Posting a letter as a third and finally medium hoping to be read and hoping even more so for some kind of response, even one simply stating it's been read.
Dear Kristin,
If giving (or attempting to give) you the comic was inappropriate, I apologize. I was only hoping to have something as an
icebreaker because more than anything else, I just wanted to talk to you. As that didn't happen, I left it with Ben.
Recently I'd heard things which would make me
believe that you weren't ok and as such I was
concerned. Your friend (I think her name is Lauren, but I don't rightly remember) from Plano happens to go to school with me and we ran into each other a week or two ago. We talked for a good hour or so and I gained a little bit of
insight as to how you "work" if you know what I mean (which you probably don't, after all, I never was a great orator). She
confirmed what some people had told me earlier - that you'd had troubles at the end of the semester and that your parents basically weren't letting you come home (she also told me you no longer cared about money and just wanted to do what made you happy, which I was quite glad to hear). She also told me that what you said to me the day we returned to
TAMS in January was truthful and I'm sorry I ever
doubted you. I would hope that you can
understand why I doubted what you said - coming from any other teenage
female I've known I had to wonder, but I should have realized that you aren't an average teenage girl. Know also that anything she told me she only said because she
cares about you and knows that I had nothing but
good will for you and wanted to help.
So, yes, I was
worried about you and yes I also came because I was
hoping there was still a chance we might get back together. I'll be
honest -
I miss you, it drives me nuts every day wondering how I fucked things up and what would have happened had I ever said
everything I felt. With my luck nothing would have changed, but I can't help but
wish I'd told you
I loved you. I'm not saying this to try and scare you or to try and change anything because quite frankly I don't think it'll do any damn good.
I love you, god knows I wish I didn't because things would be so much easier, but I do - and I can't help that, hell, I'd probably have married you if you wanted me to. So it's understandable that I want you to be
happy - even if that means without me. There hasn't been a day yet where I haven't wanted to run to you, hold you in my arms, and tell you everything would be allright, which of course I couldn't do because I didn't think you wanted anything to do with me - which seems to be accurate.
Realize, and I'm not trying to make you feel
guilty here - so don't, you were the only person that's ever made me truly
happy. I miss the girl who was willing to literally fight to be with me. For five months I was able to say in full confidence that I was completely and perfectly happy. If nothing else, I can look back on that and smile. Everything about you made me
smile. The way you said
hello, the days you'd wear
glittery shirts to get back at me for some mild annoyance the day before (yeah, I knew), your gorgeous
eyes, perfect
smile, soft and oh-so-kissable
lips, and incredible
intelligence that I found overwhelmingly
sexy. And I don't give a shit what some dumb IQ test says, you are a
genius - you're bloody
amazing. I've never met a woman that was as intelligent as you and I don't think I ever will. 1590 be damned, SO WHAT!? I don't care what any test or score or other person will ever say and the college board can kiss my ass - you are
brilliant and
perfect. You don't have to be the best at everything you do to get noticed - I don't see how you couldn't get into any school of your choice right the hell NOW if you wanted to. Also, whether you think it or not, you do have a
beautiful voice and
sing quite well. I'm sorry I had to miss the debut of Barefoot in the AAAAAAAAARGH! (I mean Park). And I feel
sick when I think that refused to give you your class ring - I was afriad of embarassing you. I was afraid that I'd get up there and say something
stupid, or
romantic or otherwise inappropriate in front of your family, friends, and peers. In retrospect
none of that matters and I wish I could take it back and do it over again, but I can't.
So, I guess if you want me to leave you alone for the rest of your life I will, but I can't stop caring about you. Don't kill yourself over your GPA, don't give a shit what anyone else thinks, and do what makes you happy. I will never EVER again tell you to shut up - even jokingly as it was, speak freely
goddess, but allow me to look upon you in fervent (I hope that word means what I think it does...)
awe and
admiration at your
undying beauty and unbridled intelligence and simply gaze upon whatever God's may or may not exist
perfect creation. And this time, I mean it.
There's so much more that I want to say, but I can never remember all of it in one sitting, and if I wrote it all there'd be a novel when I finish. Fortunately I think all of it can be summed up with I love you, do what makes you happy, and have a wonderful life - with or without me.
~Tony Toepfer~
@~~}~~