September 28, 2000

Cars.

Why do cars always have to have strange names? I was on my way home today during fourth hour to pick up some forgotten homework, and I was behind a Kia Sephia with a lawnmower hanging out of its trunk. On the way to work I saw two men standing in the middle of the intersection of James and US31, car doors wide open and definitely shouting profanities. Neither car seemed to be damaged though, seeing as how both were enormous SUVs. On the way home from work, I was behind another SUV type car truck thing, but the license plate said “JELLY.” Nothing more. Nothing less. Just jelly. Why? I don’t know. This car turned somewhere before Butternut, and I was left alone for a few moments. Of course I sped up to catch the cars I could see in the distance through the darkness. They were hard to catch – I had to reach speeds in excess of 80mph before even gaining slightly. This is hard to do right, since there are stop lights every three feet. But I got the timing down, yo.

When I finally did catch the car in front of me, I saw the reflective strip across the back all too late. It said ‘Sheriff Patrol’ in big black letters. I could just make out the siren light things on the roof. But the d00d was going just as fast as I was, and I wasn’t gonna slow down unless he did. So I sped home behind a cop, going 15 over the speed limit, and he never even noticed. Or at least he didn’t care. That made my day.

driving home from work today. windows down, cool air blowing my messy/curly hair around. the sun is shining on my face. rainer maria playing on the radio. i can't help but smile. and that's the surprising thing. i can't remember the last time i was able to just smile like that. to not smile just so people don't ask what's wrong. to not be hiding a frown behind that fake smile. to just smile because i feel so damn good. no, that's a lie. i do remember. March 17, 2000. the papas fritas show. i wonder what's with me lately? could it be...dare i say it? i'm getting happy again?

i'm starting to feel again. and i'm scared.

i'm scared because i remember. i remember why i stopped caring. i remember my life becoming a steady grey blur of empty lethargy. i remember when it was a struggle to do things of the utmost simplicity and routine. like eat. i remember, being already skinny, and losing 50 pounds in 2 months. i still haven't gotten them back. i remember how, for several months, i couldn't go one day without thinking of her and becoming so distraught i would actually vomit. i remember, back when still being friends meant actually trying to hang out together, she asked me to be her valentine and a week later, drinking heavily to stand being around her but not being with her, i say something i shouldn't, and she says "if we can't be friends just tell me" and that's the last contact i have with her for 4 months. i remember the first time i saw her kiss her new boyfriend. but most of all, i remember new years eve. 4am, my key snaps off in the deadbolt. i walk to her house, lights are still on, i knock, i ask for spot on her couch for the night. i'm turned away. i walk back home. i break out a window. i cut my hand badly on some glass. the sun is coming up by now. i'm surprised at how red the blood is. and how little it hurt. i remember how i looked at my wrists. i remember what it is to feel, and i'm scared.

rainer maria is still playing.

I'm certain if I drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess than you've made of me

More arrangements for move. I think I scheduled the cable TV changeover to miss the one show we had actually really wanted to see next week. Maybe my parents can tape it for us.

Slapped apache on a computer for the project at school; finally doing something for it.

A little packing, a little slacking... That's me for you. Mostly slacking.

first day on the job at the hospital. it's been 5 months and two resignations (refused) since i last saw their damn faces. and still i'm charged as only a loaded barrel could be. those damned faces. i'm meek as a mouse for 9 months and i don't get paid; now that i'm giving em the heat i get my salary? damn those faces. trouble-maker they want, trouble-maker they'll get. those damned faces. i was telling a brit friend about it and seeing the reaction on his face was enough to nudge me out of my complacency. 100 hour weeks i put in and thought i was doing it for the love of god, maybe expecting some appreciation, but no!. those damned faces. if there was one thing that it all boils down to ever since i graduated from that cursed college it would be this: exploitation. and they tell me to be patient, be patient, those damned faces. who gets all the heat? who stays up the whole night? who wants to at least keep a semblance of a conscience intact? is not sufficient how cheap we've come to value life? it all starts this way: you tolerate their abuse of your fundamental rights and the next minute you'll be abusing those who look to you to safeguard their own. those damned, damned, faces. i sell myself short and now i foot the balance. i'll be late today, i'll glare at their faces, i'll pore over every fault, i'll poke into every embarrassment, i'll rattle every screw-up, i will make them wish they had accepted my resignation and i'll throw it in their damned faces and be done with them forever.

