"We're past the point of trying to create the 20 min a day routine etc, it's compulsion at this point." — fliphone
I've been writing this past week and it's all I can think about. I get home from class and all I want to do is write. I set a pomodoro timer and then forget to take a break, two hours later I emerge out of my room to get some water. Take a ten minute break, scroll through Pinterest and shop for books I can't afford. Write another three hours. I can tell I'm taking time away from my studies, I'm letting myself stray more and more into academic decay, but I can't bring myself to care.
It's starting to feel like I'm not really creating, but the story has always existed, independent of me, and I am simply the tool that the world has chosen to write it. Maybe I'm a nutcase, maybe it's a barely-contained manic episode. But I find myself thinking like Brangen, talking, existentially and socially anxious like him, lying like he would lie. I'm becoming him, and I hate it because the person I want to be is so different from him. I feel him looking over my shoulder as I'm writing this, I can almost hear things he would say, like he's external to myself.
It's so funny, because this happened in 2021ish with my other story. Yvonne was the character's name. Sometimes when I'm passively anxious and paralyzed, laying in bed or maybe in the shower, I go back and forth in dialogue with her. I can hear her thoughts, everything she would say. It's funny, because she knows me better than anyone.
I know I'm not the only one. The creator of Axiom Verge, Thomas Happ, uttered the first half of my second paragraph above almost verbatim.
The people of Áes Báistighe speak Old Gaelic (Old Irish), the premise is that Fae brought Old Gaelic with them to the world of Dómhan Uathais, and when the Fae consumed the Catalyst and became human, the humans kept their language. I picked up an Old Irish Grammar from my university 's library, and I just outlined the case system for hours. The accusative does a lot of the work of the Latin ablative. There is no ablative. I can't find any declensions in this grammar, but it seems like the words decline differently depending on the vowel of the stem. I want to get to the point where I can write dialogue in Old Gaelic.
I need to keep writing. I can't squander this creative momentum. I rarely ever get this kind of momentum, and I know that if I dedicate myself completely to Latin (as I should) it will be lost by the time summer (samrad) rolls around. But I can't keep up this pace, not with responsibilities.
I have to study my participles, the use of which in Latin doesn't have an English equivalent. There is a quiz tomorrow. I woke up at 6:00 PM today, now it's 8:20 PM and I'm just... ugh. I had all day to study but I was asleep all day, and I have class in the morning which means I have to try to go to bed but I know I won't be able to sleep and then I'll feel like puking tomorrow from lack of sleep.
Oh shit. I just remembered now that I ran out of Olanzapine last night. It's too late to go the pharmacy. I guess I won't sleep an hour tonight. Now I'm actually genuinely pissed. I might ACTUALLY vomit tomorrow from not sleeping.