one moment.
1: Uh... I don’t know. Trillions to one?
2: Exactly.
1: Exactly!
2: No.
1: Yes.
2: There was no there there.
1: There was so.
2: I’m sorry.
1: What are we here for?
2: We’re here to wait.
1: And what?
2: We wait and see.
1: And?
2: We wait and see if there’s something there.
1: And?
2: And if there’s something there, we give a holler.
1: There was something there.
2: No.
1: Yes.
2: Where?
1: There.
2: I’m not buying it.
1: I saw it.
2: What are the odds?
1: I’m going in.
2: You’re not going in.
1: I’m going in.
(Monitor 1 begins taking his/her lab coat and other clothes off.)
2: You can’t go in.
1: I’m go--
(Underneath all the clothes she/he discovers a swimsuit.)
2: What is that?
1: Uhhhh. Some sort of... suit.
2: For what?
1: For going in, I guess.
2: Why do you have it on?
1: I don’t know. I think I’ve always had it on.
Maybe you have one, too.
(Monitor 1 reaches for Monitor 2’s buttons.)
2: Don’t you dare!
1: Fine. Sorry.
2: It was never part of our job description to go in. We wait. We wait and see. We wait and see if there’s something.
1: There’s something there.
2: No.
1: Yes.
2: When?
1: Just a moment ago.
2: How many times?
1: Just once.
2: So maybe an error.
1: There are no errors.
2: Please.
1: Ever.
2: Please, please, please.
1: I’m going in.
2: Please.
1: See ya around.
(Monitor One dives into the water and disappears. Monitor 2 immediately calls out in a formal alarm-sounding voice:)
2: Mayday. Mayday. Neutrino. Neutrino! We have a neutrino in the universe! Neutrino!... Neutrino!... NEUTRINO! NEEEEWWWWWWTREEEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!...
HELLO! Is anybody listening?! Shit, what are we here for?
NEEEEWWWWWWTREEEEEEEEENOOOOOOOOWHOAHWHOAHWHOAH!!!!...
(Monitor One surfaces with a gasp.)
2: Oh, thank god.
1: Three quarks for Muster Mark!
2: What?
1: Proton electron hydrogen. proton proton neutron neutron electron electron electron electron.
2: Hold on.
1: Helium fusion lithium carbon oxygen molecules amines bacteria paramecia colonies invertebrates vertebrates primates prima noctae legislation Louie Prima
2: You’ve gone insane. There’s nothing in there.
1: There’s nothing but everything in there. It’s crammed full of not nothing. You couldn’t fit nothing in there if you tried. Not one iota.
2: Get out.
1: Get in.
2: One of us has to maintain.
1: Both of us have to see.
2: You’re insane.
1: Be with me.
2: Not a chance.
1: You won’t be with me?
2: No way.... I’m sorry.
1: Yeah.... All right. Help me out.
(Monitor 1 reaches up and Monitor 2 reaches down to help him/her out. As soon as Monitor 1 grabs 2’s hand, she/he pulls her/him in. Then they both disappear under the surface.
After a long moment they both resurface, gasping.)
2: That was--
1: Yes?!
2: That was...
1: Yes, that was what?
2: That was...
1: Did you see?
2: That was a...
1: Tell me.
2: Really cheap trick you pulled!
1: You’re kidding.
2: How could you?
1: How could I? How could you ask how could I? Didn’t you--
2: How could you? I wasn’t prepared.
1: No one’s ever prepared.
2: I don’t even know if I have a suit for going in on.
1: You wanna check?
(Monitor 1 swims over and grabs at 2’s buttons.)
2: GET AWAY FROM ME!
1: All right. Fine. Sorry.
2: How could you?
1: Didn’t you...
2: Didn’t I what?
1: See anything?
2: I saw... I saw...
1: What?
2: Something.
1: Yes.
2: Something... I don’t. I don’t think I was prepared. I’m not sure what I saw.
1: But you saw something.
2: Maybe.
1: Neutrino?
2: Maybe.
1: Louie Prima?
2: I’m not sure.
1: But something.
2: How can I be sure?
1: Just be. Just be sure.
2: How can I?
1: Does it matter?
2: Of course it matters. It’s our job to see things.
1: That’s right. It’s our job.
2: Or not. If we don’t.
(Monitor 2 awkwardly climbs out of the pool.)
2: If there’s something there, we give a holler.
1: Exactly.
2: And if there’s not, we don’t.
1: Right.
2: And that’s all there is.
1: If you say so.
2: We were never told to go in.
1: We were never told not to.
2: Now see?
1: What?
2: How is that the point? We were never told not to do anything.
1: What?
2: Nevermind.
1: Okay.
2: And don’t ever do that again?
1: What?
2: Pull me in like that.
1: Okay.
2: Ever.
1: Okay.
2: And ever.
1: Amen. Okay.
Help me out?
(Monitor 1 reaches up. Monitor 2 hesitates. Monitor 1 smiles. Suspiciously, 2 pulls 1 from the pool. Once out, 1 kisses 2, and begins taking off the lab coat and clothes. Slowly, sensually, they both fall back into the pool.
End of play.)