---

Some Time in the Evening
A crossection of Egyptian bureaucracy: All I want is a simple piece of paper stating that I was present at work today. Three hours later and it's not done yet: no-one wants to shoulder the responsibility so they send me on a trip around all the major offices in the building. I could have guessed it would be akin to getting a signed confession from the boss that he's a pedophile or something. So I miss the appointment with my lawyer a second time, I get no work done, and the prospect that this will be repeated tomorrow drives me nuts.
I have my masters exams next week. I have no idea how I'll cope with that plus 24 hour shifts plus the bloody lawsuit. I tell you, every hour of every day I am more determined to leave this country and erase the memories of the 10 years i've spent here. what a waste.

---

Update: 25 Feb 2002.
Still trying to resign! Court hearing scheduled for 6 April. Little worried they may revoke my licence to practice (for skipping work!). Akh! They are in deep shit. Told my lawyer I want to sue the boss as soon as this trial is over, for not accepting my 10-odd resignation requests and wasting my bloody time!.

Day 3 of Beta Testing Shiny Entertainment's Sacrifice.

Initial Non-NDA-breaking commments:

HOLY CRAP!
This game is exactly what I expected it to be, incredible. Even though this is only a Beta (we're already in the first patch), it's a sleek, sexy gaming experience. The online multiplayer component is giving me grief (fodder for reports), but otherwise, the parts of the game I have been given seem complete to me. Now, granted, I have not played all the maps with all the characters with all the gods yet, but, of course, I will. :)

Wee.....wait...wasn't I supposed to read something for class today?

Autumnal Ghosts

Is it September already? I lose time in warm sweaters and falling leaves. Time creeps up on me. I spoke with my brother today. I didn't realize it was his son's birthday. Zavier was born the day before the anniversary of my mother's death. He died 6 days later: The day after my brother's birthday. I only got to see him once. His miniature hand held my finger. I touched his chest where all the wiring was wrong. His tiny coffin was laid to rest on top of my mother's. I fell to my knees over the earth that was dug up for him. It has been so long since I have been back there. The town I grew up in. Too many ghosts. If my car or my soul could make the journey, I would drive there now. Instead I write.

I try to pass this day off. Every year I think it will be fine. I think the tableaus won't haunt me. Invariably someone brings up cancer and I weep like a child in my cubicle as quietly as I can. I hold on to these dates like razor sharp mementos. They make me who I am. I reserve the right to mourn my loss. I try not to burden anyone with these memories too often, but the bite in Michigan's autumnal winds forces me to wax nostalgic. I do beg your pardon if I seem a little disconnected today. I revel in celebrating my loss. Anthony is still in hospital, so there is no one here to talk to. I shall find my empty bed soon in hopes to dream of one less vacant.

My sleeping patterns are changing.

Although I doubt the addictive nature of Everything really has anything to do with it, it does help to pass the time as I stay up late at night. It doesn't matter that I have to be at work by 8 in the morning. I still end up wide awake until at least 2 or 3 in the morning. My roommates probably think that I'm on speed.

I met an interesting character this past weekend while I was out with my two favorite fag hags, Kristina and Sammie. We had made our usual Friday night journey to Popstarz, a way cool club that plays eighties songs all night. While tripping the light fantastic together on the dance floor, I noticed an adorable boi dancing with friends near us. I of course got Kris and Sammie's attention and bit my fist in his direction, to which they both nodded their heads in agreement. I watched him for awhile, admiring the fact that he seemed to be having so much fun more than anything else. I didn't have the nerve to actually approach him though, I'm much to shy to do that. I wish I knew why.

Luckily for me, I didn't have to worry about it for very long, because one of his friends grabbed me and asked if I was single. When I said "yeah," he pulled me right up to said boy and said, "then dance with him!"

