I'm trying to get out of the rut I fell into. 

After I finished the 12km race last month, I didn't know what to do next. As much as I dislike rules and obligations, I do need a certain amount of structure in my life aside from the usual "work, eat, sleep" routine. I need to feel like I'm working towards something that matters. My career goals terrify me, so of course I did whatever I could to distract myself. Avoidance is my go-to coping mechanism. I busied myself with preserving food from the garden, and I spent far too much time playing games on my phone. I went to bed earlier than necessary and overslept every morning. Anything to make myself "too busy" to do anything that might actually get me anywhere. After a few weeks of functioning this way, I felt even more depressed than usual and knew it was time to cut it out already. I know when I'm sabotaging myself

Trying to be positive feels strange. I don't know how to be optimistic and still be authentic. It feels like putting on a new skin, like wearing a plastic mask with a great big smile on it. 

Have you heard of sexual coercion? That's the term for being pressured, guilted, or shamed into having sex when you don't want to. I didn't know the term existed until I did some Googling last week to find out if how my ex-fiancee treated me was normal. Nope. It wasn't. 

I had a doctor appointment last week, and I'm now on a wait list to see a therapist. It'll take about 5-8 weeks for someone to call me and set up an appointment. In the meantime, I don't know what to do with my emotions. I spent about an hour last night researching local organizations that help abused women and children. When I sign up for the next 5km race, I can set up a fundraiser page for one of those organizations. Maybe that will help me to stop feeling so helpless. I'm tired of feeling like a victim. I'm tired of feeling hurt. There must be something useful I can do with my pain.

I've also downloaded a productivity app to help me actually get shit done each day. So far, it seems to be working for me. I'm mostly focusing on menial tasks, like scooping the litter box more often and actually using the tooth whitening strips that I bought two months ago. I figure it's easier to start small and work my way up. 

Paying off my student loan debt is at the top of my priority list, now that my spending frenzy has come to an end. I linked up my secondary bank account — the one I use for my freelance earnings — with my student loan account and made a small payment as a test. I'm paranoid about accidentally paying off someone else's account. Once that goes through, I'll make another payment, one big enough to cut my balance in half. That one move will reduce my yearly interest payments by about $100. The second half of my balance shouldn't take too much longer to pay off. I'm aiming for the end of December, but February or March of next year wouldn't be too bad. 

I'm feeling weirdly tired today, so I'll listen to more podcasts for a bit. Hopefully later tonight I'll get my second wind and get a few more things done around the house. I still need to pack up a few things for my storage unit, and I want to design a label for my jars of homemade crabapple jelly. Thanks for reading.