For those
unfamiliar with
kittens...
The
standard kitten package includes:
- One (1) kitten with
- Two (2) pointy, velvet-soft ears under independent swivel control
- Two (2) disproportionately large eyes (Note: Eyes may not be visible immediately after unpacking kitten. DO NOT attempt to examine kitten eyes unless already open and blinking in adorable manner.)
- One (1) slightly damp nose
- Two (2) bunches of whiskers, one per side of head. (Note: DO NOT attempt to trim, style, curl, tease, perm or dye whiskers. EVER.)
- One (1) mouth, full to the brim with very sharp, yet small, teeth.
- One (1) tongue, pink, small, and covered in organic rasping surface.
- Four (4) legs of inconsequential strength
- Four (4) paws, loaded with very sharp, very small claws.
- One (1) tail. (Note: Most kittens are unaware of the presence of their own tail. DO NOT attempt to introduce them to it by tying on a bit of string, catnip, a small child, or a wombat.)
- One (1) integral handle located at the scruff of the kitten's neck. (Note: DO NOT attempt to imitate feline behavior by gripping the kitten handle in your teeth. It's just plain wrong.
DO NOT assume that because your kitten has a handle, it should be treated like a briefcase. Use the kitten handle only when moving the kitten swiftly is of vital importance (e.g. when a piano is about to squish it, or when a savage dog threatens to eat it). Otherwise, encourage kitten to walk from place to place with gentle nudges or proffered nutritious snacks.