I can't say that has EVER happened to me before.

So we dance for a bit, and then he wanders off. I'm thinking to myself, "oh, go me." My ego bruised, I slink back over to my gal pals and continue to dance, but now, his friends are all right next to us, and they keep looking at me like I'm supposed to join them or something. So I do. The boy dances with me some more, and so do a few of his guy friends, and suddenly, I realize I've abandoned Sammie and Kris, but that's okay, right? Yeah, of course it is.

Boy heads over to the bar, and I finally decide to grow balls and walk over there too. I stand next to him, ask the bartender for some water, and feel very awkward for a good 15 seconds before finally telling him he's a good dancer. We actually start talking, and I find out he's from Philadelphia, and he's leaving Los Angeles in 2 months because he hates it. Since I have my own love-hate relationship with the city, I probe a little deeper and find what bothers him the most is the people, and how they're all so fake.

We ended up talking for almost an hour. We danced some more, then the club closed, and then we all went outside and we introduced our respective friends. We kept talking. He was cute, he actually had smart things to say, and I liked him. I guess he liked me too, because I left with a couple of kisses from him and his phone number. Ah, life was good.

Now, it would be kind of nice if he'd fucking call me back, I'd be happy. Are even the transplants to LA as hypocritical and false as the rest of the locals here? I really hope not. Christ, all I wanted to do was go out for coffee. I've given up on boys, remember? I just thought he'd make a nice friend. Oh well. His loss.

It's amazing. For the first time in months, I feel like myself. I'm in a good mood. Of course the reason is... short term, and probably more bad then good.
To start at the beginning.. Of course it's a guy. The totally wrong guy. I went to Phoenix to celebrate my grandparents 78th birthdays. Called him, figured it'd be nice to go do something, since I haven't been out much. We went out to dinner at Applebees, went and got a video, watched it... by that point it was 1am, and I just didn't feel like driving 2 hours home. He gave me a choice... sofa or bed. I knew exactally what choice I was making.. And I made it. We finally got up at 12:30 the next afternoon, went out for coffee, read the paper. Then we went window shopping.. it was almost funny, our tastes complimented eachother. Then.. off to Frys Electronics ;). I was good (and broke), bought a pack of gum. He bought a hard drive, a modem, and redhat 6.2 -- I finally talked him into the switch.
Then we just talked.. for hours. Did his and his daughter (yes.. she's 4)'s laundry. Discussed his divorce (it'll be final in a few weeks..). Discussed life in general. At that point, I was totally exausted, and yet again, not in any shape to make the drive home. So, we went to sleep.. (really went to sleep, sickos). Woke up early, he had to go to work, and drove home.
And now.. I simply don't know where to go. It's dumb, I know that. Intellectually, I know that it is what it is, we're friends, there's great sex, that's it. Emotionally, I find myself falling for him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Yet again, I find myself in a situation I didn't intend, with no way out but pain and more stupidity on my part.

Today is my girlfriends birthday. I'm poor and can't afford to get anything for her. She's wonderful, and I'm thinking that maybe I'm not really really really 100% happy with the relationship as it stands right now.

I'm tired right now. Still, I don't feel exhausted. I'm still reading Infinite Jest, Memoirs of a Beatnik, and writing a lot myself.

The question with the girlfriend is should I try and fix the relationship that we've had for nearly 6 years? She's, basically, my first girlfriend, but in my dealings with her, I find myself continually simply refering to her as friend.

Another woman told me I was a wonderful man today. She said, "I love you." I make her feel wonderful, I make her feel alive. My girlfriend says the same thing.

I hope I can come up with rent money.

No matter what happens, I just want to be sure I have some friends left after this.

Happy Birthday, Dad.

My girl called today. I called her back after I got the new number for her cellphone. Her ex-girlfriend had the long distance cut off today, and is, as we speak, moving her shit out of the apartment. Why is this happening?

Because I woke up one day a girlfriend stealer.

