I booked a one-night stay at a hostel in the city I moved away from. Check-in time is 15:00 on Monday. I need to get away from here. I need to stop obsessing over someone else's problem and focus on my own shit. I've been too scared to go back. I have unfinished business that I need to deal with, and I can't put it off any longer. I need to remind myself that I didn't run away. I left because I had to, and even though my final memories of the city were painful, that doesn't mean that I should just avoid the place forever.
Here at home, I'm struggling to accept that the man I fell really hard for is not a good dating prospect after all. Best case scenario, he is really naive, or possibly just doesn't know how to set boundaries with people. At worst, he is a creepy older guy at work who likes to hang out with teenage girls.
A teenager who worked with us in the summer is still in touch with him. She obviously had a crush on him. He was the one who asked for her number. They have been talking outside of work, long distance, for the past two months. He didn't hide any of this from me. It has made me feel extremely uneasy. I didn't know whether I should say anything or not, or how I should even say it. So I said nothing and hoped that nothing would end up happening.
That was a mistake. Today I saw the two of them in the break area outside. She was back in town visiting. He had left work earlier, but then driven back specifically to see her. They went inside to say hi to people, and then I don't know where they went after that. She's 18, he's 49. Why? Why is he doing this? Even if nothing happens, this is still a terrible idea. I should have told him how creepy he was acting. That's what I'm really upset about, is the fact that I didn't speak up. I've always had trouble doing that.
Tomorrow I'll have to say something. We're close enough now that I think I can get away with it. I'll ask him if he's aware that this 18-year-old girl has a crush on him. Depending on how he responds to that, I'll have to ask him if he knows how bad this makes him look. Worst case scenario, I'll tell him I don't want to hear about it because it makes me feel extremely uncomfortable. Then I'll cancel the optional work trip that we had just planned together. I was really excited about it. He's been asking me all summer to go with him. It's slow enough now that I can go, but now he's making me second guess my feelings for him.
While planning my trip for Monday, I found out that my favourite yoga studio has permanently closed. So has the cat cafe that I wanted to visit but never went to. However, a couple of other places on my wish list still exist, so I'll be going there. I'm not telling very many people about my trip until after I get back. I'm too nervous.
I hope that my trip will allow me to get some closure. I've been having trouble remembering certain things. I can't write about certain things. That's why I felt drawn to this guy — he's making a real effort to do something with his music. I can't seem to do that with my own talents. I think I just need a friend who gets that about me. I thought maybe he could be that person, but it looks like I was wrong.
Anyway, I'm just babbling on the internet because it's too cold and rainy for me to burn off my stress with a run, plus my back hurts even though I did an epsom salts bath already. I just want to curl up and maybe cry a bit and go to sleep. I'm hormonal this week and that doesn't help.
My other update is that I have started to see a therapist. She has agreed to help me get an adult assessment for autism. I just want to know. Also, my workplace has given me a raise. They are very happy with my performance. So that's another reason for me to not get involved with this guy at work. I don't need to add more drama to my life. I only just got things back to mostly normal this year. The one thing I still need to do is get a more balanced life. I've been having trouble finding the time or energy to do workouts or spend time on creative projects. And I still can't bring myself to use the dating apps. Anyway that's all for now, thanks for reading.