Tips for getting the best from your café and barista
Baristas work bloody hard. It's a skilled job as you'd find out if you had to juggle making hundreds of drinks a day, all day, every day. Pulling an excellent espresso shot alone takes time and practice to learn,. Add in a wide variety of drinks based on espresso and you'll see there's a lot to balance and think about, not to mention the hideous and innumerable matcha concoctions that are suddenly popular. it's a ruddy battlefield, is the average cafe. They may have several drinks on the go at a time, each of which has its own workflow. Disturb that workflow and one or more drinks may be below standard. you'll almost certainly spoil your drink and possibly, others' too.
i have witnessed all these things and more, and while I'm not in the business, I have spent enough time observing and talking to baristas to know what irks them, upsets the workflow of the cafe and disturbs the vibe. the TL;DR of this is 'be thoughtful and nice to your barista, they will remember you badly otherwise". i am always thoughtful, kind and polite and get treated like bloody royalty in my cafe of choice. The staff take particular care to make my drinks just as I like them, and unfailingly remember to get me an iced water if I forget to ask. Behaviour breeds behaviour; if you're a model customer you'll get model service. Break that and prepare to be disappointed.
Some basic rules for getting good coffee drinks and service
| Don't do this! |
Why to avoid it |
What you'll likely get/Fixes |
| order something not on the the menu, or make up your own recipe |
the cafe has ingredients, knowhow and workflow to make drinks on their menu. Not on the menu? Take your chances that one or more of the aforementioned may be lacking. A broken drink and big disappointment. |
A broken drink outside your abnormal expectations. Disappointment and possibly a tired and grumpy barista. You'll gripe about it but it's really on you. The staff may be too polite to point this out, consider yourself lucky. Not to mention, the workflow disturbance may affect others' drinks too. |
| order an "expresso" |
it's "espresso', every bloody time unless you're lucky/unlucky enough to be in France. |
a withering look and an espresso, possibly a corrective lecture. |
| order a macchiato without checking what you'll get" |
caffe macchiato is an espresso marked with a dollop of foamed milk. Latte macchiato is espresso, steamed milk with syrups and possibly other things to mask the taste of the coffee. I'm not judging you, I just want to taste the coffee, personally. |
You might get a Starbucks-style caramel latte macchiato, a very different milky and oversweet drink for your taste. Or vice versa. Plenty of opportunity for disappointment here, so check, for everyone's sake. I speak as one who knows. |
| order a "latte" in Italy |
it will likely be interpreted as "milk" which is what latte means in Italian. You've been exposed to too many Starbucks-style coffee drinks and don't really understand coffee fully yet. |
at least you'll get a steamed milk. An explanation may get an espresso shot added. Ask for a caffe latte and you may just get one, depending on the barista, but you may also need to get really specific. You're generally better off asking for a cappuccino, which they will know how to make, and it actually tastes of coffee =]. See earlier comments about ordering things from the menu! |
| order any drink that takes more than a single breath |
you probably made it up or heard it ordered and thought it sounded cool. the barista probably lacks either ingredient, time, or workflow for the drink. You won't give a good impression in any event. |
It will take a long time and probably not be what you expected. If the drink is awful, that's on you. Order off the posted menu, or ask if they can make the drink before ordering. |
| gripe about the prices |
most of the cost of your coffee is wages, i.e. the time it takes to make a drink. Your complaint simply fuels that fire by taking time to handle. |
At best a withering look, at worst, a lecture on coffee prices, cost of power and wages/cost of living. Possibly a lousy cup of coffee due to barista rage. Just suck it up. |
| gripe about the time your drink is taking |
You are not the only soul in the cafe. I bet the barista has two or three other drinks in progress. |
the unwavering and possibly perpetual scorn of the whole staff. Be patient, there are other customers; you are not special unless you are. |
| DEMAND anything |
Good manners cost almost nothing |
the label 'impatient ****/*****', a lousy cup of coffee and the unwavering and possibly perpetual scorn of the whole staff. Just ask nicely. |
| ask for a drink for your dog |
no cafe is equipped for this unless advertised. you are being stupid |
Personal disappointment and embarrassment, maybe a bowl of water. you will forever be remembered as "dog-drink person". |
| tell them you're not leaving a tip |
You are a mean-spirited cheapskate piece of dogdirt. Baristas work hard and tips really, really help. They have to deal with the high cost of rent and living too. If you aren't leaving a tip, at least don't rub it in. |
If you're unlucky, you will be wearing your drink for the rest of the day. if you're lucky, just second-rate drinks forever. Be a decent human being. We've all been strapped for cash now and again, just don't say anything antgonistic. If you have a complaint, make it clear nicely, use your words. |
| forget to thank the barista |
It may not look like hard work, but baristas work bloody hard to make you your drink |
You will be remembered better if you say 'thank you', isn't that enough? |
| Demand a 'veteran's discount' or complain that it's not offered. |
you may be/have been in the military but you're still only an entitled ****/*****, in or out of uniform. |
Possibly a regular-price coffee, and maybe also the scorn of other customers. Thank you for your service, now fuck off. One cafe I know gives discounts to teachers, paramedics and nurses. Thank you for your service too! |
Of course, there are doubtless scores of others, these were just the most memorable ones I've seen most recently. Also, on a side note, if you're bringing your dog into the cafe, make sure the dog and lead are not in places where people could trip. I seriously hurt myself on a dog the week after I got home from open heart surgery. Somehow the dog owner blamed me for the dog lying right where I needed to plant my feet to stand up I fell face first, seriously hurting my chest. I screamed in pain and the staff were about to call an ambulance. Took me ten minutes to stand, with guided assistance from three people. Your dog nearly put me back in the hospital, you piece of shite. I was lucky, you are lucky; I have a very good lawyer. Similarly, if your dog snaps at me or yaps incessantly at me, expect me to take it up with you. I don't care if you call it a support animal, if it's not trained well enough to be around people, it does not belong here. Expect remonstrations. If it pisses on me or my belongings, expect to clean it up and make amends. Really, really big amends. I am not a fan of many dogowners, no. </vent>
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