No, this isn't the reason. Her girlfriend had cheated on her, eight times to be exact, (my angel walked in on two of those times, the others were admitted) before she came back here to visit. She seduced me. Let me just tell you how gorgeous and intelligent she is.

My angel wants to be with me.

I'm freaked out. I like her, I was even crushing pretty hard there for a bit. She's older than me. She only likes other girls, so she has little patience with me. Because I like boys 75% of the time. And she knows I'm still in love with my geek.

I don't know if this is a step I want to take. I have dated girls before, but I know it'll be all or nothing with her, and I will not make a promise I can't keep. Again. I will not be dishonost.

My angel is 25. A capricorn. Studying to become a vet. Is rambunctious. Petite. Large hazel eyes. A vegan. (so I won't take her out for reubens, no biggie). An old school skatechick. A dj. No kidding, I have two of her tapes already. A cute upturned nose. Freckles. Egyptian tattoos. Red and blonde streaked hair. Pierced nose, tongue....and nipples. Feminine. An artist as well. And she makes me feel comfortable in my own skin half the time, and very weirded out the other half. But she refuses to touch a 'puter except for papers and to message me. This is a drawback. She talks more than I do. (is this possible?).

But I like her, and no matter what, we decided we would at least be friends. I just wish she'd stop pressuring me. Hmmmmm......I'll figure it out given some time.

This morning's emails make me happy. I finally have the go ahead to order 4 more racks full of Compaq servers, my 2MB pipe is ordered and should be in by the end of October and I have the go ahead to revamp the business servers, so I get to spend a lot of time with our HR yummie, trying to find out her business requirements.

Life is good and I have chocolate ...

Until a mail arrives saying "Can we send out 10000 emails at once?". Alaram bells go off. I reply with "Where did you get 10000 email addresses from?" "Well we're going to buy them" "Are you sure these people want email?" "Well the list person says they do" "Uh-huh. Do you want me to come hit you now, or after the spam complaints come in?" "You won't let me do it?" "No" "I'll tell my boss you're obstructive" "I'll tell your boss you're an idiot. I will win".

I won.

I am in Italy, on vacation. Staying at my parents' house, and trying to understand the way I feel towards this country (or, more specifically, towards this particular part of the country, between Milano and Parma).
Would I want to live here again ? It is difficult to say. At times, these days, I felt as if I were not really here, as if this was just a dream with the reality/insanity of Mexico City (the place where I have been living for the last year and a half) hiding just around the corner.

My girlfriend is here too, and I see that she looks at me with worry. She clearly sees that I may take a sudden and important decision.
Living in Mexico is OK, there is no complaint. But maybe I would like to be somewhere (and with someone) that is more than OK, in fact I would like to live in a way that is fucking great, not just OK.
On the other hand, the country has been good to me (it even force me to write on becoming a boss). Nonetheless, it is not my country, and despite all the adaptation effort I do, I strongly suspect that it will never be.

So, what happens is that I define myself by my otherness, which is certainly a peculiar way of life, and an occasionally tiring one.

I feel suspended. In this I am helped by the weather, which is the typical Padania weather for late summer: warm, humid and very hazy. The sky is more white than blue, there is no wind, birds chirp. How different from the definite Mexico City weather, where it is either hot and dry and sunny, or pouring rain.

Anyway, my parents want the phone line back. Loggin out for today, will write more later. And I have written a postcard for ideath :-)

My alarmclock didn't wake me this morning. Well, it did, but not when I wanted to. I wanted to wake up with Sign Of The Cross by Iron Maiden, because it's a song that starts slowly and gets harder as the song progresses. Well, I usually wake up when the light of my stereo turns on or the first sounds come out of the speakers, but not in this case. I woke up about halfway during the song (which is over 10 minutes long). In a hurry I had some breakfast, shaved myself, and wanted to go to work, when I noticed an SMS on my cellular phone. It was a very sweet message from the girl I'll be seeing in two days. She tells me every day that she loves me and I tell her the same, but so far that's all. I hope that will change this weekend.
Anyway, after reading the message three times and thinking about her, I realise that I'm running late so I hurry to my car, drive to work like a maniac, and arrive at the same time I usually arrive.

