Once upon a time there was an enchanted
princess who lived in a
magical castle in a
fairytale kingdom in
Old Europe. Her name was
Razibelle. She had everything she wanted and more, however, she was not allowed to leave the castle. When she was born, the king and queen had a
banquet. They had in invited everyone except for a very wicked
witch who lived on the hill outside of town. Because of this, the witch had put a curse on her so that she would die if she ever went outside the castle walls.
In the castle Princess Razibelle had many servants who made sure her every need was seen to. Everyday for as long as she could remember she always had exquisite, delicious food brought to her. When she grew old enough to develop a curiousity about such things she approached Corcezeusc, who was the oldest and wisest of all her servants.
“Corcezeusc” she said “ Where does the food we eat come from?”
This gave Corcezeusc pause and he stroked his long white beard.
“From the kitchen people, your highness” he finally replied.
“Who are the Kitchen People?” asked Razibelle.
“I pray come sit with me, your highness, for I am old and cannot stand at length. I will tell you of the Kitchen People.”
Corcezeusc and the Princess sat together in the royal courtyard. Corcezeusc coughed and cleared his throat.
“This is the story of the Kitchen People.” Corcezeusc began.
“The Kitchen People dwell beyond the castle walls, the live among the trees in crowded warrens, and they prepare your food when you are not looking.”
Corcezeusc took a breath and sat for a moment lost in thought. The sunlight shone off the deep wrinkles in his brow. The Princess looked up at him, her eyes wide with expectation. Surely that could not be the end of his story. Certainly he had not sat her down for a single sentence.
“Is that all?” said the Princess.
“No.” said Corcezeusc with a start. “You see, The Kitchen People live very spicy lives, full of a passionate intensity that far exceeds any of ours and they cannot control their emotions. They will explode with rage if you so much as drink a beer out of season or use the fruit cutting board for meat, these are the gravest of sins for them. The Kitchen People are very wise, but they are bound by many rules beyond our comprehension. They can prepare any wonderful dish but they have no idea how to navigate the boundaries of their twisted and tortured interpersonal relationships.”
“The Kitchen People work in a fast paced environment in dangerous conditions where there are a lot of hot and sharp objects and when they step through the kitchen with something hot or sharp they shout “HOT” or “SHARP”. When they have a head chef who behaves quite inappropriately towards women and always coming on to them - they shout “HARD”.”
“How odd.” said the Princess.
“Yes, yes. Now if your highness will let me finish telling of the kitchen people.” said Corcezeusc “When they fancy their chances and feel especially lucky, the Kitchen people proposition their “partners” for “threesomes”, but more often they summarily get dumped by them”
“What’s a partner?” said the Princess
“Oh, kitchen people don’t have husbands or wives. They have “partners” instead.”
“Oh okay.” the princess said. She still didn’t really understand.
“Though the Kitchen People act very rich, they have no money themselves, for they always spend it on weed and clothes and concerts. They have their own music that only they know of.”
“While the Kitchen People are very learned in all sorts of Philosophy and Literature nothing in all their knowledge can get them out the kitchen. As surely as you are born a princess and I a servant so a Kitchen Person is born a Kitchen Person and nothing in all the world can change that.”
Corcezeusc paused in thought.
“It leads to lots of conflicts between them.”
“They sound like supermodels!” declared Razibelle.
“Aye” said Corcezeusc. “They’re real prima donnas! It's a really spicy grill!"
“I wish I could go outside the castle.” said the Princess. “The world sounds like such an interesting place. It is so full of curious things.”
“So, why don’t you go.” said Corcezeusc
The princess looked at Corcezeusc in bewilderment, how could a man so wise as he be ignorant of so grievous a thing? A thing that determined her entire life.
“If I leave, I’ll die!” said the Princess aghast.
“What makes you say that?” replied Corcezeusc calmly, but slightly annoyed.
The Princess was astounded by Corcezeusc’ blythe response. Was he playing some sort of trick on her? Was this some strange sort of test?
“Well, the curse for one...” she said cautiously.
“Oh.” said Corcezeusc. “Actually, Raz, the whole thing about the evil witch was bullshit, the real reason your parents won’t let you go outside because they’re worried you’ll get fucked by a scruffy kitchen person.”
“Raz” nearly fainted, never had any of her servants ever spoke so free she went away to tell her father, the king, what Corcezeusc had said.
The next day, the king had Corcezeusc hanged for his impudence, and the day after, Communists took over the castle and the royal family moved to Etobicoke. The month after, the monarchists took the castle back, twenty one years years after the Communists took it back, two months after the fascists took it over again, three weeks after the Communists took it back, forty six years later the Communists left, the fairytale kingdom joined the EU and NATO. The castle became a tourist attraction, and then it was abandoned. During the war one Russian soldier gave another a blowjob in the ruins and the Ukrainians killed them both with a drone. Nobody lived happily ever after.