A node in my continuing line of Weapon of Choice nodes.
A while ago, I had a
conversation with my friend Kimmy (
random name to
protect identity) on
ICQ.
It started out as a "Hi, what's up?"
small talk like all conversations start off, but it got to the point pretty quickly. Kimmy had just been
dumped by her
boyfriend Joey (more random names!). Kimmy was pretty
obsessed with Joey at the time, and she probably felt
horrible. She told me that Joey had dumped her because she wasn't exactly "
swimsuit model material". (Joey says what he thinks. So he's
truthful I guess. A
truthful pervert. But he's pretty
funny at times.)
The problem is that I'm
friends with both Kimmy
and Joey, and I don't want to take sides on the whole thing. So when Kimmy asked me to
confront Joey about it, I decided to use
humor to get out of the
situation, and to hopefully make Kimmy feel a bit better. This is what my
brain came up with:
Kimmy: Be mean to Joey next time you see him.
Me: Well... okay. Tell you what. I'll
attack him for you.
Kimmy: Um.... Really...?
Me: Yeah, with a
frozen fish. I'll come up behind him and club him over the head. Then I'll spear him through the middle with it.
Kimmy: With a frozen fish???
Me: Yeah! Why not?
Kimmy: You would do that? You're such a nice person!
Then I thought about it. Why not? If you worked at the
seafood section of a
super market, and someone attacked you... why not? Just grab the largest frozen fish you can lay your hands on and wack the attacker over the head. Granted you need to pick the right fish, so here are some helpful hints:
1. Make sure the fish is frozen.If it's not frozen, it might still be
alive. A
live fish probably won't be able to
knock someone out in one
blow. Same thing goes for a
thawed fish, but thawed fish tend to be a bit
slimey and could easily
slip out of your hands. The
stiffer it is, the less it will give at the
impact point, and the more
hit points of
damage you will do.
2. Make sure the fish is pretty long.The longer the better. The longer the fish, the greator the
speed at which it will hit the intended
target. (Think of a
baseball bat compared to a wooden
pencil) Since Energy = .5 * Mass * Velocity^2, Greator
velocity has 4 times the effect on impact
force.So more speed means more
whallop for your fish. (Exception: A short fish, one you can fit in one hand may be able to be used as a one handed piercing type
weapon. Similar to a short dagger in
Everquest. Or if it's a spear fish, treat it as a two handed piercing type weapon.)
3. Make sure the fish is pretty hefty.This is similar to tip #2. The more
mass a fish has, the higher the impact force, the greator
subdual damage points you can do. This isn't as important as #2 since velocity effects the impact energy 4 times more than this, but mass still helps. You also want to make sure your fish does not break in half when you
strike your
opponent. You want the blow to move
through his/her head, not break when it hits his/her head.
4. Make sure the fish is not a trout.Nobody deserves to be
trout slapped. That's just plain
annoying.
If you are able to see the attacker in time to prepare your
offense, you might also consider finding a toothy fish and ripping out it's lower jaw. When you
swing, try to aim the top row of teeth at your attacker's
eye. It's quite
effective if pulled off
correctly.
This has been idea number #465 in Kefabi's upcoming book, "What to do if you're attacked at the Seafood Section of a Super Market". Make sure to
order your
copy today!
This is a true story. The conversations were paraphrased, and names were changed, but other than that, 100% true baby!