At work, it was pretty hectic. Some user complained that it took 30 minutes to startup the program he uses all day (which normally takes 5), and he was getting pretty sick of it. I'm still looking for the answer to why it takes so long. The damn machine of his has 512mb of RAM and a 700mhz processor, which usually makes even Windows boot fast. But in this case it's about a scheduling program, and it uses its memory pretty inefficient.
I've been looking for an answer all day. I tried some changes in the coding of the program, but that didn't really make a difference. I tried running it on a different machine, but that also didn't matter. But now I might have found an answer, because there were about 210.000 records in the database, while there should be 35.000. So I deleted the redundant ones, and it starts a bit faster. It's still slow, so maybe they should consider better software.

I'll be going home at 5PM, get home at 6, do some shopping in the early evening, and then get back home again, probably at around 8, to waste the rest of my evening on irc. Hopefully, some interesting people are online.

Yesterday, we had a Crisis. A stressed friend of mine needed support.

Been logged here, tweaked some writeups a bit. Can't remember what.

16:49

Today's stuff: I've written a HTML tutorial for newbies (in Finnish) - still working on that, got aquaintated with HTML Tidy (does wonders to Jade-generated HTML what comes to readability), and read past three month's worth of User Friendly (also got an user account there).

Well, um, that's it. So far. I guess I need to finish that HTML tutorial someday. And I've got to make the digital media excercise too. Hmm hmm...

18:56

Took great pains to describe IMG tags. Hmm, well...

21:38

Another not-that-kewl evening. ::sigh:: Well, at least I noded about two Chick tracts, even when I thought I was completely tired of noding for some time. More energy to come!

---

Other day logs o' mine...

Noded today by y.t.: Jade The Last Generation Fat Cats
Updated: Jack T. Chick Tracts

I haven't pulled an all nighter in a while, but here I am. 7am and still awake. It wasn't because I had too much homework to do or because I was playing some online game that I couldn't get away from. No, it was because I was battling with a spider all night. That's right. I've got an irrational fear of spiders and this little black bugger wouldn't stop crawling on the ceiling right above my bed. I tried spraying some coconut scented body spray at it, but all it did was cause a very pissed off spider to crawl around on my walls. Okay, so I try smashing it with a book - but miss! Now I have a really pissed off spider crawling on my walls. Whatever. So I sat in my chair and read Scientific American until I realized the sun was coming up.

Really no big deal except I'm supposed to meet with someone at around noon. I can probably sneak in a few hours of sleep after I write this node.

I met this guy last Saturday. I met him from online actually, and we met in person Saturday. So, we literally spent like 10+ hours together, then again on Sunday. The past two days we've had 4+ hour conversations on the phone. It's eerie. I don't even like talking on the phone. It's not bad. It's okay to like someone, right?

Hmm, no spider. Goodnight.

celebration! two days in the row.
last night, i took my family to sushi to tell them i'm ready to fight with the world by myself and to thank about the fact that they have supported me to getting ready for this.

tonight, i took ai to sushi to celebrate her marrige.
i'm really happy with hearing that she's getting marry.
honestly, i've been felt like unless she marries, i cannot focus on myself. there is no possibility for us to get back 'cause we concluded that we are not right for each other after being together for nine years.
that's the fact and that's it.
without being cynical, i feel good about she's getting marry and me being by myself to focus on my future.

ai, congratrations. i will be loving you as a person no matter what.
and i think we will never get together for the rest of our life. that is good thing 'cause we've been too depenent each other.
we need to walk our own path without bending our way to live.
go away and be happy!!!!!

i've got next project to work on. i'll be getting busy and being busy is good.

---

i'm sure there are a lot of typo in this writeup due to my drunkenness.
hell, i don't care.
i'm dying to want to record my feeling tonight.
i'll check my bad spelling and my bad grammer tomorrow at the work.
i'm feeling better-sweet-yet-happy tonight.

