It has been a strange, strange week and I have been in odd moods, brachiating gibbon-like betwixt depression and elation, taking in anger, despair, heartbreak and everything between. I keep asking myself "Why?" and there is no answer forthcoming other than cabin fever and lack of society. I feel imprisoned by the system, and I cant break out.
The system in this case is the healthcare Bureacracy. I want to get these tests done and cleared to go back to work, drive, be a human being in my farmers' market village. But I can't, because my health insurance ran out, and I simply can't afford to pay almost $1800 for the two things due to happen next. I dont want another heart attack or stroke, thank you. I want to get fixed up. I have to make the decision to make rent or pay for appointments, have security or move treatments forward. That makes me angry not just at the medical system but at the numpties running Christine's rtirement plan (a long and bloody story I don't want to talk about now). I dreamed the other night that I was like Heisenberg from Breaking Bad, able to create enough cash to meet my needs, and it felt good in the dream to be free of that worry.
I tipped out some of the anger on SUnday, with a probably ill-advised rant against the conspiracy cult theorists seemingly running the political country in the US just now. It was an error on my part, I've clearly offended quite a few folk, though only one had the decancy and courage to confront me. Hats off to you, I salute you for that. We may not agree but by Jove I admire your honesty and forthrightness. I did change the name to Foolspotting at the suggestion of the excellent panamaus, so it's slightly less provocative now. I know that the mess is much bigger even than Donald Trump and his MAGA followers, and I fear for a society and country that believes we're on a flat earth, that there's a global conspiracy starting with NASA down to every airline pilot, and shockingly I learned that there's a serious belief among many that Helen Keller's life is a fraud. How did we come to this? Perhaps these people are more to be pitied than scolded, but even so, every time I hear this kind of nonsense it throws me into a dark place. I meet the flat-earthers and anti-vaxx/autism conspiracy people every time I go to maket, but this is a step too far. What next, birds really aren't real? I'm starting to feel like the real conspiracy is about driving me insane.
In other, good news, two things happened today that did blow some clouds out of my sky. First off, the woman who helps at the San Rafael market called me, telling me that she's organising with our customers to get some financial relief together. It felt good to know that people I see for five minutes a week care so much. It made me realise that I make an impact in others' lives, and it makes me feel that my life is not in vain, it's been witnessed, valued and appreciated. It's much more than just about the money, though I can't lie, it would help enormously. The other thing is that I have the date of Tessie's graduation in June. A friend of mine is flying up (I will take the train becaue it's less stressful!) so I get to see my girl again!
My friends also tell me that my face has returned to normal—I did have a slight droop on the left that was evident when I smiled (yes, I sill smile!)
In the meanwhile, thank you all who've sent good wishes, gifts, and healing thoughts. If you were wondering whether it helps, YES IT DOES. Again, I feel valued and seen. You're all a blessing to me, as I read your words here and hear from you in every other way. I'm just very thankful to you.
I'm going to be okay. I promise this. Yes, Valar morghulis ("all must die"), but not today. I'll beat this one way or the other.I've survived so much and kept my sanity, I can keep this frame together a little longer I reckon. What do we say to the god of death? Not today. Damned right. I've great music ([Ralph Vaughan WIlliams, The Pogues, Steeleye Span and a good 60s/70s rock and pop playlist, good books, lots of nosh and a ton of good feeling. I still have a life to live, enjoy and share, footsteps to take and work to be done.
I saved the funniest for last. The other day at our local library book sale, I scored a hardback copy of Roget's Thesaurus en route to the café. Sitting there, I started leafing through as one does because words always fascinated me. One of my favourite baristas came over to see what the book was, read the title and asked me what my favourite word was. "I have two", I told her. "Petrichor and philtrum". She asked what they meant, laughed as I traced her philtrum with my finger. "What's yours?" I asked. "Kiss", she said, and proved it. Kissed by this cute little gal in her elegant Lolita outfit made me feel like a naughty schoolboy for a moment. She makes a mean espresso too, gosh darn it.
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