I'd be happy to come over for some messed up chili. Thanks for asking.
When I was younger, I liked to wear a Halloween costume to band practice. This was not well received. It set me on a course to become a camp counselor.
One of the things about working at a camp out in the middle of the wilderness is that you have to rely on country doctors when you seriously injure a camper while doling out wisdoms. Last night, we had to call the doctor in town because one of the campers had fallen on the ice on the floor of the cabin he was sleeping in. He struck his head on the wall and began verbally malfunctioning.
I like watching these medical shows on television. There is always so much fucking amongst the staff. I find myself wondering if doctors and nurses are screwing all the time like that in real life. When I watch these shows, I try to figure out when each person will have some kind of relationship with every other character of the opposite sex. It is something you can place bets on. You can run a betting parlor. This is something to get in on the ground floor on. Tic Tac Medical Show. When will Dr. Ben sleep with Nurse Lovely? Maybe in two seasons? I don't know. These shows go on for so long that eventually everyone fucks everyone else. They ought to stop discriminating and have everyone be bisexual and everyone eventually fucks everyone else over the course of 15 seasons. That would be something. At the end, they are all like, "Well, time to get a job somewhere else. Fucked all my co-workers here."
Magical.
Anyway, country doctors piss me off. There has to be a reason why they didn't get hired at a fancy hospital where everyone fucks everyone else over the course of fifteen years. Their life isn't magical. They have corns on their feet. Fucking gross. They need to stay indoors and away from people. You ever see one of them with their green, swollen toenails, walking around in sandals? For fuck's sake, pull yourselves together. Represent, motherfucker. Represent. You would think.
She arrives and looks at this camper. She's concerned about why we are open in the winter, or at least at the tail end of winter. We're way up in northern Maine. No one knows we took their kids. We took them for discipline. The country doctor frowns on this. She looks at the campers that are gathered around. Half-naked, icicles hanging off their noses, shivering with threadbare blankets wrapped around them.
"This is a travesty. I'm calling the health department!"
"If you do that, you won't get the glory. You want the glory, don't you?"
"Often I will self-promote, yes. I don't see what that has to do with anything."
"If you call the health department, they will send in doctors from a fancy hospital where everyone fucks everyone else over the course of fifteen years. They will be the ones in the papers. They will be the ones on CNN. You feel me?"
"Oh, I feel you, beautiful woman who is likely a cougar. Aren't you that lady who was interested in a fourteen-year-old boy?"
"What mean?"
"I understand you expressed a sexual des--"
"No! That would be wrong. I am not that kind of person. Not a pedophile or anything. I just dug his manly smell. I put him on ice until he turns eighteen. Until then, just teasing."
"No. That isn't right. You belong in jail. I'm calling Captain Benson."
"You don't want to do that. You can handle this, country doctor. If the cops get involved, they'll be in the papers. They'll get all the air time on my daddy's favorite network, Fox News. They love stories about cops."
"Okay, but this place has to be shut down. This isn't right. Those kids are sick."
"And getting sicker."
She turned towards the kids. As she did, I picked up a log and smashed her in the back of the head with it. She's out cold and I dragged her up to my cabin, the one with the space heater and handcuffed her to the foot of my bed.
The boys will be in later. They know what to do with someone like her. They know how to use the Bohemian Tickler (someone ought to node that).
In the meantime, the campers will be punished for their insolence by being made to sleep with their windows open tonight. Below zero with the wind chill, motherfuckers. Hope you enjoyed your insurrection.