I wake up this morning, hoping that the confusion and anger of the pervious evening would not carry over, but it already has. After three years of dating her, I finally thought to myself, "Maybe I am just lucky. Most people go through life and never find love, and here I am with someone I could love for the rest of my life." The illusion is shattered several weeks after my anniversary, when I learn from my brother that she has betrayed me, not once but twice, has no regrets and that she plans to leave me after college is over.

I live with her, and I am trapped there, because without my apartment I can't attend college, since dorming is too expensive. I am forced to live a lie; to hide all my anger and disgust and fear, and just put on a smile. Last night we had sex, which is usually an agonizing experince already, but what made it worse for me was that she was actually passionate. Inside of my head, all sorts of conflicting ideas battled out. I felt the joy, the comfort, the security that one feels when they are in love, and I felt the desperation, the anger, and the loss that comes with falling out of love.

This morning I awoke from the aftermath of this internal conflict and I don't know what to do. I am so afraid, so skeptical of love, and so unsure of where I am going to go. One thing is for certain: I must escape this or there is no chance for me to renew my life again.

up and down and back again

I've had enough of it here. I wanna go home. This place wears you down. Everyone is tired. Everyone is sick of frantic socialising every night. Tonight will be even worse, but thats OK because its our last night. One last night of total debauchery and then home.

Even that inspires a little trepidation in me. Do I actually have a home? Or is it just that place where I live? This exhausting little sojourn away from my life has made it all distant. I was not very happy in that life when I was there 3 weeks ago. what am I going back to?. Will I be as miserable as I was before?. I can't tell. Everything is so far away.

Yesterday I got a nibble from a funky little LA based technology firm. I sent them my cv a couple of weeks ago just for the hell of it. They want to talk to me before I leave the states if possible. I let them know my itinerary and the fact that I will be in LA on Saturday. I am waiting to hear back. What am I going to do if they are interested? I had made my decision dammit. I had told Object that I would work for them in Melbourne. I had decided to turn down Logica's offer and I had notified AC of my intentions.... Now What?. I havent signed anything - this could be a really good opportunity - should I change my mind?. please someone tell me what to do.

These days I wish someone else would take responsibility for my life. who am I?

Kung's USA daylogs prev next

After careful consideration I have decided that my sanity did return at 10:00am BST yesterday

...Today was a day of learning. This is quite an achievement considering I was in school all day, but never the less it happened. Politics classes were their own usual ramble of Margeret Thatcher, the 'new right' and market economies. Their is perhaps nothing I like debating more than whether people should be aloowed to pay privately for health care, hence jumping the queue on the NHS. History was history, as history always is but today it was of the Russain pesuasion. Did you know that in 1905 Leon Trotsky took over a trade union organisation for completely image purposes? Did you also know that azure83 is a Leon Trotsky look-a-like?...

...This evening I get the dubious honor of a nice meal to celebrate my grandmother's 73rd birthday...more news on that later

---

Reasons to be cheerful: The Greek ferry disaster was an insurance scam, so the barstards are getting tried for murder.

Reasons not to be cheerful: As above, but now taking into account that 63 lives were lost.

previous

bad: I hate my job.
good/bad: I'm looking for a new one. I'm not sticking around even though it's just been two months.
VERY GOOD: My boyfriend has acquired a laptop for me! A very, VERY nice Thinkpad with a huge screen and all sorts of extras. It's mine for the next year. I am very very very happy about this. ^-^ He's so neat.

Going to actually meet some of the SFWOW folks tonight, should be interesting. Invited my Japanese class to Halloween party. With E2ers, Charles de Lint fans (from Tamson House), learners of Japanese, and former-fans-of-Mercedes Lackey, it should be a genuinely strange mix. Apropos.

YES! The Oakland Museum of California wants to interview me Monday!!! I would love to work there, especially since their big Forbidden City exhibit starts soon.

The day has started, as many others, with a phone call getting me out of bed, which is turning into a nasty habit. I also found out that the dvd of The Wall works, so that puts and end to a too long saga.

