While
browsing through E2, I am often reminded of a quote
by
John Pilgrim.
But it's hard to find
good dirty jokes.
So as a
service to the public, I will bring forth
a
bundle of dirty jokes. These are jokes that I consider to
be
classics in the dirty jokes department. (So you may
know some of them).
Essential? Essential to whom? You may ask. Well,
Fuck You, Clown.
Making Cakes
5-year old Jennie and her mother are walking in the
zoo.
They walk past the
monkey cage, in which two monkeys are
having sex.
Oh, what the hell, this IS a dirty jokes
node. I mean in which two monkeys are
fucking.
Jennie asks her mother, "What are the
monkeys doing?" and her mother, thinking quickly, answers,
"Um, they're
making cakes, dear."
They keep on strolling through the zoo, and they walk past
the
lion cage, in which the lion is
making love
to bonking the hell out of the lioness.
"What are they doing?" Jennie once again asks. The mother
replies, "They're
making cakes
too,
pumpkin."
Soon they find themselves in front of the elephants, where
the elephants are
copulating screwing
like there is no tomorrow. "What are they doing?" Jennie
asks, and her mother replies, "They are
making cakes, darling."
The next morning, Jennie's mother is
cooking
in the kitchen, when Jennie comes in. "Mommy," she starts.
"Yes, sugar-plum?" her mother prompts her.
"Did you
and daddy
make cakes on the couch last night?"
Well, naturally, the mother is rather
nonplussed, but
she keeps her cool, and asks, "Why, did you see daddy and me
making cakes on the couch last night?"
"No, but I licked the
icing off the upholstry."
Don't give me crap about 5-year olds not knowing
words like upholstry. Which, incidentally reminds me of
another joke:
3-year old old Joey and Lisa are playing in the
living room.
Joey: Lisa, do you want to give me a blowjob in the
patio?
Lisa: What's a patio?
But I digress...
Little Red Riding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is walking through the forest to
Grandma's house. Suddenly a
big bad wolf appears.
"Hello, Litlle Red Riding Hood," says the wolf. He stands up
on his hind legs so that he towers above her menacingly.
"Take off your clothes," he commands, "I am going to fuck
you."
Litle Red pulls out a
44 Magnum. "Oh no you're not," she
says. "You're going to
eat me like the book says."
Dirty Dishes
Joe wants to buy a
motorcycle. He doesn't have much
luck, until, one day, he comes
across a beautiful
Harley Davidson with a "
for sale"
sign on it. The bike seems even more
beautiful than a new
one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in
absolutely
mint condition. He immediately buys it, and
asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for
10 years.
"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller,
"whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub
Vaseline on the
chrome. It protects it from the rain."
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his
girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to
meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But
just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
"I have to tell you something about my
family before we go in. When we eat
dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner
has to
do the dishes."
"No problem," he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the
living
room is a
huge stack of dirty dishes. In the
kitchen is
another huge stack of dishes. Piled up
on the stairs, in
the
corridor, everywhere he looks,
dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a
word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take
advantage of the
situation. So he leans over and
kisses
Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles
her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up,
grabs her,
rips her clothes off, throws
her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her
parents. His girlfriend is a little
flustered, her dad is
obviously
livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back
down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body", he thinks. So
he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and
has
his way with her every which way right there on the
dinner table. Now his girlfriend is
furious and her dad is
boiling, but still,
total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud
clap of thunder, and it
starts to rain. Joe remembers his motorcycle, so pulls the
Vaseline jar from his pocket.
The father backs away from the table and shouts: "
All
right, enough already, I'll do the fucking dishes!!"
Superman
Superman wakes up one fine morning and realizes that he
has done everything he could in
Metropolis. There are no
more
criminals and no more
action, and he is bored
senseless.
So he flies to see whether any of his buddies need help. He
flies over to
Gotham City and comes across
Batman riding
around in his
Batmobile. Superman yells to him, "Hey
Batman, got anything I can help you with?"
Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything
under control."
Superman flies towards that city where
Spider-Man lives.
(Chris-O tells me it is in fact, NYC). He sees Spider-Man
lazily climbing a building, and asks him
if he needs assistance.
"No, it's pretty quiet around here, right now."
Spidy
replies.
By now, Superman is getting quite
exasperated. Not very
hopeful, he starts to fly back to Metropolis. All of a
sudden, he sees
Wonder Woman lying
completely naked on
the beach.
"Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I
zoom down and do her really
quickly, she'll never know what hit her!" So Superman
swoops down, does his thing in about 5 seconds, and flies
away,
faster than a speeding bullet.
Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says, "
What
was that all about?"
The
Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't
know, but my
ass hurts like hell."
The Lady and The Bartender
A rather
attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
rural pub. She
gestures alluringly
to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she
seductively signals that he
should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she
begins to
gently caress his beard
which is
full and bushy.
"
Are you the manager?" she
asks, softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." she asks,
running her hands up
beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't" breathes the
barman,
clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him
a message" she continues
huskily, popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him
to
suck them gently. "Tell him," she says "that there is
no
toilet paper or
hand soap in the
ladies room."
The Professor
Professor Murray and his wife went to
bed, but instead of falling asleep like his wife, the professor decided to
read for a while.
Every minute or so, Murray reached over and
tickled his wife's
pussy. After fifteen minutes of this, his wife turned over and said, "Look, if you want to fuck me,
fuck me, but stop teasing me like that!"
"I'm not teasing you," he replied, "I'm wetting my finger so I can turn the page."
I'll end on this, one of the more classic classics. Chances are you've heard it, but I did call this node Essential Dirty Jokes, (watch it, clown!), so I'm including it.
Daddy, can I borrow the car?
The 18-year old girl comes up to her dad. "Daddy, the
prom's tonight, and I promised my date I'd pick him up. Is it okay if I borrow the car tonight?"
Her father thinks, and says, "Okay, but only if you
suck my dick."
Naturally, she is shocked, but her father's mind is made up. She
really wants the car. So, resigned to her fate, she get
down on her knees and starts doing the deed. But after about 2 seconds, she looks up in disgust, and says, "Daddy, your dick
tastes like shit!"
"Oh yeah, that
reminds me," her father replies, "you can't have the car tonight; your brother's borrowing it."