"Stop self harming!" - a friend in another board when I mentioned I was going to do this again
It's a fitness race. If you're tough enough to thunder down the A12 like a REFORGER convoy and get off at Brentwood you'll start to see see signs for the Secret Nuclear Bunker. This is on some farmland but during the summer, on some of the side fields on this farmland, three times a year, the proprietors host Nuclear Fit. Which I, despite still being on paper a hamcannon, did this weekend. And if you're tough enough to put your card in the machine and sign up to do it, you will be challenged as follows. It comes in two flavours: the "high tar" version, in which you have to run for a kilometre and then carry out each of the below, and the Storm version, which is what I did because my knees are too fucked from years of being a flabberous lumpsome land-beluga to run for any extended period of time, and in which there's no running, you just do all the stations back to back in the time limit of 45 minutes. And yes, you can go round as many times as you want.
The stations are thus:
- Flip a tractor tyre weighing 83kg over 50 metres
- Carry an urn weighing 30kg on your chest around a 150m track
- Drag a sled in harness with 70kg worth of sacks on it around a 100m track
- Farmer's walk a couple of 24kg milk churns around a 200m track
- Lift a 32kg sandbag over a bar 10 times having carried it out 40m and back 40m
- Squat until your legs fall off
This was the first time I'd attempted fitness racing and frankly, I'm going to do it again because it was so much fun. Well, there's Crossfit but you have to be mad to do that because it seems to involve a significant risk of crippling yourself, and then there's Hyrox which involves too much running and running isn't fun, it's what you do when there's a man chasing you with a knife. This is more my thing. Less running, just back to back lifting and shifting! Oh yeah.
So, how did I do? Well, I shall tell you.
I did in 38 minutes. I arrived, stretched, signed in, and got to the start line for my wave. There's enough people that you are sent off in waves every half hour. My wave included an Australian chap who used to be into powerlifting, a wiry looking fifty something (I and the Aussie powerlifter agreed he would be the fastest at this because it's always the stringy old guys who are good at this sort of thing), and four women who all seemed to be entering as a team. We got the briefing and at 10.30 sharp, the hooter went and we all headed off.
The tyre flip was first. For some reason its smell took me back to the playground in primary school where they had old tractor tyres to leap and jump on as something to play on and the smell of rubber unlocked a core memory. Now my friendly local industrial unit gym has a tyre in it weighing 100kg so I thought this should be easy because I can flip that one no problem. So, going out I was counting the flips and thinking, bah, this is a fucking doddle mate. Then when I had to turn and do it back I noticed, of course it was a fucking doddle, it's on a hill. Fucksocks. They didn't mention that it would be on an incline in the advertising. And it was inclined slightly to one side as well so I had to flip slightly diagonally so it didn't roll away or take out the guy in the next lane. Double fucksocks. Either way, though, I got it done though my heart was beating like a fucked clock afterwards. Back to the timing mat and onto the next one. Difficulty 7/10.
Second, urn hugging. After the first length out, I felt my back compressing. Some people were holding the urn by the rim but I was doing the elbows under pegs and fists crossed at the front thing, a bit like the Husafell Stone in World's Strongest Man. Despite the pegs, it was all slippery so after every turn had to stop and hoof it back up again so it didn't land embarrassingly on the floor. Heart still going like a fucked clock, now back starting to complain slightly. On to the next one. Difficulty 7/10.
Third up was plough pulling. Get into the harness and drag a sled with some sacks on it (70kg) around a 100m circuit. Big Lad factor to the rescue here, I just had to lean slightly into it to get it moving and I was away and doing it. I kind of almost treated this as a bit of a rest because I was able to walk it round and even overtake people for a change. As I came in and parked it up, the woman doing the timing said "you smashed that m8." Nice. Difficulty 4/10.
Number four. The Farmer's Walk. This was not difficult to move and wasn't as tough on the grip that I thought it would be. I'd practiced this with a pair of kettlebells in my gym and I could do the 200m that way by going back and forth along a track. However, whereas previously I'd farmers walked in a nice temperature controlled gym, this was on a sun blasted field outside Brentwood and I found myself slightly overheating. I had to put it down and pick it up a few times to get the distance but I was able to do it. Difficulty 8/10 mainly because of the sun. I started to think, now why oh why didn't I bring a hat. At this point I was kind of struggling. I was glugging water and I had to have a sit down next to the water station because there was the only shade there and I thought I was going to overheat and collapse. That was allowed though. Four to five minutes later, I carried on. Because winners never quit and second place is the first looserrrrrrr.
Number five. Bags over bars. Some people were hoisting it onto their shoulders; my back was feeling a bit too complainy to risk any asymmetrical load so I sort of cleaned it off the floor to chest height and then walked it up to the bar and sort of went "pfeh" and shoved it over. I had to take this in stages because it was really fucking tiring. I think "humbling" is the word a compatriot of mine would use. You think 32kg is nothing when you are doing big squats and even bigger hexbars for reps in the gym, but the combination of it being an annoying floppy shape and once again a hot day made it the hardest station yet. Difficulty 9.5/10. This is partly my own fault because I have really no idea how on earth to practice this without the specific gear used in it. I mean, you can sub in kettlebells for milk churns and a heavy wall ball for a big urn, but this? No idea.
Number six. Squats. Sit on rail. Hold onto red handles. No weight, just get up and push it overhead, then squat until arse touches bar, then up and over, and repeat. Easy, yes? NO. Remember when I said it was until your legs fall off? Ahahahaha. You have to do this 100 times. After all the above. I thought I'd try and do it in four groups of 25. But I couldn't get past 13 for the first group. Eventually I settled into a rhythm of doing 10 and then having a sit for a minute or so. And it was still hot. I ended up taking off the knee wraps and even my shoes and socks so I could cool down more easily. But I got there in the end, but this was an absolute killer. Difficulty 11/10. I'm actually surprised I got to the end of this in time, but I did. Apparently if you do all 100 back to back without getting any disallowed or stopping you get a special band. I did not get the special band. They quite evilly put this one at the end when your legs are already next to gone from all the above.
Total time was 38 minutes or thereabouts. I don't know how good that is, but the winner of this last time went round three times in 45 minutes. Fuck me. His resting heart rate must be in single digits. Got a medal and a complimentary protein white chocolate milkshake from Shaken Udder of Tiptree. I then sat in the shade and flopped for about 20 minutes before finding my car, but not before the girl at the exit persuaded me to sign up again for July.
My target for July - be able to do it faster. And to remember to bring a hat so I don't nearly collapse of heatstroke.
Had you asked me a few years ago whether fitness racing would be my thing I would have told you that I don't hate myself enough. But it's not self hatred. It's utterly joyous. It's not about trying to win or being super competitive. It's about proving you can do this. It's what the obesity deniers, sorry, Health At Every Size brigade call "joyful movement". It's a celebration of what you and your body can do. I'm 39 and still technically fat and with knees made of Izal toilet paper, yet I can do this. And I'm sure there's equivalent things in your area, if you aren't from Essex. What's your excuse?