In the afternoon, crowded classes. A very nice Computer Networks 1, opened by the teacher's 'this is Computer Networks 1, where we will bash Telefonica (Spain's monopolistic telco); Microsoft bashing is on Computer Networks 2', followed by an awful Computer Architectures 1, which I wasn't willing to like, and it met my expectations. It happens that there are some great departments in UAB, but the Computer Architecture and Operating Systems (CAOS), isn't one of them -I do not like their subjects, nor their methods, nor most of the teachers.

That would have pretty much been my day, but I have just received a call from a friend (Panda), who missed me on the trips to class (we used to take the same train); tomorrow we'll meet, but he also told me that, well, he came back home in the same train that a friend of mine... to get an idea about what does that mean for me, take a look at my secret unrequited love node.

But well, I must be feeling better, because this hasn't nearly affected me (besides getting into this daylog).

Anyway, my day's ending now, I think I'll watch La Cosa Nostra, a local late night show, with a real good showman (he practices quite a lot of stand-up comedy, which is kinda uncommon around here). By the way, a local newspaper once mistook the show for a show on organized crime...

Good night, all of you, wherever you are...

I have been running on only 4 to 5 hours of sleep a nigh for 3 weeks now. So the fact that I got up in time for my first class this morning is amazing. After waking up, showing and all those other get ready for the day kinds of things I started some last minute cramming. I had to tests today.

I took my first test. It was in Analysis of Algorithms. I think I did pretty well. It was a lot easier of a test then I was expecting. I know I got the 15 point extra credit right. My second test was in Business Law class. It to was pretty easy also. It was mainly a lot of court cases.

As for tonight I plan on spending most of it with my girlfriend.

Another day...

I am beginning to get tired of this. I wake up early so I can get out of the apartment as soon as possible. Hanging out there would even make the little yellow smiley man depressed. I get to work, dive into E2...Unfortunately, I use up my votes first thing in the morning. So I open some work-related screens.

After of getting virtually no work done all day, and verbal sparring with the client rep who's on my back, I can't leave soon enough. I should work, eh? I panic, I freak out, I freeze. I can't deal with my program not doing what I expect. I'm not sure what I even need to see when it's done.
I'm in way over my head and noone seems to notice.

I usuall leave the second the clock shows 5:00. I'm out the door. Only, today, I'm still here. It's 6:00 and I can't leave. I have a shiteload of work, as usual. I am out of excuses. I can't do anything more tonight, anyway, but regardless, I sit and mope.

I could probably go home.
I should, I mean. It's getting dark outside.
But no, I sit here because there's nothing to do in my apartment either. I know I will just eat everything in sight, then read/sing/cry myself to sleep.

Just another day. Don't mind me. I'm Invisible.

got up, only a little hung over after finishing the remains of the single malt from monday. headed in to varsity to satisfy the caffeine deprivation that was making my head pound. had caffeine.

pretended to do some work. had caffeine.

noded a little. had caffeine.

went for lunch. had caffeine.

fixed a bug (any bug, it didn't matter), so i could honestly say i'd done some work. had caffeine.

had caffeine.

noded a little. had caffeine.

went dancing ceroc and then to a bar afterwards; didn't drink, had caffeine.

went to bed.

...Under...Over...

7:30 AM EST -- Yeah, Toast!

Time for toast. Time for economics. Time for complete and utter boredom. I hate economics.

But hey, my homework's done, and it prolongs the inevitable: the math modeling test later today.

12:20 PM EST -- Studying time! Or so.

I'll say, the Escort is a nice ride to class. And bringing my mix CD with me is nice, as well. But I don't think I'll get over the Pinto any time soon. And the Escort's got this irritating "Shift Up Now" light on the dashboard. I need a switch that tells the car "I KNOW how to drive a fucking manual, and NO, there's no chance in HELL I'm going to shift into the overdrive gear at 45MPH!"

The math modeling test is later today. 7:30 it starts. I leave home at 6:30 to get there in time. Time to study more, like I have been lately.

But first, I'll burn NixMixTwo to CD. I've needed another mix CD like I need a third nipple, but hey, I may as well. Organize it, set it on burn, and start studying.

12:40 PM EST -- 'Ey, Adam. Tennis?

Hrm. Friend stopped by right after I hit the start button on the burn. As long as he's here, I may as well give him a rude introduction to the new courts I ruthlessly ripped open in Mario Tennis. Anyone who says cute games suck gets a free kick in the ass from me.

After THIS, it'll be studying time.

1:00 PM EST -- 'Ey, Phil. Where's the truck?

Hrm. Bro just pulled up. Well, let me rephrase it: Bro just pulled up in someone else's car. This is a problem. He took the Ranger to school. Turns out the thing died on him somewhere in the depths of 13 Mile Road. Guess whose car we're taking to recover it? Hint: The car's model starts with an E, was recently purchased by me, replaces a Pinto...

With everyone in tow and a gas can in the back, we hit the road for a truck recovery.

1:20 PM EST -- 'Ey, Ranger. Need some gas?

Hrm. Reason the truck died is because the damn thing ran out of gas. No, my bro's not an idiot, the gas gauge doesn't work. Thus, we filled it up and headed home. NOW I can study, damnit!

9:00 PM EST -- Test

I am proud to say the studying helped.

I am ashamed to say it didn't help enough.

There were some problems I knew only because I went over them earlier. But, some of them I drew a complete blank on. Oh, well. I hope I get partial credit for bullshitting my way through it. There's always next test...

A walk at Delta Lake, north of Rome, NY.

I walk alone into the forest on a crisp fall day. Under the canopy, the bright afternoon sun can't win against the chill. I marvel at the trees, so tall they make mine at home seem unfinished, by comparison. A blush of red, a tinge of yellow says that autumn is really here, and only six days after the calendar says so. Each step reminds me I'm in a different place: the earth, spongy and fecund gives beneath my tread and springs back. Decades of leaves, layer upon layer, transition gradually into soil below the surface.

As I walk, I get incredibly happy, just thrilled to have found this stolen hour to use as I please, in a faraway place on a Thursday afternoon, when I would otherwise be sitting at my desk. Seconds later, in an amazing turnabout, tears come to my eyes as I realize that I don't make time in my life alot of the time for what's important to me. This stroll in the woods, completely unplanned, is a gift of circumstance -- a gift to myself, and it's the best, most important part of the trip. Not the presentation. Not the meeting with the client.

After walking for 20 minutes or so, I come to the shore of the small lake. I burst forth eagerly into the sunshine, glad for the warmth, and notice it's mostly calm on this south-facing shore. A heron, disturbed by my eruption, leaves his post by the little bay. The shore is covered with rocks. Many are rounded. If these were loaves of bread, some of them have been sliced! Flat slices of roundish rocks, a centimeter or less thick, lie among their whole brothers and sisters. I select two as a memento.

When I get back to the car, I notice that they fit together. Perfectly.

I got my hair cut today.

It wasn't the exact plan, but given the fact that my academic advisor was gone by the time I got to school, I thought it was a pretty good way to spend my afternoon. I also spent some time with my friend Marisa, who's having a tough time with the fact that her grandfather just passed away. I guess they were pretty close. It was neat spending time with her though, because Marisa is one of those people I've always been able to be completely honest with, and that means alot to me.

We talked alot about where we saw ourselves in ten years, and big surprise, I had no fucking clue. Hell, I'm going to be graduating with a degree in creative writing. I guess that means I can do whatever the hell I want to, once I'm finished with school, but it would be kind of nice if I knew what that was. *sigh* I suppose we all go through that, right?

Please say yes.

My {bwahahhah, i took it out}th birthday =)

Not very eventful, as i have been informed that an event is happening this weekend. God knows what they have planned, all i know is i'm bringing my girlfriend and another couple.

My girlfriend got me this cool candle holder thingy, its a glass froggie! She also got me this book of odd lyrics in common songs, it has demented pictures :) My best guy-friend treated me to a bottle of jolt and dinner. Sorta, heh. I'm not going to go into that for the sake of the 3rd person involved.